[geezer]

Too late!!!

[thunderbrick]

Too late!!!

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

I hope you have 5 minutes to read one of the most immature yet chortle inducing stories of today.
The context is provided >> here. <<
And here is the story:

I'm about 6'7'' so even when I'm just trying to be friendly (i.e. not farting on a stanger kid's head) and meeting a family member's or friend's kid for the first time, I've noticed they get very 'hide between their mother's legs' intimidated on sight if I'm not sitting down. So it's not hard for me to silence/intimidate a child, especially when I'm trying to.
However, a few times I've been called out. One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk (and no, we never finished playing the whole game). This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little shit in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."
I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge fucking G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle (which pissed me off even more considering how awful that movie was. BUY SOME GOOD TOYS!) "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.
At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!
I inch a bit closer to my prey, inspecting some wrestling toys and pondering the weird homoeroticness of the whole 'sport' in general. The kid shouts "FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, motherfucker.
I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. His head is down, getting frustrated with those god damn twisty tie things, and I go for the kill. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.
Now, generally speaking, the best way to go about this is to act casual, drop your belly bomb, then walk away after a few seconds like nothing is out of the ordinary. I usually go one aisle over and listen to the kid's reaction in delight. However, today I couldn't help myself. I have my head tilted back looking at this kid out of the corner of my eye, to ensure accuracy.
I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.
The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.
The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death. I had positioned myself well on the higher ground, free to escape or relent at any time and him, poor and immobilized: biding his time until the cruel attack was over. Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.
In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.
When I finished with my bidness (i.e. forcing a little boy to huff my farts), there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.
I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. On '2 alligator,' the only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.
She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh. I put the toy back on a middle shelf, turn around, give a final nonchalant looksy and then begin to take my exit.
Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I could feel him pointing at me but I continued to act like I was just browsing. I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:
"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"
I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.
"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"
Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."
"On my son?"
"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"
"Why did you fart on my son?"
At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. Fuck you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."
The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. I look up to see the black orb of security cameras and all the stories on reddit about unjustly having to register as a sex offender flash before my eyes. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can while dialing my friend. Like a true friend, he is right out front with the engine running and Risk in the trunk.
We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:
"Do you do that a lot?"
"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."
We both knew I was lying. We got to our other friends house, played risk until 4 in the morning while drinking scotch. Overall, I would say it was a preeeetay preeeeetay good day.

[JerryM]

 

[Guy 13]

 

[thunderbrick]

  I was peeing on myself halfway through the story!

[Guy 13]

Hi all Audio Circle members.
That funny story, reminds me of the following:
A long time ago, when I was 20 years old, therefore, that confirm that it was a very long time ago, when I went back home by bus after a day’s work, a co-worker that travelled with me, never could find a place to sit in the bus, because the bus was always overcrowded at rush hour.
Therefore he came up with this brilliant idea.
While standing up, he made a super silent but destructive fart, something likes an atomic bomb with the smell of a zillion highly decomposed pigs.
Guess what, immediately, he could get all the seats he wanted within a circle of at least half the length of the bus.
No need to say, that after sharing for the first time that unexpected and unforgettable experience, the next day I was at the front of the bus and he was at the back.
I will never forget that unforgettable experience.
Of course, today when I think about it, I laugh, but then, well you know.

Guy 13

[jhm731]

I was in my favorite restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass some gas... The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music... After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to that damn iPod my son gave me.

[Guy 13]

I was in my favorite restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass some gas... The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music... After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to that damn iPod my son gave me.

 

[Guy 13]

[Bob in St. Louis]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky, and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
 
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
 
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
   
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.   
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
 
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
   
He asks her 'Shall we?'   
   
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

[I.Greyhound Fan]

What did the teenage hillbilly girl say when she was about to lose her virginity?



Grandpa, your going to crush my smokes!

[decal]

 Grandma is still driving...

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.


Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

 

[jaywills]

I PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS!
 
Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow
of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Second Joke:

Q:  Know how to tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

A:  Lock both of them in the car trunk for an hour and see who's happiest to see you.

[Ericus Rex]

That was epic, Decal!

[Guy 13]

Hi all Audio Circle members.
You guys post very funny jokes. Each time I read one,
I have to brace myself to the chair, not to fall off.

Guy 13

[mightym]

Two grizzled, fur trappin' mountain men meet up in the woods.

Clem says to Frank, "I'm havin' a party over to my cabin Friday next week, think you could come?"

Frank, "Mebbe, whats gonna happen at yer party?"

Clem,"Wal there's likely to be some eatin',drankin',dancin',some fightin', and maybe some fornicatin'."

Frank, "I think that sounds like a humdinger of a good time"

Clem, "yesir I do too".

Frank, "Who else is coming?",

Clem, "So far it's just me and you......".

[Guy 13]

Hi all Audio Circle members.
My God, these days you guys are surpassing yourself
with all those super funny jokes.
That cheers me up and it's really needed these days.
Thanks.

Guy 13

I will consider those today's jokes
as my birthday gift.

[decal]

[mikeeastman]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.