A Christmas Story

thunderbrick · « **Reply #21 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 05:23 pm »

Today's update:

6:30 a.m. Dumber starts barking up a storm. Shit, there goes a sleep-in Christmas, Warden gets up to take them for a walk, which I don't like because she has some physical ailments, but OK They return and she feeds them but Dumber is a canine shop vac and tries to push the audiophile dog away. They don't fight,they just jostle each other around. But they are underfoot so I have to get up and be the alpha male. Ya know, I might actually WATCH the Macy's parade today…

thunderbrick · « **Reply #22 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 05:49 pm »

Next Tidbit:

UPDATE: Gail just said "ya know, if Dumber (my term) lived here full time that bird would probably be riding around on the dog's back." I was speechless…

My turn to take the moronic orphans for a walk. In my neighborhood I couldn't have gotten more attention had I worn a pink Tutu (but BISL wouldn't loan me his…). I take the opportunity to give the mutts some proper training, They're getting the message…..

I digress…

We get a panicked text from my step-son's (sort of*) fiancee, who uses a secret code to say she's with the warden's two kids at the ex-husband's home and pretty well fed up and wants to be with us instead. Apparently the ex-husband's new demonic house-mate must have banned the poodles from their new abode/trailer, so I am stuck with the beasts. In the home I have spent the last three weeks cleaning so that the warden is not freaked out when her mutant offspring come to visit.

*back story.

My stepson I like very much. Not bright at all but has a good heart and decent table manners. Never mind that, when he got a big tattoo of the Chevy bow tie, they put it on upside down. Mid-30s, shy and still single. Can't catch a break.

The warden and everyone else in the barbarian clan has been trying to tell him "LOOK, DUMMY! This girl is smart, charming, pretty, and patient. And for some reason known but to God, she wants to MARRY YOU!!!! Yes, we all know you have little income, that you feel inadequate, and can't buy a house for you two, but SHE DOESN'T CARE!!!! ASK HER, DAMMIT!!!"

AND, the huns returns to our house tonight for two. more. nights. Maybe three. We have a wonderful place for two, four in an emergency. The next two nights it's gonna be six adults and two kids. And the wacko standard puddles. I shouldn't have sold my rifle….

More shortly….

Wind Chaser · « **Reply #23 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 11:35 pm »

Quote from: thunderbrick on 25 Dec 2015, 05:49 pm

I shouldn't have sold my rifle….

All things considered, that's probably a good thing.

You might want to keep close to your phone, there's always 911 in a pinch.

This would be a good time for an impromptu mini vacation. If you can't do that, try to find a pub, heck even a truck stop that's open and hang back for a few hours.

S Clark · « **Reply #24 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 01:02 am »

Thanks, TB, for sharing your sad, sad story. My wife and I are sitting here with a glass of wine, trying not to spill it while laughing hysterically. Remember, it will all be over soon, and barring damage to the Maggies, things will go back to normal.

Nick B · « **Reply #25 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 01:30 am »

I keep wondering if TB's story is for real, but nobody could make this stuff up

Thanks for sharing

thunderbrick · « **Reply #26 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 02:59 am »

Anyone AC members in KS, MO, AR or OK? Can you get KY3 TV out of Springfield? You might want to watch the news at 10 tonight….

Stepson-in-law can't be bothered to install duplex outlet covers in his own home when his kids were toddlers. When, BTW, I was doing 95% of the labor on his home repairs while HE watched sports.

Tonight I wander into the kitchen to find he's opened up the cover to the brand new radiant floor system thermostat, and he's dicking around with it. I ~~casually~~ exercising more restraint than I thought I could ever muster ask what he's doing and he says* "I"m trying to figure out how to turn it off."

With just the slightest sarcastic hint of dark rage I say "Why? Is it too warm for you?"

He mumbles something about "saving energy, cutting gas or electric bill, you know, conservation" before quickly closing the panel and exiting the kitchen…

Did I mention at tonight's dinner table he was totally immersed in his smart phone? I chose to eat in the next room so I wouldn't have to look at him.

No court in the land would convict me.

p.s. I WISH I were making this up…

Here he is while his kids were opening presents this afternoon.

