Joke of the Day

JLM · « **Reply #2000 on:** 9 Apr 2017, 11:42 am »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 9 Apr 2017, 02:22 am

You must be a parent.

Or a 10 year old.

mikeeastman · « **Reply #2001 on:** 9 Apr 2017, 01:14 pm »

Niether, I just laughed so hard my rips hurt.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #2002 on:** 9 Apr 2017, 02:14 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #2003 on:** 10 Apr 2017, 01:11 am »

Mag · « **Reply #2004 on:** 11 Apr 2017, 01:04 am »

A Saskatchewan Grain Farmer was wintering in Tucson Arizona when he happened on a Texas Rancher at a bar.

The Texan boasted, " My ranch was sooo big it took all day to drive around the perimeter!" "Yeah.... I had a truck like that too once." replied the Saskatchewan Grain Farmer.

JerryM · « **Reply #2005 on:** 12 Apr 2017, 01:53 am »

jhm731 · « **Reply #2006 on:** 12 Apr 2017, 01:57 am »

JerryM · « **Reply #2007 on:** 12 Apr 2017, 02:03 am »

Quote from: jhm731 on 12 Apr 2017, 01:57 am

Yep, that's how ya' do it.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #2008 on:** 12 Apr 2017, 02:06 am »

Ohhh man... Facebook is LIT UP with United memes.

(Yea... for those of you that know me, I did "go to the dark side" and join Facebook)

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #2009 on:** 12 Apr 2017, 02:14 am »

Here's one of them:

jhm731 · « **Reply #2010 on:** 12 Apr 2017, 02:16 am »

djbnh · « **Reply #2011 on:** 13 Apr 2017, 12:28 am »

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger and chic woman at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock snd brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said.

The beautiful lady's eyes sparkled and her buxom, tanned body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now; and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!!

''I know, I know,' wearily said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

syzygy · « **Reply #2012 on:** 13 Apr 2017, 01:29 am »

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'