Joke of the Day

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2461 on:** 7 Nov 2018, 08:34 pm »

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'

richidoo · « **Reply #2462 on:** 11 Nov 2018, 12:07 am »

Bendingwave · « **Reply #2463 on:** 13 Nov 2018, 12:28 am »

Two cows were standing in a field eating grass, one cow said to the other 'what do you think
of mad cow disease'? The other cow said 'it doesn't bother me, I'm a duck!!!!

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2464 on:** 14 Nov 2018, 01:32 am »

Chess players have always snobbishly dismissed Checkers as a game for the mentally challenged. I disagree. I love Checkers. Plus, the red ones are delicious.

jhm731 · « **Reply #2465 on:** 16 Nov 2018, 06:33 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #2466 on:** 22 Nov 2018, 01:09 am »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2467 on:** 23 Nov 2018, 04:05 am »

So I get home yesterday and my dog is laying on my deck covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raise rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners.
I instantly knew it was one of theirs.
So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming....
So I go out and say... What's wrong???? Play it up etc.....
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
I think they're gonna move...... 😂😂😂😂😂😂

weatherman1 · « **Reply #2468 on:** 26 Nov 2018, 01:59 am »

It’s 2018, I’m 75 years old, some days I feel really old, worn out, and I still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I still haven’t found out "who let the dogs out"?..."where’s the beef"?, ..how to get to Sesame Street?... why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps?...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same?, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Or......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails?...what does the fox say?... why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in the word refrigerator?... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, yet Dawn dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons?... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?... and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to?... why does The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? Haha... and just what exactly is Victoria’s secret? and where is Waldo?... Can you hear me now?...and do you really think I am this witty?? ... and where ARE the nuggets on a chicken? I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from his brother’s girlfriend’s, uncle’s cousin’s who lived next door to an old class mate’s mailman...Now it is your turn to take it from me... what do you call a black Smurf?...why is Richard also a Dick? Why are “mountain oysters” called that when they come from nowhere near the ocean or the mountains...how a Coyote can be a wolf like animal...why are they called tweeters when they aren't made of feathers...and, woofers don't hump your leg?

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2469 on:** 3 Dec 2018, 05:36 pm »

djbnh · « **Reply #2470 on:** 7 Dec 2018, 01:10 pm »

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #2471 on:** 15 Dec 2018, 04:28 am »

An old woman takes her 85 year old husband to the doctor. The doctor examines the old guy and says to him "I need a sample of your urine and your stool" The old man says to his wife "What did the doctor say?" She replies "He wants your underwear"

Goosepond · « **Reply #2472 on:** 15 Dec 2018, 04:23 pm »

That's a good one. but I heard it differently.

The 85 year old husband comes home from the doctor visit. His wife asks what did the doctor say.

He says, "if it tastes good, don't eat it, if it feels good, don't do it.

Gene

aldcoll · « **Reply #2473 on:** 15 Dec 2018, 05:39 pm »

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #2474 on:** 21 Dec 2018, 09:20 pm »

JerryM · « **Reply #2475 on:** 21 Dec 2018, 09:57 pm »

richidoo · « **Reply #2476 on:** 26 Dec 2018, 01:22 am »

JerryM · « **Reply #2477 on:** 29 Dec 2018, 08:55 pm »

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2478 on:** 2 Jan 2019, 07:56 pm »

Goosepond · « **Reply #2479 on:** 2 Jan 2019, 08:09 pm »

??????????