[thunderbrick]

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he
asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but asking
children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the question, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called
on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that
lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from
their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

[decal]

 

[bpape]

 

[Letitroll98]

A New Years Eve joke, a little late.

"I told you I was good to drive last night"

"Dumbass...I drove, you sat in the passenger seat and steered with a paper plate"

[decal]

Driving while drinking is bad, mkay.(all apologies to Mr. Mackey)

[decal]

 Ear Infection

This is so true!  They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong  and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. 

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose

 

[Mitsuman]

I seriously LOL'D

[mikeeastman]

   

[decal]

MT. VERNON, TEXAS … WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

[thunderbrick]

 

[won ton on]

good one........lmao

[doug s.]

reminds me of what i thought was the funniest scene in the simpson's movie - when everyone thought the end of the world was coming, the church emptied out and everyone ran to the bar across the street, while simultaneously, everyone in the bar was fleeing and running to the church...   

doug s.

[JoshK]

reminds me of what i thought was the funniest scene in the simpson's movie - when everyone thought the end of the world was coming, the church emptied out and everyone ran to the bar across the street, while simultaneously, everyone in the bar was fleeing and running to the church...   

doug s.

Reminds me of an old joke (I grew up in a strict protestant family).   What is the optimal number of Christians (fill in your favorite denomination here) to take fishing?   2.   If you take one he/she will drink all your beer, take two and they will drink none. 

[decal]

Reminds me of an old joke (I grew up in a strict protestant family).   What is the optimal number of Christians (fill in your favorite denomination here) to take fishing?   2.   If you take one he/she will drink all your beer, take two and they will drink none.

That ain't no joke brother!!!!!

[decal]

I know I'm ugly, you kiddin' me. I told the doctor I wanted a vasectomy, he said, "with your face you don't need one".
Rodney Dangerfield

[milford3]

Rodney Dangerfield was the best..  I seen him on stage and was amazed how fast two hours can go.

[xlnc]

A Short Story for Engineers

 
A toothpaste factory had a problem:  they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the  toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided  to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company  to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already  too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process:  budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six  months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on  budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!”  – He says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out; the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren’t picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.

 

[lonewolfny42]

Smart idea....funny reactions....."Drive Thru Invisible Driver Prank" 

[xlnc]

Dentist with a good sense of humour


A gentleman went to the  Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. 
           
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and  the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

[decal]

The Atheist and the Bear


An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'


'Very well', said the voice.


The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'