[dex67]

[mlundy57]

As I Get Older I Realize:

1.   I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.

2.   Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3.   I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4.   My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5.   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

6.   When I was a child, I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it’s like a mini-vacation.

7.   The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8.   Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9.   Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

10.  “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.

[brooklyn]

[Guy 13]

 

[mikeeastman]

 Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their priest if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the priest's desk and they just look at each other.
Finally, the Priest says, "Where is God?"
The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.
The priest begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.
The priest is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"
To the priest's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office.
The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "Boy are we in BIG TROUBLE NOW. God's missing and they think we had something to do with it!"

[JerryM]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

Mr. Thunderbrick went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.


'Brick: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.


Sergeant: What is her height?


'Brick: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.


Sergeant: Weight?


'Brick: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.


Sergeant: Color of eyes?


'Brick: Never noticed.


Sergeant: Color of hair?


'Brick: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.


Sergeant: What was she wearing?


'Brick: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.


Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?


'Brick: She went in my truck.


Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?


'Brick: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and embroidered floor mats that say “THUNDERBRICK”. Trailering package with gold hitch and those big fake "nuts" hanging from the hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Upgraded 14 speaker DynAudio sound system with 2000 watts. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point Mr. Brick started choking up.
 

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[JerryM]

[Bob in St. Louis]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.   

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'   

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.   

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.   

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'   

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.   

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.   

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'   
 

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'   

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[mikeeastman]

                   
 
                      WARNING!  Don’t die a virgin, the terrorist are up there waiting for you.

[JerryM]

[mikeeastman]

[jhm731]

[dex67]

[jhm731]

[mightym]

Cop:  You were swerving quite a bit there, I'm going to conduct a field sobriety test.

Motorist: OK

Cop: Let's go to Taco Bell.

Motorist: No Thanks

Cop: Do you wanna text your ex?

Motorist: No

Cop: Move along, you're Ok to go.

[mikeeastman]

[dex67]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat! After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted .

[I.Greyhound Fan]

 Here's one a buddy sent me-

 The following is a
>> question given, said to have appeared on a chemistry mid-term, and an
>> actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student
>> was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via
>> the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
>> enjoying it as
>> well:
>>

>> Bonus Question: Is Hell
>> exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?if the
>> students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
>> when it expands and heats when it is
>> compressed) or some variant.

>> One student, however,
>> wrote the following:

>> First, we need to know how
>> the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
>> which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
>> leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
>> once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
>> leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
>> different religions that exist in the world today.

>> Most of these religions
>> state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
>> Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
>> people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
>> all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can
>> expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
>> look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
>> states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
>> the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
>> are added.

>> This gives two
>> possibilities:

>> 1. If Hell is expanding at
>> a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
>> temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
>> loose.

> 2. If Hell is expanding at
>> a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
>> temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

>> So which is
>> it?

>> If we accept the postulate
>> given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a
>> cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the
>> fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true,
>> and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
>> over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
>> over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
>> therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
>> existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
>> kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

>> THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN
>> A+.

[FireGuy]