*Upon further consideration, I'm furious at myself for missing an opportunity to smite the bastard. In all the fury of Christmas preparations someone moved the wooden baseball bat that I keep near the front door. Just two strides away it would have been…Shit.

S Clark · « **Reply #27 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:09 am »

Forman of the Jury announces, "Not Guilty, justifiable homicide!"

thunderbrick · « **Reply #28 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:11 am »

Quote from: S Clark on 26 Dec 2015, 03:09 am

Forman of the Jury announces, "Not Guilty, justifiable homicide!"

DSAF

thunderbrick · « **Reply #29 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:17 am »

BTW, I want to thanks the many sympathetic AC members who have tried to console me. Venting in this support group is the ONLY thing that allows me to keep a rather thin smile on my face.

I'm a better actor than I realized….

daves · « **Reply #30 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:32 am »

Bob, do you need any tubes? I'm feeling your pain.....I would be busy recalibrating this parent to pay attention to his kids on a magical day. I'm afraid he would be farting pine needles for a couple days.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #31 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:37 am »

Quote from: daves on 26 Dec 2015, 03:32 am

Bob, do you need any tubes? I'm feeling your pain.....I would be busy recalibrating this parent to pay attention to his kids on a magical day. I'm afraid he would be farting pine needles for a couple days.

Ooooh, hadn't considered that! THANKS!

dB Cooper · « **Reply #32 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 04:12 am »

Is he the Uncle Fester lookalike on the sofa?

thunderbrick · « **Reply #33 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:21 pm »

Yep.

Post Christmas blues....

There's a huge air mattress in the living room floor yet the couch is vacant. Step-grandson has ensconced himself in my audio chair, blocking access to my desktop. The dogs are going apeshit over squirrels on the deck, then racing scarily past my Maggies to bark out the ManCave's windows. Despite all this the spawn of Uncle Fester remains out cold.

The air mattress, big enough for the fire department to save people jumping out of high-rise buildings, blocks everything. I suggest to step-granddaughter that she moves the balloon to the guest room. We can't do that because Uncle Fester is still asleep.

We move the air mattress to the foyer and The Warden freaks out over the mess left over from the gift-opening ceremonies, so good husband that I am I get the vacuum cleaner out and set to work.

Said vacuum cleaner is LOUD, and while I'm doing my husbandly duties I figure "why not vacuum the hardwood floored hallway like a good boy?"

Proceed down the hallway and leave the vacuum running, right in front of the guest-room door, behind which is Uncle Fester's Mini-Me. Did I mention the vacuum is LOUD?

So it begins....

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #34 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:24 pm »

TomS · « **Reply #35 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 03:38 pm »

Opening this thread is like a new gift each day

I would have been so done at the thermostat episode. You are one tough cookie, but please do carry on, for our amusement of course ...

Peter J · « **Reply #36 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 05:02 pm »

Thunder, this is hysterical, your writing style makes it all the more so.

Not that I don't feel for you. Sh*t, you've got some patience reserves you didn't know, eh?

Any chance you could strap on a body camera so we could get to know your family better...from afar?

thunderbrick · « **Reply #37 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 05:42 pm »

Thunderstorms abound. Pouring rain. But the STORES ARE OPEN! I can formulate a mission to get the hell out of Planet InLaw!

Problem is if I stay out all day, I'll go broke, so back to the asylum it is.....

The Man Cave is the last plausible escape. Heeding to the basement and running power tools is too obvious. The Warden is, so far, unaware of the pending massacre...

Guess what? It's almost 11:45 and I'm typing as quietly as I can because the 14-year-old son of Fester is STILL asleep. Right. Next. To. Me. In. The. Double. Recliner.

He's obviously learned from his father, so do I smother him now before he breeds?

This decision is gonna take some time....

thunderbrick · « **Reply #38 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 05:47 pm »

Update. Grandson has stirred. He stumbled into the kitchen without so much as a grunt or "good morning," and asked for breakfast.

Yes, he is his father's son...

thunderbrick · « **Reply #39 on:** 26 Dec 2015, 05:49 pm »

Update, Part Deux.

A standard poodle has just replaced grandson in the recliner. Conversation hasn't changed.