Joke of the Day

JerryM · « **Reply #1180 on:** 30 Dec 2014, 03:13 am »

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child`s name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let`s go."

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1181 on:** 31 Dec 2014, 12:59 am »

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a fancy new Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried out with laughter. "Oh, my God -- what on earth for?!!!"
The Southern lady calmly responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Well, bless your heart'....."

JerryM · « **Reply #1182 on:** 31 Dec 2014, 01:15 am »

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1183 on:** 31 Dec 2014, 01:39 am »

ArthurDent · « **Reply #1184 on:** 31 Dec 2014, 02:25 am »

Gotta love those cultured Southern ladies.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1185 on:** 31 Dec 2014, 08:52 am »

A wife to her husband:
Honey, the faucet is broken.
Can you repair it, please?
Husband: I am not a plumber !
Wife: Honey, there's no more light in the washroom,
can you repair it, please ?
Husband: I am not an electrician !
The next day the wife said:
Honey, the neighbor came over and he fixed everything.
Husband: How much did it cost you ?
Wife: He gave me two choices:
Make him a cake or make him love.
Husband: …and what did you do ?
Wife: Well, I am not a baker.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1186 on:** 31 Dec 2014, 10:33 pm »

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at
6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits
open mouthed and listens to the tirade
.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a ****** mess, the
dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my ****** pajamas and
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the *** did you bring
him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

decal · « **Reply #1187 on:** 3 Jan 2015, 07:11 am »

Two older women were having lunch together,
And discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first old lady said,
"I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman replied ,
"Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

mightym · « **Reply #1188 on:** 3 Jan 2015, 09:43 pm »

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis, and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do any of those things."

bside123 · « **Reply #1189 on:** 5 Jan 2015, 01:46 am »

decal · « **Reply #1190 on:** 5 Jan 2015, 09:46 am »

A guy has just gotten taken to the cleaners in divorce court.

He decides to stop into a bar and soak up some of his despair.

After ordering a beer, the man, out of frustration blurts out; "All attorneys are @$$holes!"

A gruff fellow already sitting at the bar turns to the man an responds; "I take exception to that statement."

The man asks; "What, I suppose you're an attorney too?"

With a look of annoyance, the gruff guy says; "Hell no, I'm an @$$hole."

Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #1191 on:** 5 Jan 2015, 10:05 am »

Reminds me of this:
An American salesman, disgruntled at the British, was seated at a bar at Heathrow airport, having his third drink while he was waiting for his flight back to the States. During the half hour he had been there, his nearly silent muttering to himself had grown gradually louder and louder until it was plainly audible to the grey pin-striped distinguished-looking gentleman half hiding behind the Times newspaper he was reading a few stools down. Now he was actually slurring as he growled, in a voice he intended to be heard, "G**damn British - they think they're so superior - so witty - so fashionable! Well I'm glad I'm leaving - as far as I'm concerned London is the "asshole of the earth"!
At this point, the gentleman dropped the top part of the newspaper down and, peering over the top, said "Just passing through, I presume?"

decal · « **Reply #1192 on:** 5 Jan 2015, 11:58 pm »

A Fine Art Investment

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $20 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.

Don_S · « **Reply #1193 on:** 8 Jan 2015, 06:44 pm »

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer...

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. Ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana. God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1194 on:** 8 Jan 2015, 11:13 pm »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1195 on:** 9 Jan 2015, 01:13 am »

FANTASTIC!

R_burke · « **Reply #1196 on:** 10 Jan 2015, 03:00 pm »

...And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
And God called the dry land Earth;...

Bill O'Connell · « **Reply #1197 on:** 10 Jan 2015, 04:32 pm »

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said.

'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gota no brain?

Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree.

So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1198 on:** 10 Jan 2015, 04:41 pm »

brooklyn · « **Reply #1199 on:** 10 Jan 2015, 06:17 pm »

Quote from: Bill O'Connell on 10 Jan 2015, 04:32 pm

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said.

'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gota no brain?

Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree.

So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

Makes me proud to be an Italian...