Joke of the Day

Don_S · « **Reply #2480 on:** 2 Jan 2019, 08:15 pm »

Quote from: Goosepond on 2 Jan 2019, 08:09 pm

??????????

Hint: The rock is a meteorite.

Goosepond · « **Reply #2481 on:** 2 Jan 2019, 08:34 pm »

So, you got it. Why didn't I???

I know, I know. I'm a dumb blonde!

Gene

JerryM · « **Reply #2482 on:** 9 Jan 2019, 02:37 am »

How old do you think Sean Connery was when he realized he should never again ask a girlfriend to sit on his face?

jhm731 · « **Reply #2483 on:** 10 Jan 2019, 05:15 am »

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2484 on:** 10 Jan 2019, 01:17 pm »

Quote from: jhm731 on 10 Jan 2019, 05:15 am

Ouch!

LesterSleepsIn · « **Reply #2485 on:** 10 Jan 2019, 01:18 pm »

charmerci · « **Reply #2486 on:** 11 Jan 2019, 08:06 pm »

Which reminds me...

What goes... "Tick, tick, tick..... mmmooooo!"

Wait for it.....

A bomb in a bull.

jhm731 · « **Reply #2487 on:** 12 Jan 2019, 09:50 pm »

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2488 on:** 13 Jan 2019, 12:41 am »

CONDOM FACTORY IN BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND BURNS DOWN
The largest condom factory in England burned down.
Theresa May was awakened at 4 a.m. by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour Ma'am, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Birmingham
has burned to the ground. It is estimated, the entire
English supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
May: - "Oh damn! The economy will never
be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.
We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some condoms in from France ..."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The French will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock... What about Ireland?
Theresa May: - "Okay, I'll call Leo and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick.
That way, they'll continue to respect us as Englishmen."
Three days later, a delighted Theresa May ran out to open
the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived.
She found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested.............all coloured green ,white and orange with small writing on each one:
MADE IN IRELAND Size: - SMALL

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #2489 on:** 13 Jan 2019, 07:16 am »

That one kind of reminds me of a joke I use to hear when I lived in Oklahoma. It dealt with the rivalry between Oklahoma and Texas-

What is the difference between an Oklahoma Cowboy and a Texas Cowboy?

A Texas Cowboy steps right up and puts it in. An Oklahoma Cowboy puts it in and steps right up!

It's always better to be a Cowboy from Oklahoma.

dbeau · « **Reply #2490 on:** 13 Jan 2019, 08:17 pm »

Another like the OK vs. Tx cowboy difference joke:
Difference is that in Oklahoma the bull shit is on the outside of the boots.

mix4fix · « **Reply #2491 on:** 14 Jan 2019, 04:49 am »

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,” I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

They got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine!!

The Little Bastards.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #2492 on:** 18 Jan 2019, 01:52 am »

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

JerryM · « **Reply #2493 on:** 18 Jan 2019, 01:54 am »

I.Greyhound Fan · « **Reply #2494 on:** 18 Jan 2019, 02:28 am »

Quote from: thunderbrick on 18 Jan 2019, 01:52 am

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

jhm731 · « **Reply #2495 on:** 18 Jan 2019, 11:42 pm »

Saturn94 · « **Reply #2496 on:** 19 Jan 2019, 12:09 am »

Quote from: jhm731 on 18 Jan 2019, 11:42 pm

And here we go....

stlrman · « **Reply #2497 on:** 19 Jan 2019, 03:48 pm »

That’s a pretty political joke . Remove it .

syzygy · « **Reply #2498 on:** 19 Jan 2019, 04:15 pm »

The razor for cowards - Chicken Schick

JerryM · « **Reply #2499 on:** 19 Jan 2019, 05:50 pm »

Quote from: stlrman on 19 Jan 2019, 03:48 pm

That’s a pretty political joke . Remove it .

stlrman: The posted cartoon does not relate to politics, nor does it violate the Circle Guidelines. I appreciate your attempt at a kind assist, though.

Please, folks, tread lightly on this one. There are literally thousands of forums where you can go to describe your thoughts/feelings about modern razor marketing. AudioCircle's Humour and Jokes thread is not one of them.

Thanks for your kind consideration,

Jerry