Joke of the Day

decal · « **Reply #900 on:** 1 Mar 2014, 04:15 pm »

Only A Texan Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to
die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Texas stood up in
the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark
brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved.
He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

thunderbrick · « **Reply #901 on:** 2 Mar 2014, 05:44 pm »

Subject: TEXTING

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of
a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love
you.”

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

ArthurDent · « **Reply #902 on:** 2 Mar 2014, 08:00 pm »

Thanks for the morning chuckle 'brick.

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #903 on:** 2 Mar 2014, 09:58 pm »

LMAO!

decal · « **Reply #904 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 02:28 pm »

I went to the local big box sporting goods store over the weekend to pick up a few things.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and
bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun
control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that she was referring to how I should place my
credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They
need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #905 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 02:36 pm »

How men and women record things in their diaries.

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt .. who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

srb · « **Reply #906 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 03:47 pm »

Less than one year rule
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg1245737#msg1245737

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #907 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 04:08 pm »

Quote from: srb on 3 Mar 2014, 03:47 pm

Less than one year rule
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg1245737#msg1245737

Does that mean I get a spankin'?

thunderbrick · « **Reply #908 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 04:56 pm »

Bob, keep your fetish out of AC!

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #909 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 05:10 pm »

You mean "our"?

thunderbrick · « **Reply #910 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 05:58 pm »

Asshole. I TOLD you, what goes on at………………ahhhh, never mind!

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #911 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 06:01 pm »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #912 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 06:51 pm »

SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
* * * * * *

Speedskater · « **Reply #913 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 06:58 pm »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 3 Mar 2014, 04:08 pm

Does that mean I get a spankin'?

Business before pleasure.

Ericus Rex · « **Reply #914 on:** 3 Mar 2014, 09:40 pm »

Very clever, Thunderbrick!

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #915 on:** 4 Mar 2014, 03:47 pm »

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 22, and her name's Kathy.

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #916 on:** 4 Mar 2014, 05:08 pm »

A widower is depressed over the prospects of having to spend his fast approaching 90th birthday alone. To cheer him up, several friends contact an escort service to arrange for a surprise gift: female companionship for the evening. On the night of his birthday the man answers a knock on his door to find a startlingly beautiful and scantily dressed young woman standing on his doorstep. "Happy Birthday handsome! I'm your gift and I'm here to offer you Super Sex". The shocked gentleman takes a few minutes to recover before responding, "Well, in that case young lady, I'm afraid I'll have to take the soup"

smargo · « **Reply #917 on:** 4 Mar 2014, 07:59 pm »

Quote from: Kenneth Patchen on 4 Mar 2014, 05:08 pm

A widower is depressed over the prospects of having to spend his fast approaching 90th birthday alone. To cheer him up, several friends contact an escort service to arrange for a surprise gift: female companionship for the evening. On the night of his birthday the man answers a knock on his door to find a startlingly beautiful and scantily dressed young woman standing on his doorstep. "Happy Birthday handsome! I'm your gift and I'm here to offer you Super Sex". The shocked gentleman takes a few minutes to recover before responding, "Well, in that case young lady, I'm afraid I'll have to take the soup"

i dont get it?

BobM · « **Reply #918 on:** 4 Mar 2014, 08:00 pm »

super sex = soup or sex

mightym · « **Reply #919 on:** 5 Mar 2014, 10:18 pm »

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the

house told her they didn't have a bath, although if
she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass
didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't
believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you come back from darts, get here a little early and wait in the
back yard. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"