[Mudslide]

The Bed

Thanks to COVID, I seem to have a little extra time on my hands these day, so I thought I’d tell you about a recent purchase.  Or perhaps it’s about my wife.  Or maybe me.

Being a decrepit old guy, I still believe that I am an extraordinary athlete…The Mudslide Maniac.  But my wife reminds me that I “think like an old decrepit guy…because I AM an old decrepit guy.”

This all began during a disagreement about the rather expensive, potential purchase of a new bed.  (Our 10 year old model was becoming sort of a U shape that, for some reason, my wife found offensive.)  The new one would have to be one of those Super Duper Split Kings…you know, the ones for hospital patients or really rich people…or decrepit old guys.  I perhaps foolishly agreed to her suggestion that I just LOOK at one.  (Uh huh.)  Try one out.  "Old decrepit people should have one of these."

So we arrived at our local furniture store, the Furniture You Can’t Afford But Think You Can Store, and proceeded inside to be greeted by 10 or 12 salespeople.  I believe they were all snarling at each other for who is going to get to sell to that Old Decrepit Guy.  Anyway, one smooooth talking lady came over and, after asking what she somehow already knew we wanted, and showed us a “mid-level motion bed”.  MID-LEVEL?!  The thing cost more than our last car.  After making some unmanly gurgling noise, I managed to ask if they had anything a little more affordable. 

So there we go…the second one was half the price of the first “mid-level” bed.  “Hop on.  Give it a try” she said.  (My mind whirled with jokes.)  So my wife and I “hopped on” and whoa, I’ve slept on more comfortable spots when camping on rocks in my youth.  After that, my wife said, “Okay, what else do you have?”  (Cue heavenly music…)  “Try this one!” suggested the saleslady.  (And I believe she then knowingly nodded and winked at my wife...I think owing to the fact that this lady was also married and understood old decrepit guys.)  We again “hopped on” and (more heavenly music), suddenly, I GOTTA HAVE THIS!  This bed moved in more ways that I did.  It could bend me over far enough to actually see my toenails for the first time in years.  It could vibrate me into oblivion and beyond…all while contorting me into a pretzel.  COMFORT!  Oh yeah! 

Where has this thing been all my life?!  I didn't ask the price, by the way.  Thus, we mortgaged our house, sold off my excess (is there such a thing) audio gear, stole the kids' inheritance, and have slept in bliss ever since.
 
So if your wife ever calls you a decrepit old man, take heed.  It might surprise you where your life will be heading.  If you fit the ODG description, and you know who you are, take my advice, get such a bed and just enjoy seeing the toenails you forgot you had.

Mud

[mresseguie]

I'm shocked and more than a little hurt that you'd sell off you excess audio gear without first telling me. I mean, we're just an hour apart, and I haven't been to the coast in over a month! Harumph! 

We bought the same split king a couple years ago. Thankfully, ours doesn't have the vibration.

Congratulations, and welcome to the ODG club.

[Letitroll98]

I would note that it you get rid of the ODW you can buy any friggin mattress you like, keep all your audio gear, and put it anywhere you like.  You can watch all the bowl games from morning till late at night without a single person telling you that you promised to go shopping for a new mattress.  The only down side is that you have to take someone to dinner if you want to have sex, which isn't all that bad in and of itself.  Just sayin.

[JLM]

Wifey bought a motorized/folding bed (like a hospital bed) on-line to replace our Streans and Foster mattress/box springs with very little discussion (next time will object more strenuously).  How do you intelligently buy a bed on-line?  Of course it has a money back gaurantee but how do you fold it back up into the box again?  Had to haul a queen sized bed from basement to the 2nd floor and our old bed to the basement before setting up the new bed.  Lots of work plus part of it came a couple of days later, so more work (we're in our 60's and not in good shape).  And of course I preferred the old one.  This one sits so high we need footstools to get in and comes with side rails.

[Peter J]

A new bed is far from the top of my list but being "vibrated into oblivion" sounds intriguing.

[Mudslide]

You guys make me chuckle.  I can see who is married and who is not.     This is what a lost cause I've become, what I've learned, and it's...............


For Guys Eyes Only


More accurately, this message is directed at married men (and a warning to the single guys)…or if you’re from my generation, have been living together for years.  You know who you are.

I have noted that my wife, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed, has a tool bag of words she uses when she feels like making my brain twist in its housing.  I know she’s toying with my emotions, but I can’t PROVE it.  And she won’t admit it.  Frankly, I think women learn this stuff in Home EC classes and all women are told to treat it like the Super Secret Spouse Subordinator that it is.

