Joke of the Day

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #2422 on:** 11 Sep 2018, 01:38 pm »

Quote from: jhm731 on 8 Sep 2018, 01:20 am

I think it’s sad that I find this so funny. Maybe I should be worried.

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #2423 on:** 11 Sep 2018, 01:39 pm »

OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

A 71-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked. You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Audiovista · « **Reply #2424 on:** 11 Sep 2018, 02:40 pm »

I did not see that coming!

Goosepond · « **Reply #2425 on:** 11 Sep 2018, 02:53 pm »

I don't think that's funny at all!!!

Maybe it's because I'm 73!!!

And yes, I'm starting to have problems opening jars!

Gene

charmerci · « **Reply #2426 on:** 11 Sep 2018, 03:42 pm »

Quote from: Kenneth Patchen on 11 Sep 2018, 01:38 pm

I think it’s sad that I find this so funny. Maybe I should be worried.

A vacuum tube vacuuming a tube? Hilarious pun!

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #2427 on:** 12 Sep 2018, 01:18 pm »

I have severe psoriatic arthritis in my hands and wrists, not so bad in elbows and shoulders. I have to develop strategies for opening jars, pill bottles, turning a key in a lock, not much fun. But I laughed heartily at the joke, you gotta laugh to keep from crying.

Don_S · « **Reply #2428 on:** 12 Sep 2018, 02:30 pm »

Quote from: Letitroll98 on 12 Sep 2018, 01:18 pm

I have severe psoriatic arthritis in my hands and wrists, not so bad in elbows and shoulders. I have to develop strategies for opening jars, pill bottles, turning a key in a lock, not much fun. But I laughed heartily at the joke, you gotta laugh to keep from crying.

People's Parties
by Joni Mitchell

All the people at this party
They've got a lot of style
They've got stamps of many countries
They've got passport smiles
Some are friendly
Some are cutting
Some are watching it from the wings
Some are standing in the centre
Giving to get something

Photo beauty gets attention
Then her eye paint's running down
She's got a rose in her teeth
And a lampshade crown
One minute she's so happy
Then she's crying on someone's knee
Saying laughing and crying
You know it's the same release

I told you when I met you
I was crazy
Cry for us all beauty
Cry for Eddie in the corner
Thinking he's nobody
And Jack behind his joker
And stone-cold Grace behind her fan
And me in my frightened silence
Thinking I don't understand

I feel like I'm sleeping
Can you wake me
You seem to have a broader sensibility
I'm just living on nerves and feelings
With a weak and a lazy mind
And coming to peoples parties
Fumbling deaf dumb and blind

I wish I had more sense of humor
Keeping the sadness at bay
Throwing the lightness on these things
Laughing it all away
Laughing it alI away
Laughing it all away

JerryM · « **Reply #2429 on:** 13 Sep 2018, 02:21 am »

Wow, music in the Jokes Circle; sweet.

When I feel like what that song says, I listen to music like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fw0OvKFKhw - (This song is NSFW and should not be played around kids - or those otherwise easily offended - in fact, it should be listened to by nobody - play at your own risk)

The background girls' singing cracks me up every single time.

JakeJ · « **Reply #2430 on:** 13 Sep 2018, 08:00 am »

Damn, that was funny! Good job, JerryM, never heard that "tune" before but I can relate as I have had more than my share of POS cars.

jhm731 · « **Reply #2431 on:** 13 Sep 2018, 07:52 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #2432 on:** 15 Sep 2018, 12:09 am »

JakeJ · « **Reply #2433 on:** 15 Sep 2018, 07:49 am »

Comment deleted because it isn't relative.

WGH · « **Reply #2434 on:** 15 Sep 2018, 03:39 pm »

Cawker, Kansas - World's largest ball of twine

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2435 on:** 15 Sep 2018, 10:56 pm »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2436 on:** 15 Sep 2018, 10:57 pm »

Goosepond · « **Reply #2437 on:** 16 Sep 2018, 01:53 am »

I got it!
I got it!

Gene

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2438 on:** 17 Sep 2018, 05:53 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #2439 on:** 21 Sep 2018, 02:24 am »

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion; so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl…
with big tits…