[jschwenker]

Sorry if a repeat, but an oldie but goodie:

A boy goes to the Olympics and approaches a man carrying a long stick, and asks him “Are you a pole vaulter?
“No, I’m German.” says the man, “but how did you know my name?"

Cheers, John

[Scroof Neachy]

[pansixt]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline Read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Saturn94]

…Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

[pansixt]

OOps!

[mix4fix]

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.

I said "Maybe..."

[jschwenker]

Couple of items for the day:

Bought my Mom a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

ME: "I'm looking for something that doesn't look like a last minute gift and says, 'you're a great mom.'"
GAS STATION CASHIER: "Hmmm ... cigarettes?"

HMD! John

[avta]

You've heard about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

[jschwenker]

"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle.
... Especially the part that says ‘keep away from children’."
-Susan Savannah

Cheers, John

[mix4fix]

I searched for a lighter on Amazon.

But all I could find were 6,000 matches.

[jschwenker]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Cheers, John

[pansixt]

These are all, almost all, stellar, except maybe mine, great stuff. Keep 'em coming. I agree with the aforementioned post, we need a like, or helpful, or sad, or whatever the F we feel to reply response. Without the emoji.

[pansixt]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Cheers, John

Damn John, You can't say that anymore. But I know the innocent way in which you meant it. BTW, good one.

[pansixt]

You've heard about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Wait, what? That went right past me.

[pansixt]

I searched for a lighter on Amazon.

But all I could find were 6,000 matches.

Good one. I miss you. Been a long time.
Cheers, James

[jschwenker]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Cheers, John

[pansixt]

 

[mix4fix]

What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored?

"Tweet."

[AllanS]

Wait, what? That went right past me.

Right or wrong I don’t know but “well hung” is what eventually came to me.

[jschwenker]

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently, you’re not allowed to nudge a co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.

Cheers, John