"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg."
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service."
"I was making love to this girl, and when she started crying, I said 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said 'No, I hate myself now.'"
"My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves."
"My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel."
"I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through anyway.'"
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. 'I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He said, 'I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide.'"
I've got more of his lines, and I'm sure some of you do also...
Eric S.
