[Russell Dawkins]

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I85.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Guy 13]

Excerpts taken from court proceedings that's really silly and funny too. These are actually things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-three or thirty-six, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-three years.

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you
      when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Where am I, Christy?"
Q : And why did that upset you?
A : My name is Evon!

Q : Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep,
      he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q : So, the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th?
A : Yes.
Q : And what were you doing at that time?

Q : She had three children right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?

[Guy 13]

Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but he continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Little Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

[Bob in St. Louis]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their respective husbands. The women were asked, "How
many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then
they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved
him?" Some women answered "Today", a few "yesterday", and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

Then they were then told to exchange phones with another person, and
to read aloud the text message they received from their husbands, in response:

Here are some of the replies:

1.  Who the hell is this?

2.  Mother of my children?  Are you sick or what?

3.  Yeah, I love you too.  What's up with you?

4.  What now?  Did you wreck the car again?

5.  I don't understand what you mean?

6.  What the **** did you do now?

7.  You're kidding, right ?

8.  Don't beat around the bush.  Just tell me how much you need.

9.  Am I dreaming?

10.  If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will pay!

11.  I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

(And one that was voted 'favorite' by most)

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

[brooklyn]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow and hears about
one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you
non-Scandahoovians out der). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm
and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When
he grabs the tit and pulls...the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks
at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try
again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does
come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes
her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says,
' Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and
see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the tits - and the cow
farts.

Sven looks at Ole, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'

[Bob in St. Louis]

From Brazil.
A show much like "Candid Camera":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1bG2EPGmI0#t=82

[Russell Dawkins]

 they go unnoticed for a month...

http://imgur.com/gallery/Ith2N/new

Note: a lot of the humor is in the fake text accompanying the fake photos.

[Bob in St. Louis]

That guy is a hero (the new, modern day definition, not the old school). That's fantastic.

[charmerci]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

   
    I was eating breakfast with  my  10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?"

   Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"
   
   She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

   I was waiting for something  about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc.
   
   She replied,  "Presidents  Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit."
   
   You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[brooklyn]

Good one Bob

[Bob in St. Louis]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise
your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Bob in St. Louis]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
 
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
 
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
 
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[mightym]

        A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
        telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
        occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

        The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
        psychic dog or senile lady.

        He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
        subscriber's house.

        The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
        telephone began to ring.

        Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
        1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a
        steel chain and collar.
        2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
        3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
        number was called.
        4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
        5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


        Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[FireGuy]

[milford3]

 

[milford3]

deleted

[Chrisandalex1]

The Psychic Watch:

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman. 

The woman notices that he is wearing a beautiful watch and asks the guy what kind of watch it is.

The guy turns to her and says thank you, it is a psychic watch. 

The woman proceeds to ask him watch a psychic watch is?

Well says the man, looking at the watch, let me demonstrate.  For instance I can tell that you are not wearing any underwear right now. 

The woman says, yes I am.

To which the guy responds:  Damn it is an hour fast again.

[Bob in St. Louis]

http://fortwayne.craigslist.org/tls/4900611822.html

[Kenneth Patchen]

http://fortwayne.craigslist.org/tls/4900611822.html

And just exactly, pray tell, Bob, where you searching Craigslist for when you came upon that gem?