Todays Smile

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rodge827

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3220 on: 20 Oct 2020, 12:05 am »

James Tanner

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3221 on: 20 Oct 2020, 08:27 pm »
There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me. How's your day going?” 

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3222 on: 21 Oct 2020, 02:38 pm »

James Tanner

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3223 on: 21 Oct 2020, 04:38 pm »
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.



After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3224 on: 21 Oct 2020, 05:45 pm »









jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3225 on: 21 Oct 2020, 08:00 pm »



jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3226 on: 21 Oct 2020, 09:15 pm »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3227 on: 21 Oct 2020, 10:52 pm »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3228 on: 21 Oct 2020, 11:30 pm »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3229 on: 22 Oct 2020, 01:53 am »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3230 on: 22 Oct 2020, 12:39 pm »



jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3231 on: 22 Oct 2020, 01:51 pm »

James Tanner

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3232 on: 22 Oct 2020, 05:34 pm »
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!

rodge827

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3233 on: 22 Oct 2020, 08:02 pm »



jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3234 on: 23 Oct 2020, 02:08 pm »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3235 on: 23 Oct 2020, 02:10 pm »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3236 on: 23 Oct 2020, 03:49 pm »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3237 on: 23 Oct 2020, 05:27 pm »
Gotta be Texas


jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3238 on: 23 Oct 2020, 06:11 pm »

jcsperson

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Re: Todays Smile
« Reply #3239 on: 24 Oct 2020, 04:00 pm »