[Bob in St. Louis]

Meet Walter Barnes -
All men should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
 
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How
many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
 
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated  his question.
All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
 
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
 
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
 
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
 
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The  congregation stood up and
clapped their hands.
 
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us
all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy
in the world?"
 
The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,
turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all  them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

[JerryM]

[smargo]

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

[thunderbrick]

[Bob in St. Louis]

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[decal]

Tree Hugger




When you think you're having a bad day ......

Read this and know that it could have been worse.

While walking through  Golden Gate Park  in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.   

With this, the other fella slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What happened to you?"

He told the other fella the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished his story, the other fella shook his head in sympathy, walked  around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 

"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...."

[decal]

Staying sharp in retirement........


It's very important to keep a sharp mind in retirement!!

As we slowly move through retirement,

we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........


Like this guy.......






I know, I saw it right away too....

No safety glasses or hearing protection.

And I caught something else that is really important:

He has no gloves on!!!!!!!

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.

 



 

[smargo]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[jhm731]

For those of us of a "certain age"

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS
AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ...

“YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED, “WHAT DID YOU TEACH???”



 
 
 

[srb]

Why all CAPS?  It only makes it harder to read.

[jhm731]

Why all CAPS?  It only makes it harder to read.

I'm sorry, that's the way my friend sent it to me.....he's old.

[Ericus Rex]

I'm sorry, that's the way my friend sent it to me.....he's old.

 

[decal]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man; "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in.

[decal]

Why all CAPS?  It only makes it harder to read.

[Bob in St. Louis]

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
 
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-color of the car? .. . . .. .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
 
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car

[decal]

[Bob in St. Louis]

[decal]

Guilty as charged !!!!!!!!!

[JakeJ]

Damn funny as it hits home for me too.

Hey, whats with the peering eyeball in the bush?  (About two thirds of the way up on the right side of the frame)  CIA, NSA, or Homeland Security?

[Bob in St. Louis]

Hey, whats with the peering eyeball in the bush?  (About two thirds of the way up on the right side of the frame)  CIA, NSA, or Homeland Security?

Good eye Jake! But I dont know. Your theorys sound pretty good since we're talking about online security.