A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
Her husband replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security retirement. The woman behind the counter asks to see my driver's license to verify my age. I reached in my pockets and realized that I left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home to get my identification and then come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" so she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person would be able to go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, we pull over to the side of the road and the other driver gets out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... the other driver was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looks up at me and shouts, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's when the fight started...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise is heard from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy Crap! That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly gets out of bed, scared and naked he runs and jumps out the window like a crazy man. He crashes into the ground, runs through a thorn bush and then starts to run as fast as he can to his car.
A few minutes later the man returns and goes upstairs to the bedroom and screams at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And that's when the fight started......
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive, so I took her to a gas station.....
And that's when the fight started......
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started..........
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started......
