Joke of the Day

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1800 on:** 26 Nov 2016, 09:08 pm »

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

brooklyn · « **Reply #1801 on:** 26 Nov 2016, 10:43 pm »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 26 Nov 2016, 09:08 pm

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

Good one Bob, I love it..

JakeJ · « **Reply #1802 on:** 27 Nov 2016, 03:26 pm »

To quote Larry the Cable Guy, "That's funny right there, I don't care who y'are!"

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #1803 on:** 5 Dec 2016, 03:34 pm »

Hohoho, what's listed on the official TV Guide Christmas Movie Calendar for today boys and girls?

http://www.tvguide.com/special/holiday-guide/calendar/

Monday, December 5

Jingle All the Way
5:00pm
Watchlist

Scrooged
9:00pm
Watchlist

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
10:00pm
Watchlist

Sent from my iPad

mightym · « **Reply #1804 on:** 6 Dec 2016, 09:42 am »

Know why Santa's always so merry?

He knows where ALL the bad girls live....

jhm731 · « **Reply #1805 on:** 7 Dec 2016, 02:07 am »

dex67 · « **Reply #1806 on:** 9 Dec 2016, 03:06 pm »

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money”
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house”.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says sod you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.”

jhm731 · « **Reply #1807 on:** 9 Dec 2016, 05:56 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #1808 on:** 14 Dec 2016, 02:08 am »

A sullen looking fellow saddles up to the bar and tells the Bartender to pour a triple scotch.

The Batender, setting down a glass, says "Wow, everything alright?"

The guy says "I get home from work and find my best friend screwing my old lady."

The Bartender says "Wow; that is tough. Whad'ya do?"

"I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out out of my house! I told her I never want to see her again!"

"Whatd'ya say to your Buddy?"

"I said BAD DOG!!! BAD DOG!!!"

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1809 on:** 15 Dec 2016, 05:07 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #1810 on:** 18 Dec 2016, 12:21 am »

jhm731 · « **Reply #1811 on:** 20 Dec 2016, 11:55 pm »

brooklyn · « **Reply #1812 on:** 22 Dec 2016, 04:29 pm »

A Christmas Story:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,
and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming
to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others
had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of
the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.. When he went to the cupboard,
he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom
and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1813 on:** 23 Dec 2016, 01:26 am »

brooklyn · « **Reply #1814 on:** 31 Dec 2016, 04:26 am »

brooklyn · « **Reply #1815 on:** 1 Jan 2017, 04:07 pm »

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1816 on:** 2 Jan 2017, 03:40 pm »

FRIENDS - PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beer, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots….
I still had the sense to know that I was over my limit. Thats when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from and now that it is in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.

jhm731 · « **Reply #1817 on:** 2 Jan 2017, 07:26 pm »

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 80 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store.

I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared.

And I don't have acne.

Life is Good!

Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

jhm731 · « **Reply #1818 on:** 3 Jan 2017, 07:53 pm »

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1819 on:** 16 Jan 2017, 02:39 pm »