[mix4fix]

I played Hulk Hogan's "Real American" wrestling theme song to my pet snake.

It became a 24 inch python.

[jschwenker]

Always remember that

 - you, are someone’s weird coworker.

[mix4fix]

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!

Doctor: But that’s great!

Patient: But I wake up at 7:30!

[jschwenker]

Somebody was asking me the other day if I was going to retire from my career of flashing.

I said “Nah, I think I’ll stick it out for another year."

[mix4fix]

Some people have the audacity to call me a racist, when my wife is Mexican.

How can I be racist, when I am married to a lower race?

[Letitroll98]

I've reached the age where all the sounds I used to make during sex are now made getting out of a chair.

[jschwenker]

Six dwarfs were sitting in the bath feeling Happy.

 - so Happy got out.

[mix4fix]

Did you know they were going to make a sequel to the original GhostBusters movies back in the 80s? It would have been #3 with the original cast. But, they didn't get a green light on the project.

Because they yet again have no business in NYC, they end up traveling outside of NYC (and NY) to down south. One of their investigations introduces them to a friendly ghost, this Southern lady who haunts on this old, abandoned mansion on this historic plantation to prevent it from getting torn down. They end up not capturing her and convincing the county to save the property instead of tearing it down. They also unknowingly get information from her that ends up helping them when they discover the "dogs-n-cats living together" scenario that they stop at the end of the movie.

Out of all the actresses and celebrities who could do a Southern voice, Dolly Parton would have been the perfect voice of that lady.

The movie would have been called...










"BustGhosters"

[jschwenker]

Scientists have found that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.

Apparently, it’s a case of ‘in one ear and out the udder’.

[mix4fix]

I can't decide if I like Japanese food or Chinese food more.

It was a Thai.

[jschwenker]

I’ve trained my dog to go fetch me my favorite bottle of wine.

He’s a Bordeaux collie.

[Scroof Neachy]

[Tyson]

I knew they were a couple!

[sebrof]

I knew they were a couple!

A couple of what? 

[jschwenker]

Autocorrect is a Hugh paint in the asphalt.

I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

I hate the guy who invented audio carrot.

[R_burke]

Rest assured I've never said duck you

[jschwenker]

My friend’s wife rang him at the pub and said, "If you're not home in 10 minutes, I'm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”

He was home in 5 minutes.

He'd hate for anything to happen to the dog.

[mix4fix]

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”

I said, “Go on, then.”

He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

[jschwenker]

My friend’s husband has been missing for six days now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So she went to the thrift shop to get his clothes back.

[mix4fix]

What does a Star Trek species say after they assimilate people from Iceland?

"We are Bjork."