[jschwenker]

We always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll.
So our therapist suggested that we each try the other person’s way for a week.
You know … Roll reversal.

[mix4fix]

We always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll.
So our therapist suggested that we each try the other person’s way for a week.
You know … Roll reversal.

The only right way is "over". That is how the original patent is, and under creates a health hazard.

[Bob2]

We have been having problems with deer munching our Hibiscus plants. Tried many ways to keep them away but nothing worked. So, I contacted the Pentagon and asked if they could send a drone to shoot a missile or two to scare off the deer. They declined but sent us a Military grade "Yard Defender". Check the photo. Senses when something passes in front of it and hoses the offender.
Works pretty good but we should have ordered one with Facial Recognition software. Seems that the homeowner looks like a deer to this thing.

[AllanS]

We always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll.
So our therapist suggested that we each try the other person’s way for a week.
You know … Roll reversal.

The only right way is "over". That is how the original patent is, and under creates a health hazard.

But under prevents empty roll when the 3 year old decides to play spin the toilet paper roll.

[mix4fix]

But under prevents empty roll when the 3 year old decides to play spin the toilet paper roll.

That's when you scold them.

People stopped beating their kids, and that's why they act the way they act.

[jschwenker]

Trust science.
Studies show that if your parents didn't have children there's a high probability you won't either.

[jschwenker]

My friend’s wife told him “Sex is better on holiday.”
He wasn’t expecting that... on the postcard she sent from Greece.

[mix4fix]

If you take the first two letters of the title of each of the 7 Hogwarts books, it spells out a secret message.

[nlitworld]

If you take the first two letters of the title of each of the 7 Hogwarts books, it spells out a secret message.

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa 

[jschwenker]

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children.
Three were named North, South and West.
What was her other child’s name?
Bobbie: East?

Robbie: No. Larry.

[richidoo]

^ Could be SAT test question

[nlitworld]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[MttBsh]

A cow with two legs shorter than the others?

It could only be lean beef

[mix4fix]

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI.

[jschwenker]

“How many people here have telekinetic powers?
Raise my hand.” — Emo Philips

[mix4fix]

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing

[Letitroll98]

“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”

[jschwenker]

Getting someone pregnant makes you a father.
Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing, then suggesting the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set off Old Faithful in their face - that makes you a dad.

[mix4fix]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know...

[Scroof Neachy]