[yooper]

 A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual.... 'I have a headache.'
 'Perfect,' her husband said.
 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
 You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[ton1313]

A guy was out drinking with some old friends. It was the first time out in years since he got married. He looked at his watch, it was 7:00, and said to his friends" I have to get going, my wife's expecting me and she will be mad if I'm late".

His buddies replied " aw, come on! you haven't been out for so long, have another".

OK, just one more.....

One led to two, three .....

He looked at his watch and next thing you know it was 11:00
"I'm in trouble now! My wife is going to kill me!!

His buddy states " Don't worry I have the solution to your problem." "Once you get home, you tiptoe down the hall, sneak into the bedroom, go up under the covers from the bottom of the bed, once you get to the sweet spot start licking, don't stop and she will never remember you were gone"!

So the guy goes home, tiptoes down the hall, sneaks into the bedroom, goes up under the covers from the bottom of the bed, gets to the sweet spot and starts licking, soon shes moaning like hell, and he's thinking " Yes! I'm in the clear"!

After a while (and all those drinks) he has to take a leak. So, he slips out the bottom of the bed, tiptoes down the hall to the bathroom, opens up the door and finds his wife sitting there on the toilet ! ! !

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE"!!!!! he exclaims

she replies SSSHHHHH!!!!! You'll wake mother!!!!!!



I love this joke, and hate it at the same time, if you follow my drift!

[Bob in St. Louis]

OMG!  You just gave me a visual of my Mother-in-law laying in the bed and me .......AAhhhh SHIT.
 

[Bob in St. Louis]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?   

[Canyoneagle]

GREAT thread!

So,

The teacher addresses the class and says "today we are going to learn about stories that have some kind of lesson or moral, so what I want each of you to do is to think of a short story, then think of its lesson."
So, after a while, little Suzie raises her hand "I've got one".

"Yes, go ahead Suzy" the teacher replies.

"A farmer gathers a basketful of fresh eggs and heads off to the market.  On the way, he loses grip of the basket and all of the eggs fall and break.  The moral of the story is 'dont put all of your eggs in one basket'"

"Very good, Suzie!  Anyone else?"

Andrea stands up and says,  "This man worked his whole life, saving all of his money for the future.  He didn't have any fun - he worked all the time, knowing he'd have plenty of time for fun later.  Then, one day, he was run over by a bus and he died."
The teacher immediately said "wow, that's a shocking story, Andrea, what's the moral?"
Andrea replies, "Live your life to the fullest in every moment."

"That's beautiful!" exclaimed the teacher.

At that point, little Tony stands up and says "I'll go."
"So my aunt rachel was a paratrooper in Iraq.  One day, their chopper was hit by those terrorist bastards and they had to bail.  So, she strapped on a chute, grabbed tons of guns and ammo, a knife, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and she jumped.
On the way down, she realized she had too much crap and needed to get rid of some stuff, so she downed the whole bottle of JD and chucked the empty bottle.  When she landed she immediately loaded up her M-16 and started putting holes in every enemy she saw, until her ammo ran out.  Then she threw her gun and took out two of the bastards, then she opened a can of ninja whoopass with her knife.  By the time she was done, she was standing on 150 dead bodies."

Horrified, the teacher asked "and-and, wha-  what would the moral be to such a horrific story?"

"Well, my dad always says, dont f#$ck with Aunt Rachel when she's been drinkin'"

[Bob in St. Louis]

This one is good.  aa
Apparently NOT a joke, but a true story.
Who knows, who cares, if you don't laugh out loud I'll give you your money back.

Bob
==================

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch
in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

[rpf]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

"Dave", my joke pimp strikes again:


Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble
one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

[Goosepond]

Woman who fly upside down have crack-up. 

Gene

[Bill O'Connell]

Bob,
that was the funniest taser story or any story I have ever read.With every sentence I couldn't read more or laugh louder. Had tears just streaming down my face.
Thank you,
Bill

[Bob in St. Louis]

You know Bill, that email "joke" has circulated through my inbox at least three time in the past several years. I still remember the first time I read it. Yea, tears streaming down my cheeks. To this day I have a hard time not laughing out loud while reading it.
In this day and age, it's healthy to have a good laugh now and then.
Glad I could help, and you are very welcome. 

I'll keep sending the good one's as I receive them.

Bob

[lonewolfny42]

One for Friday the 13th.....

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[mgalusha]

What do you call a bunny divorce?





A Hare less Rabbit of course..  <insert groan here>

[pedrillo]

Two guys walk out of a bar and see a dog licking his balls .
One guy says to the other " i wish i could do that "
The other responds " go ahead I'm sure he doesn't bite."

[Bob in St. Louis]

Kids Are Quick............

____________________________________
   
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________
 
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
_______________________________________ ___

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________ _____

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

 
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
_______________________________________ ___

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________


TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'   

_________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
______________________________________
   
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
   
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher

__________________________________

[Bob in St. Louis]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows
her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're
the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Canyoneagle]

 
That's a funny one!

[Canyoneagle]

I hope this one is 'neutral' enough to be admissable - mods let me know if it's not.

Moses is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting; he's looking
for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns
towards heaven and says: "God, if you find me a parking place, I
promise that I'll eat only kosher and respect all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face
up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one..."

[BobM]

Four nuns are driving along the highway when the car tire blows. They skid into a tree and are killed instantly. They ascend into heaven and see Moses standing at a podium ushering the newly departed into the kingdom of heaven.

The first nun approaches Moses and he says, "Sister, have you been faithful to your vows of poverty and chastity?"

The nun answers, "well I have been poor all my life, but I once saw a man's penis".

Moses says, "That is OK. Wash your eyes in the fountain, then you may pass through the gates."

The second nun is asked the same question and answers, "I once touched a man's penis."

Moses tells her, "Wash your hands in the fountain, then you too may pass through the gates."

At this point the 4th nun turns to the 3rd nun and asks, "Can I jump in front of you so I can wash out my mouth before you stick your ass in there?"

[ted_b]

Jones is a very religious man with three healthy sons.  He often goes and prays in his large beautiful backyard.

His first son becomes a famous race car driver and wins the Indy 500.  He has the world by the horns when, suddenly, he is involved in a freak collision outside of racing and dies days later of his injuries.  Jones is distraught and retreats to his back yard.  He prays to God “Why did this happen.  Why have You forsaken me?”  He hears no answer to his prayers.

His second son decides to become a stunt man.  Jones is nervous, of course, but his son convinces him that it is a safe profession, and pays very very well.  His son becomes a lead stuntman in Hollywood and seems to have everything in life, including a great young family.  Then one day a simple stunt goes awry and he is hurt badly.  Jones puts some of his own money into rehabbing his son, only to lose him a year later to the internal injuries.  Jones is once again distraught and retreats to his yard for prayer.  Same prayer “Why have You forsaken me?”.  Same answer…nothing.

Jones’s third son leads a very safe and normal life, and Jones feels like it’s all he can do to keep optimistic and religious.  Then one day Jones is given the news that his son has contracted a disease for which there is little hope.  All of Jones’s monies are poured into research, but in the end his last son perishes.  Now destitute, his home sold, he goes into the back yard one last time and prays.  “God, why have You forsaken me?”  Just then a dark cloud appears, the heavens begin to part and Jones realizes God is answering his prayers finally….he hears the Lord’s voice…”I don’t know, Jones…...just somethin’ about you that pisses me off.”