Joke of the Day

JerryM · « **Reply #1200 on:** 14 Jan 2015, 02:10 am »

Roses are red, violets are blue;
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

martyo · « **Reply #1201 on:** 14 Jan 2015, 08:06 am »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1202 on:** 14 Jan 2015, 02:27 pm »

An Irish Miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands
butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the
universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with
his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the
floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some
buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over
so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter
side up. It's a mir….
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this
matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people
round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by
scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is
great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in
much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after eight long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces
the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in
Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the
Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other
explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they
think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

Don_S · « **Reply #1203 on:** 14 Jan 2015, 05:00 pm »

With great power comes great non-accountability.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1204 on:** 15 Jan 2015, 03:35 pm »

A little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " He asked.

" Well, " his mother said, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

" You gonna tell him or should I? "

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1205 on:** 16 Jan 2015, 03:42 pm »

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Don_S · « **Reply #1206 on:** 16 Jan 2015, 04:15 pm »

Awesome Bob.

That is exactly why I retired at age 54. Truth is only an 87.

BobM · « **Reply #1207 on:** 16 Jan 2015, 04:50 pm »

but retirement = 127

Don_S · « **Reply #1208 on:** 16 Jan 2015, 04:59 pm »

Quote from: BobM on 16 Jan 2015, 04:50 pm

but retirement = 127

Bob,
Thank you for that.

mresseguie · « **Reply #1209 on:** 16 Jan 2015, 06:20 pm »

Guys....Awesome stuff!

JakeJ · « **Reply #1210 on:** 16 Jan 2015, 07:10 pm »

Hurry up retirement!

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1211 on:** 17 Jan 2015, 01:48 am »

Hi all,
just for fun I tried " Guy 13 " and it equal my real age 66.
7 + 21 + 25 + 13 = 66

Guy 13

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1212 on:** 17 Jan 2015, 03:10 am »

Hi all,
another little addition game.
AudioCircle
1 + 21 + 4 + 9 + 15 + 3 + 9 + 18 + 3 + 12 + 5 = 100 or 100%
I knew it that Audio Circle was 100% good.

Thanks to JohnR and all AC members.

Guy 13
I like mathematic.

mightym · « **Reply #1213 on:** 18 Jan 2015, 09:12 pm »

I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree.

They sent me back a packet of seeds, and suggested that I just start over.

mightym · « **Reply #1214 on:** 18 Jan 2015, 09:44 pm »

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat

on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After

finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the

shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy

paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself

and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a

mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted

and framed."

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1215 on:** 20 Jan 2015, 01:09 am »

A man had lost an arm from an accident. He became very depressed because he
loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator
and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the
ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up
his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at
all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and
was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and
said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no
arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels
again.

Curious, the man with one arm asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just make one want to cry.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1216 on:** 22 Jan 2015, 10:18 am »

An old lady, use to sit on a bench in a park to feed the pigeons.

One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

Then suddenly a man in his early 40s, who was watching her from a distance, came near her and told her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

The old lady said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!"

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1217 on:** 22 Jan 2015, 04:22 pm »

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells

ted_b · « **Reply #1218 on:** 22 Jan 2015, 04:34 pm »

Quote from: Kenneth Patchen on 22 Jan 2015, 04:22 pm

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Sound like the rooster should have been named Cosby.

macrojack · « **Reply #1219 on:** 22 Jan 2015, 05:16 pm »

Quote from: Kenneth Patchen on 22 Jan 2015, 04:22 pm

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells

I thought this joke was great when I first heard it in 2006. It's kinda lost its meaning in the intervening years.