[charmerci]

A grasshopper goes into a bar, hops up on the counter and says to the bartender, "give me a drink."

The bartender says, "hey, there's a cocktail named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "you mean there's a drink called Bob?"

[mikeeastman]

I DID NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT LAS VEGAS 




Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

 





This is done by the chip monks.




You didn't even see it coming did you?




 


 

 

 

 

 

 
 


 
 
 
 
 

[RDavidson]

Damn funny as it hits home for me too.

Hey, whats with the peering eyeball in the bush?  (About two thirds of the way up on the right side of the frame)  CIA, NSA, or Homeland Security?

It's George "Bush." wah wah waaaahhhh

[decal]

An elderly couple, Ole and Lena, were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.





About halfway through the service Lena took a pen and paper out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to Ole.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Ole leaned over and whispered in her ear: "Yew need to put a new battery in yewr hearing aid."

[smargo]

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

[rodge827]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Ericus Rex]

Good thing I speak American

[mikeeastman]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.   
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.   
He replied in disgust, ‘I'd rather be savagely raped
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.’   
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
‘Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.’

[Bob in St. Louis]

[Speedskater]

On old days hard-drives. I remember back three decades ago, one of the R&D engineers having to write a full page memo to the company president justifying the need for a 15 meg hard-drive.

[Bob in St. Louis]

And now you can buy a 15 GIG SD card for $10. 

[charmerci]

• What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
  
• Mick Jagger says, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" A Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod! Get offa ma ewe!"

[Bob2]

Hey, McLeod! Get offa ma ewe

Had to laugh at that!

Scotland, where men are men and the sheep run scared....or so I was told.

[Ericus Rex]

On old days hard-drives. I remember back three decades ago, one of the R&D engineers having to write a full page memo to the company president justifying the need for a 15 meg hard-drive.

My father collects old PC/Mac stuff.  He's got one of the first 1 gig hard drives ever produced.  It's about the size of a VW Beetle engine!

[thunderbrick]

A guy gets it a terrible auto accident, and it's days before he begins to come out of the coma.  He's got wires, tubes, bruises and bandages all over him.

As he comes to the first thing he's aware of is a drop-dead gorgeous nurse standing near his bed.

She leans down and sympathetically says "I'm sorry, but it looks like you can't feel anything below the waist."

Still under the influence of his meds,  he ponders the news for a few moments, looks her in the eyes, and groggily says

"Well, can I at least feel your tits?"

[smargo]

3 women are waiting to be executed one is a brunette, one is a red head and one is a blonde.

The brunette is called up and the executer says do you have any last words and she says no. The executer then continues and says ready aim and the brunette shouts earthquake - everyone is startled and jumps to the floor while the brunette escapes.

Then the red head is called up and once again the executer shouts any last words and once again the red head replies no. So the executer shouts ready aim and the red head shouts tornado - everyone is scared and starts running around while the red head escapes.

By now the blonde understands what she has to do so when she gets called up and the executer asks her if she has any last words - she says no. Then once again the executer shouts ready aim and the brunette shouts FIRE!

[Russell Dawkins]

...the brunette shouts fire? Did you mean blonde?

[Guy 13]

Usually blondes do things like that !

[smargo]

...the brunette shouts fire? Did you mean blonde?

yes - of course - thanks for spotting it - you passed the quiz

[Russell Dawkins]

yes - of course - thanks for spotting it - you passed the quiz

I thought maybe the plot had a twist.