[Goosepond]

Bob,

The true test of a good joke is if you read it with no one else in the room and you laugh out loud. Your joke passed this test with flying colors. 

Gene

Four nuns are driving along the highway when the car tire blows. They skid into a tree and are killed instantly. They ascend into heaven and see Moses standing at a podium ushering the newly departed into the kingdom of heaven.

The first nun approaches Moses and he says, "Sister, have you been faithful to your vows of poverty and chastity?"

The nun answers, "well I have been poor all my life, but I once saw a man's penis".

Moses says, "That is OK. Wash your eyes in the fountain, then you may pass through the gates."

The second nun is asked the same question and answers, "I once touched a man's penis."

Moses tells her, "Wash your hands in the fountain, then you too may pass through the gates."

At this point the 4th nun turns to the 3rd nun and asks, "Can I jump in front of you so I can wash out my mouth before you stick your ass in there?"

[Bob in St. Louis]

Easy on the religious stuff guys.  You're going to get us in trouble. 

Bob

[yooper]

*******Top 10 Country songs********

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

Mark

[rpf]

  Very funny, Mark.

[aragon63]

 
---

[aragon63]

-----------

[aragon63]

deleted

[Christof]

"Dave", my joke pimp strikes again:


Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble
one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Man going through airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok.

I actually got this in a fortune cookie at a Thai joint in Reno last year

[Bob in St. Louis]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) 

[ted_b]

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth   

[Bob in St. Louis]

  In a good way or a bad way?

[Wind Chaser]

In a good way or a bad way?

It was good for me, but then I like chewing on the cud.

[Rashiki]

Since we're headed into bad pun territory here, I was reminded of this one: 

A man took a new job as a bus driver. On his first day, he was given a bus with a Sesame Street advertisement on the side.

At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said,

"Hi. My name is Patty."

The driver replied,

"Hi, Patty. Please take a seat."

At the second stop there was an overweight woman. She got on and said,

"Good morning! My name's Patty."

The driver answered, "Good morning, Patty."

At the next stop, a teenage boy wearing a white dress shirt with a red tie, blue polyester slacks and a football helmet got on the bus. "Hi. I'm Ross. I'm SpEcIaL," he said grinning.

"Hi Ross....." The busdriver drove on to the next stop and let another young man on.

"Yo!" the boy covered in chains with sunglasses said. "I'm Lester G!"

"Yo, to you too," he replied.

As he's driving along he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees that Lester G has taken off his sneakers and is scratching at his foot. He asks him to put his sneakers back on and he replies,

"Yo, man, gimme a break. These bunions are killin' me!"

The rest of the day passes without event. At the end of his shift, his supervisor asks him how it went.

"It reminded me of that old Mc Donald's ad... Two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester G pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

[Imperial]

*******Top 10 Country songs********

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

Mark

Let's not forget:

"Her titties were all mashed together, poppin out the neck of her turtleneck, and I was not even drunk yet...

yeah..

Hehe!

Imperial

[djbnh]

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth   

That's a quote from Happy Bunny...

[Bob in St. Louis]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
   
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.
   
He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer

[doug s.]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!  Are you ok?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman turns to him and says, "Pepper."
=================================
doug s.

[aragon63]

-----------

[Bob in St. Louis]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
 
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

===================================


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

[JerryM]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must
be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender packs it into the jar. "OK,"
the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks,"Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands
and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks,
but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and
soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pitbull
yelping and then. .silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.

"Now," he says. "where zat woman with the sore tooth?"