Joke of the Day

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #780 on:** 18 Dec 2013, 11:21 pm »

A man carrying a pig walks into his bedroom where his wife is resting and says "Here's the fat pig that I have been sleeping with". His wife then looks up at him and says "you've been sleeping with that pig?" The man replies "shut up, I wasn't talking to you".

Bada Bing!

One more- What is the definition of Relative Humidity? It is when you are having sex with your sister in law and sweat is running down your butt crack!

By the way Bob, the last joke was great!

thunderbrick · « **Reply #781 on:** 18 Dec 2013, 11:34 pm »

In the past month or so these jokes have become less clever, more crude, and even more offensive.

Keep 'em coming, Guys! It's been GREAT!

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #782 on:** 18 Dec 2013, 11:47 pm »

For those of you who have not seen this 26 minute Roberto Benigni movie it is a must see. It starts off slow the first 5-6 minutes until he picks up the priest in his taxi where it picks up. You must listen to the confession scene (English subtitles but hilarious). I saw this on TV several years ago and was laughing so hard I cried. Here it is on you tube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N99Ps4nLBGU

SlushPuppy · « **Reply #783 on:** 19 Dec 2013, 03:54 pm »

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

An Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

A Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘These are bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Season Begins …

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #784 on:** 19 Dec 2013, 03:55 pm »

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #785 on:** 19 Dec 2013, 04:04 pm »

So this guy is in bed with his wife and she says to him "Have you slept with any other women while we have been married". He replies no, all the others kept me up all night".

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #786 on:** 19 Dec 2013, 05:30 pm »

Quote from: SlushPuppy on 19 Dec 2013, 03:54 pm

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

An Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

A Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘These are bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Season Begins …

Lol, funny, only slightly risque, and one you can repeat to women. The last few have been very funny, but only to men.

gregcss · « **Reply #787 on:** 20 Dec 2013, 06:20 pm »

Quote from: I.Greyhound Fan on 18 Dec 2013, 11:21 pm

A man carrying a pig walks into his bedroom where his wife is resting and says "Here's the fat pig that I have been sleeping with". His wife then looks up at him and says "you've been sleeping with that pig?" The man replies "shut up, I wasn't talking to you".

A lot of funny jokes here but this one had me laughing out loud at work. Thanks

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #788 on:** 23 Dec 2013, 08:33 pm »

Text from daughter to mom:

"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?

Text from mom to daughter:

"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:

"OMG, mom.....sorry, I misspelled gum."

dflee · « **Reply #789 on:** 24 Dec 2013, 10:46 pm »

For a number of years I was confused during this time of year.
I thought Ho, Ho, Ho was a four way!

Don

bside123 · « **Reply #790 on:** 26 Dec 2013, 06:51 pm »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #791 on:** 27 Dec 2013, 02:17 pm »

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

ArthurDent · « **Reply #792 on:** 27 Dec 2013, 05:13 pm »

Thanks for the morning chuckle Bob.

fejnomit · « **Reply #793 on:** 27 Dec 2013, 06:11 pm »

Where's the dog with no legs?

Wherever you left him.

catastrofe · « **Reply #794 on:** 27 Dec 2013, 09:03 pm »

Quote from: I.Greyhound Fan on 18 Dec 2013, 12:56 am

So there is this Walrus driving down the road in his car when he see's steam coming from under the hood. So he drives to the nearest service station and the mechanic says we can take a look at the car and probably have if fixed in an hour or 2. He says to the Walrus, "why don't you go across the street and have lunch at the diner while we fix your car". The walrus says "thats a great idea" and he heads to the diner. After finishing his sandwich and ice cream he heads back to the service station and asks the manager "how's the car?" The service manager says "it looks like you blew a seal". The walrus then wipes something off his face and tastes it and says, "Oh that, that is just the vanilla ice cream that I had for lunch!

ROTFL!

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #795 on:** 27 Dec 2013, 09:33 pm »

Bob thats an oldie but a goodie!

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #796 on:** 27 Dec 2013, 09:35 pm »

A 40 year old woman who recently had a face lift goes to the supermarket and asks the guy at the check out counter how old do you think I am? He responds- You don't look a day over 35. She says thank you, I am 40. She then goes and buys some shoe's and asks the salesman how old do you think I am? He responds- Why you don't look a day over 30. She says thank you, I am 40 years old. She then decides to stop by McDonalds to eat some lunch. She pays for the food and decides to ask the cashier how old do you think I am? He responds, why you don't look a day over 29. She giggles with happiness and says- Thank you very much, I am 40 years old.

She then takes her lunch and sits down on a park bench to eat. About this time a bum sits down beside her. She thinks to herself, what the hell and asks the bum how old do you think I am? He replies, I can tell you how old you are but I must feel your breasts. Being curious, she thinks about it and says ok. After a couple of minutes of feeling her breasts he says- You are 40 years old. Astounded she says, that's amazing, you were able to tell how old I was by feeling my breasts. The bum replies, nope, I was standing behind you in line at the McDonalds!

Bada Bing, Bada Boom!

Joke of the Day
There was a man who was stranded on a desert island with his German Shepard and a Sheep. A year goes by and the guy can't stop thinking about sex. Thinking that he was never going to get off the island he starts thinking about the sheep. One day he can't take it any more and he decides that he is going to do the poor sheep. But every time he gets near the sheep the dog growls and snaps at him. After a few months of trying he finally gives up.

Then, one day there is a fierce storm and when it clears he looks out into the ocean and see's a Yacht sinking and a woman floundering in the water. So he swims out into the ocean and pulls her to the safety of shore. He looks down at her and she is half naked and is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She looks up and him and calls him a hero says thank you for saving me. I'll do any thing you ask of me. So the guy looks down at her and says "come to think of it, can you take the dog for a walk for about 30 minutes.

decal · « **Reply #797 on:** 6 Jan 2014, 12:50 pm »

Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have
brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments
for old people are called "Depends."

You see, when babies crap their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
However, when old people crap their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

Glad to get that straightened out for you.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #798 on:** 6 Jan 2014, 01:17 pm »

An old women says:
At my age, I have realized going bra-less pulls the wrinkles out of my face.

Guy 13 · « **Reply #799 on:** 6 Jan 2014, 01:18 pm »

Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the
one that will get you home earlier.

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor
instead of by the police.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
avoid you.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot