[JohnR]

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

Ha

[JohnR]

 
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password

USER: “cabbage”
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
 
USER: “boiled cabbage”
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
 
USER: “1 boiled cabbage”
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
 
USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
 
USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
 
USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
 
USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Hah hah! And you'll have to change it again in three months time.

[jschwenker]

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

I emailed that to a friend who's pretty picky about his jokes - it got under his skin.

He had his wife read it too and determined thereby which type she might be...

Cheers,  John

[JerryM]

I emailed that to a friend who's pretty picky about his jokes - it got under his skin.

He had his wife read it too and determined thereby which type she might be...

Cheers,  John

He might like this one:

There are exactly threee erors in this sentence. 

[jschwenker]

He might like this one:

There are exactly threee erors in this sentence. 

HA!  Ouch, nother good un...   

[decal]

New from the Bill and Hillary Clinton Kitchen Collection........


 
 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

[Rocket_Ronny]

Got that right. 

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Rocket_Ronny

[pansixt]

Pretty Funny. Until Inauguration Day 20??

[thunderbrick]

Joe and the headache…….

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[jhm731]

[jhm731]

[mightym]

Not really jokes, but dayum funny.....

Via my FIL, uttered by SC Highway Patrol.....

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket,  huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another  ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center )

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

My personal favorite.....

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."
 

     

[smargo]

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

[jarcher]

Not really jokes, but dayum funny.....

Via my FIL, uttered by SC Highway Patrol.....

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket,  huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another  ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center )

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

My personal favorite.....

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."
   

I'm thinking I don't much appreciate SC HWP humor....... ....though there certainly are many jackasses out there that deserve it.......

[jhm731]

[Guy 13]

Hi jhm731.
I saw the same thing 15 years ago a the the
Tan Son Nhat airport custom office in Ho Chi Minh City.
I did not have a camera at the time, so,
you will have to take my word for it.

Guy 13

[Rclark]

What is the difference between a professional hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player is required to shower after 3 periods.

[WGH]

I was at a commercial job site yesterday measuring the entry for the custom mesquite veneer doors I am making. The job is 4 months behind schedule, everything is screwed up, even the aluminum store front entry is wrong and has to be redone before my doors will fit.

And where is the job superintendent during all this? Playing solitaire on his computer.   

I guess the joke is on me.

[Guy 13]

Hi all.
This is my joke of the day.
I find this very funny.

https://tv.yahoo.com/tv-in-no-time/penn-teller-reveal-famous-magic-061244687.html

Guy 13

[ebag4]

Hi all.
This is my joke of the day.
I find this very funny.

Guy 13

Me too Guy