[Ericus Rex]

As a former Georgian and UGA graduate I have to say I'm deeply offended by your callous, insensitive joke.  In the future, please be sure to direct the brunt of these types of jokes to deserving Alabama residents.   

[thunderbrick]

Of course, my apologies!  As one who has also lived in Lousyanna and Texas I can feel your pain, but it just didn't come across as well to be licking the balls of a crawdad or a horned toad.

I also applaud your amazing ability, as a UGA grad, to write a coherent sentence.   

[jhm731]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" ... "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."

[Pete Schumacher]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" ... "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."

That night the kid and old man come walking up the street dragging 30 cats . . .

[jhm731]

That night the kid and old man come walking up the street dragging 30 cats . . .

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Let's see if I've got everybody covered......

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.



"You can't come in here without a Thai"

[ArthurDent]

I commend your work ethic Bob, that's a lot of effort for that punchline.   

[Russell Dawkins]

I commend your work ethic Bob, that's a lot of effort for that punchline.   

I agree - that's a dedicated comic for you.

[Bob in St. Louis]

With recent events and some folks feeling singled out, I figured it was best if I got 'em all in there.
My apologies if I missed any flags, please feel free to let me know and I'll edit appropriately. 

Bob - People pleaser

[jhm731]

I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Let me know if you can help.
 

[jhm731]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

[thunderbrick]

As a former Georgian and UGA graduate I have to say I'm deeply offended by your callous, insensitive joke.  In the future, please be sure to direct the brunt of these types of jokes to deserving Alabama residents.   

Upon further reflection I neglected to say it was a road game.  At 'Bama.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

[thunderbrick]

 

[RDavidson]

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

..........who upon further investigation, was actually trying to shoot his trashy wife. When police asked for comment, she said she was very surprised by what happened, stating "He normally shoots blanks."

[Bob in St. Louis]

Random thoughts...........
 
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part....
 
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off!!
 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...
 
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
 
I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30...
 
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
 
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard! "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[jparkhur]

Wow, I didn't know we were both married to the same person.. I thought Polyandry was outlawed..


Funny....

You know how to make your dishwasher in to a snowblower....  give your wife a shovel....

[jhm731]

[Letitroll98]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS!
Part I
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Guy 13]

Hi Lelitroll98 and all Audio Circle members.
That's a really good one. 

Guy 13