[CanadianMaestro]

@Emil,
Why are British police officers in Austria??   

[mix4fix]

@Emil,
Why are British police officers in Austria??   

 

[Wind Chaser]

@Emil,
Why are British police officers in Austria??   

Same reason you speak English... because Britannia rulez da whole wide world and I need another beer!

[opnly bafld]

@Emil,
Why are British police officers in Austria??   

Because Julie Andrews is from the UK.

[Letitroll98]

Yes, one of these has been posted here before, but hey, it was included with the "And that's when the fight started" group I copied here.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[richidoo]

[Scroof Neachy]

During a night of passion, my girlfriend asked me to kiss her where it stinks - so I took her to New York.   

[richidoo]

[charmerci]

..and then he hands his card or cash directly to the cashier, neither of who are wearing gloves! 

[GentleBender]

Who else wishes they had a Flowbee now? I can’t get anyone to reply on Craigslist for a back ally haircut! It was easy to do a month ago. I wanted to order one, but they are closed due to COVID-19.  https://www.flowbee.com/order_page.htm

[Russell Dawkins]

Who else wishes they had a Flowbee now? I can’t get anyone to reply on Craigslist for a back ally haircut! It was easy to do a month ago. I wanted to order one, but they are closed due to COVID-19.  https://www.flowbee.com/order_page.htm

I've still got mine. Haven't used it for fifteen years, but have been eying it recently!

[Wind Chaser]

I had a Flowbee many years ago and back in the day nobody believed me when I told them I cut my own hair. I eventually gave it to a friend of mine paralyzed from the neck down and he’s made good use of it ever since. Now I buzz my head with a Reminington Short Cut. It also works great for shaving the beard and body hair too. 

[richidoo]

Been using a Wahl electric clipper with vacuum attachment for 20 years. Finally starting to get good at it. 

[GentleBender]

Been using a Wahl electric clipper with vacuum attachment for 20 years. Finally starting to get good at it. 

It takes at least 300 hours to get the clippers burned in.

[Wind Chaser]

And if you upgrade the power cord, the quality of any given hair cut is improved. 

[jhm731]

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

[S Clark]

And if you upgrade the power cord, the quality of any given hair cut is improved. 

Yeah, but just like my amp and preamp, my clippers are battery operated..  Off the Grid, Baby!!!

[Wind Chaser]

Off the grid cuts are the best! 

[richidoo]

[FireGuy]