This first one is a term that I’ve been on to for years…of course never telling her I know.  It’s the word “fine”.  Of course all you guys over 50 know what it means.  It means “no!”  Here is a true to life example.  “Honey, can I buy a new 8K Whiz Bang 82” Smart TV, or maybe some new Philharmonic Audio speakers?”  Wife…“Fine.”  Now it took years, but I now know for certain that her “fine” does not mean “great” or even “okay”.  Beware.  It doesn’t even indicate that she just said it to make me go away. (That was an earlier off-shoot use of the word.  She has refined and sharpened her marriage communication skills over the years.)

The second term may not be as transparently manipulative.  It’s actually a full sentence.  Wife…“What do you think?”  She already knows that you are from the lesser of the species, and just for fun is looking to trap you into saying something A: That she already knows the answer to, and/or B: that she is fully prepared to poke holes in any logic or reasoning you may produce.  And sometimes I think she does it just for the fun of it.

There is a similar phrase that you never want to actively engage.  Wife…”What do you mean?!”  If you fall into this trap and answer, you might as well stalk off to another room with your head hanging and your spirit broken.  Woe to you.  In any context, she does NOT want to know what you meant.  If she replies to something you’ve said with this phrase, she already knows what you mean, and it pisses her off.  Powerful feminine fangs are prepped, whether you see them or not.  If you value your dignity and sense of self-worth, this is not a place you want to be.  And woe to he who answers, “I mean what I said.”  I hope your parents don’t mind having you visit for a couple of days while you look for that beaten bag of courage you lost. 

The great Sam Kinison had a description of marriage that was hilarious.  He was told by an unmarried friend that Sam became emasculated when he got married.  Sam on the phone with his friends said "Uh uh" and then, “Honey, can I go out with the boys?.  Wife…” Sure, but you won’t be needing THIS.”, as she rips IT off.     Sam wants to borrow IT back.  "But honey, they’re all taking theirs.”  Sam, still on the phone, "No way, guys.  She's keeping IT."

Who here is looking for theirs?      

[I.Greyhound Fan]

I can relate Mudslide. 

My wife gets her feelings hurt very easily and then she gives you the silent treatment.  Eventually if I ask her enough times "what did I do?" she says "you know what you did".  To which I reply, "no I don't, please tell me".  Eventually, usually the next day she tells me.

[Tyson]

50% of all marriages end in divorce.  Those are the lucky ones.

[I.Greyhound Fan]

50% of all marriages end in divorce.  Those are the lucky ones.

My wife and I have been married since 1986 and lived together for 4 years before that.  It has a been a roller coaster of a ride that's for sure.

[Mariusz Uszynski]

Met my new wifey last year at the audio store, it was "love at the first hearing".Her name is Bryston.

[ArthurDent]

Great story Mud.    Will definitely keep it in mind (as well as the insider tips) if I ever find Miss Right (or Left) at the right time. Found this archive pic of you, and obviously you are
 

The most interesting man in the world. 

[Mudslide]

Great story Mud.    Will definitely keep it in mind (as well as the insider tips) if I ever find Miss Right (or Left) at the right time. Found this archive pic of you, and obviously you are
 

The most interesting man in the world. 

Nay.  This is sort of what I looked like when I asked the missus for a new Phil. Audio BMR center.  (Still looking for mine, btw..... )

[mresseguie]

My new year's irony:

After a couple years of my occasionally telling my wife I'd love to have an Ekornes Stressless recliner, just last month she found that Costco has one on sale <online only>. We ordered one and it was delivered yesterday. While I was preoccupied with a phone call, two guys delivered it and assembled it. Only after they left, did I try to sit in it. I should say I squeezed into it. The damned chair is a small size. [Stressless  chairs come standard in thre sizes - small, medium, and large.] I've been to several furniture store that sell Ekornes Stressless chairs, so I know full well they're medium is my size. When, I ordered the chair, there were two choices available <small or medium>. I specified medium. I checked the website again last night and discovered there is no longer a choice of sizes, and it's Russian roulette because it doesn't tell you whether it is small, medium, or large.

I called to complain. I'm getting a refund because medium-sized chairs are not available (WTF?), and they'll take the chair back next week. In the meantime, I get to pretend that I have my own awesomely comfortable Stressless recliner.   

Edit: After repeatedly visiting the Stressless website and <gently> poking my chair a few times, it finally dawned on me that the installation guys had screwed up!  They had attached the lefthand armrest to the right side and the righthand armrest to the left side of the chair!  This causes the armrests to pinch into the hips.

