[Russell Dawkins]

This might be clearer:

[ArthurDent]

This might be clearer:

  Thanks Russell.

[djbnh]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.  At a recent computer expo (COMDEX): Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments,

Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

[ted_b]

An oldie but a , er, goodie.  You know the age of a joke when anachronisms like Comdex are referred to.  It hasn't been around in almost 15 years. 

[Bob in St. Louis]

True.
That, and the fact that #10 has been true on some cars for more than a decade. 

[JohnR]

11. When you get home in the evening, the car door stays locked and you have to sit there with the engine running for half an hour while the car "installs updates."

[Bob in St. Louis]

11. When you get home in the evening, the car door stays locked and you have to sit there with the engine running for half an hour while the car "installs updates."

You don't know how close we are to having that very thing John. 
Every single day, the majority of the talking I do with customers in the service department, has to do with software to some extent.
Either the car itself, or their device and how it interacts with the car on some level.
Honestly, I can't wait for the day when cars with update at two o'clock in the morning when folks are sleeping, instead of waiting for things to fail, and it has to be towed in for a software update.

[jpm]

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Back in the '90s I owned a Ford Bronco II that enjoyed pulling this exact "prank" on me in the middle of intersections. Typically during rush hour.  I traded it instead of replacing the engine.

[Don_S]

12.  You are done shopping.  You get into your self-driving car and select "home".  Response is "404 not found" 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Back in the '90s I owned a Ford Bronco II that enjoyed pulling this exact "prank" on me in the middle of intersections. Typically during rush hour.  I traded it instead of replacing the engine.

"Back in the day", I was a mechanic, and I had a customer with a white Jeep Cherokee that died on left turns. Can't tell you how many times they came in. They got so much free labor from me looking for that gremlin. I never did fix that car. There weren't too many cars that kicked my butt, but that one did.   

12.  You are done shopping.  You get into your self-driving car and select "home".  Response is "404 not found" 

Or you're in a Tesla, and it crashes before you get home. 

[jpm]

"Back in the day", I was a mechanic, and I had a customer with a white Jeep Cherokee that died on left turns. Can't tell you how many times they came in. They got so much free labor from me looking for that gremlin. I never did fix that car. There weren't too many cars that kicked my butt, but that one did.   

... unfortunately the parts and labor $ were coming out of my own pocket    As a recent arrival to the US with no credit history I was trapped making payments to my wife's step grandfather as well as the shop bills.  The vehicle made me a total nervous wreck but to this day has ensured my loyalty to the credit union that was eventually willing to give me a commercial loan for a different vehicle.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Welcome to the American dream..... of debt. 

[aragon63]

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
               
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
               
Old Coon River Mac, the cowboy from Texas , remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...










 

[I.Greyhound Fan]

Speaking of Cowboys and Texas.  When I went to school at Oklahoma State University I had some friends from Oklahoma and Texas.   There is a big state rivalry.  We were all sitting in a bar drinking beer when one of my Texas friends was bragging about Texas to the guys from Oklahoma, when one the guys from OK asked the guy from Texas- Do you know the difference between  Oklahoma Cowboys and  Texas Cowboys?  The guy from TX replied no.  The guy from OK said- Cowboys from Tx step right up and put it in.  Cowboys from OK, put it in and step right up.  End of story!

[Bob in St. Louis]

Little Luigi and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Luigi goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
 
Luigi bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Luigi, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
 
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Luigi replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
 
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
 
Again, Luigi instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."
 
Mr. Smith is impressed
Luigi has put so much thought into this.
 
"Well Luigi,
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question..
What will you do if the two of you should have little children
of your own?"
 
Luigi just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[monte]

That was good Bob

[Bob in St. Louis]

That was good Bob

Thank you. 

[mikeeastman]

That hurt me Bob 

[Bob in St. Louis]

That hurt me Bob 

You must be a parent.