These are things you know how to use but never knew they had perfect
definitions.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks
you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom
piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say.....
"Oh sh--!!!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
NOTE: Most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touchup jobs into major refinishing projects.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
Board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conductor
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub you want the race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKET S:
Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
that 9/16 or socket you've been searching for the last
45 minutes.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity and operator
reflexes/dodging capabilities.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped
hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing all types of wood splinters (see
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4) and wire wheel debris.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that
snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare beginners into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D (the
sunshine vitamin), which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
NOTE: Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusted bolts which
were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly
snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
trying to hit.
NOTE: Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
NOTE: Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling "DAMMIT!!" at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you
will need.