I'm going to keep it after all! 

[ArthurDent]

Sorry to hear Michael. If you have a Dania store in your area you might check with them, they do have them on sale from time to time. I've got two, both purchased on sale probably 20 yrs +/- ago. Just checked and looks like their up about 50% over what they were when I got mine. None on sale listed online at SeaTac store currently. Might be worth a call to the store, see what's available. Good luck with the hunt, hope you find what you're looking for.   

Add:

Sweet ! Good to hear it worked out. So now you're floating on Cloud, 9 utterly without stress. 

[Philip J Fry]

Enjoyed your story Mud.

Here's something you can get for your wife to thank her:

[Mudslide]

Enjoyed your story Mud.

Here's something you can get for your wife to thank her:

Philip, do you want me to get killed?!  I need subtle....subtle.....

[dflee]

Also beware of the "Oh I don't care" line cause yes they do and it ain't gonna go your way.

Don

[Letitroll98]

I'm sorry to inform you gentlemen, who I've found to be of high intelligence in all other areas, that you're clueless here.  You keep looking for the meaning in magic phrases when the real answer is so easy.  Stop answering questions and stop trying to fix problems.  Every single time you try to fix what's bothering her all you do is invalidate her feelings.  She doesn't want you to fix anything, she wants you to listen.  The only appropriate answer is, "I understand".  It also helps to stop watching sports, look deeply into her eyes and appear like you care about what she's saying.  When men have problems they work the problem, find a solution, and everyone moves on.  When we do that with women we are telling them that whatever they feel about something doesn't matter, that they were wrong and should have acted or thought differently.  That frustrated them to no end and you get "those" answers, don't you know, it doesn't matter, I don't care.  After you get through I understand you can move on to How does that make you feel and Is there anything I can do.  I'm serious, the change will be immediate and profound.  She'll be checking under the bed for the pod containing her real husband.  I tried it and the next week she said we could get season tickets for our football team.  Now of course the answer should have been no dear, that would cut into the time we have together on weekends, but I only saw the fruits of success and that led to why I'm single now.  But my foolishness doesn't invalidate the concept.

[mresseguie]

I'm sorry to inform you gentlemen, who I've found to be of high intelligence in all other areas, that you're clueless here.  You keep looking for the meaning in magic phrases when the real answer is so easy.  Stop answering questions and stop trying to fix problems.  Every single time you try to fix what's bothering her all you do is invalidate her feelings.  She doesn't want you to fix anything, she wants you to listen.  The only appropriate answer is, "I understand".  It also helps to stop watching sports, look deeply into her eyes and appear like you care about what she's saying.  When men have problems they work the problem, find a solution, and everyone moves on.  When we do that with women we are telling them that whatever they feel about something doesn't matter, that they were wrong and should have acted or thought differently.  That frustrated them to no end and you get "those" answers, don't you know, it doesn't matter, I don't care.  After you get through I understand you can move on to How does that make you feel and Is there anything I can do.  I'm serious, the change will be immediate and profound.  She'll be checking under the bed for the pod containing her real husband.  I tried it and the next week she said we could get season tickets for our football team.  Now of course the answer should have been no dear, that would cut into the time we have together on weekends, but I only saw the fruits of success and that led to why I'm single now.  But my foolishness doesn't invalidate the concept.

 

Genius....  

[Mudslide]

I'm sorry to inform you gentlemen, who I've found to be of high intelligence in all other areas, that you're clueless here.  You keep looking for the meaning in magic phrases when the real answer is so easy.  Stop answering questions and stop trying to fix problems.  Every single time you try to fix what's bothering her all you do is invalidate her feelings.  She doesn't want you to fix anything, she wants you to listen.  The only appropriate answer is, "I understand".  It also helps to stop watching sports, look deeply into her eyes and appear like you care about what she's saying.  When men have problems they work the problem, find a solution, and everyone moves on.  When we do that with women we are telling them that whatever they feel about something doesn't matter, that they were wrong and should have acted or thought differently.  That frustrated them to no end and you get "those" answers, don't you know, it doesn't matter, I don't care.  After you get through I understand you can move on to How does that make you feel and Is there anything I can do.  I'm serious, the change will be immediate and profound.  She'll be checking under the bed for the pod containing her real husband.  I tried it and the next week she said we could get season tickets for our football team.  Now of course the answer should have been no dear, that would cut into the time we have together on weekends, but I only saw the fruits of success and that led to why I'm single now.  But my foolishness doesn't invalidate the concept.

Love the excellent punch line!!