Joke of the Day

ted_b · « **Reply #420 on:** 24 Aug 2012, 01:28 pm »

The awesome power of a wife's love.

A very old man lay
dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of
his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands.

With labored breath,
he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not
for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out
on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the
edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

"Stay out of those,"
she said.
"They're for the funeral.

THE END

jhm731 · « **Reply #421 on:** 25 Aug 2012, 01:57 am »

rpf · « **Reply #422 on:** 25 Aug 2012, 02:32 am »

Those cartoons are funny!

JerryM · « **Reply #423 on:** 1 Sep 2012, 01:55 am »

I was in a pub last night and drank a few. I noticed two very large women by the bar, and they both had pretty strong accents, so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped, saying "It's WALES, you freakin' idiot!"

So, I immediately said "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

bhakti · « **Reply #424 on:** 1 Sep 2012, 03:09 am »

I like!!

doug s. · « **Reply #425 on:** 1 Sep 2012, 04:12 pm »

doug s.

JerryM · « **Reply #426 on:** 2 Sep 2012, 06:58 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #427 on:** 13 Sep 2012, 07:20 pm »

MrAcoustat · « **Reply #428 on:** 13 Sep 2012, 08:44 pm »

POLITICIANS are just like DIAPERS you must change them often and for the same reason.

Russell Dawkins · « **Reply #429 on:** 17 Sep 2012, 04:32 am »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75F3CSZcCFs

doug s. · « **Reply #430 on:** 22 Sep 2012, 03:20 pm »

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. Curious, the man stopped and went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something, she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the man.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."

"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running to me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said, getting a little annoyed at this point.

"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you don't want to eat him all at once."

doug s.

mboxler · « **Reply #431 on:** 22 Sep 2012, 04:38 pm »

Two men on the golf course follow two women who are playing slow. One of the men walks towards the women to ask if they can play through. About half way there he turns back and says to the other man, "I can't go up there and talk to them. One's my wife, the other my mistress!"

The other man replies, "No problem, I'll go and ask them."

When he was half way there he also turned back and said, "What a coincidence!"

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #432 on:** 22 Sep 2012, 04:50 pm »

Rs rs rs...great one, c'est la vie...

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #433 on:** 22 Sep 2012, 05:47 pm »

Quote from: jhm731 on 25 Aug 2012, 01:57 am

Iam sure that is my second ex-wife, always wanting a immediate response to anything...boring woman...

TrungT · « **Reply #434 on:** 27 Sep 2012, 05:31 pm »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRKIWfE6Fws&feature=player_embedded#!

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #435 on:** 27 Sep 2012, 11:41 pm »

- Father, my birthday is coming up, what will you give me?
- Hum, you remember that Ferrari we saw yesterday?
- Sure I remember. Will you give me that Ferrari?
- No, I will give you a cap that color ...

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #436 on:** 5 Oct 2012, 11:01 pm »

Meanwhile at the hospital
Doctor: Mr.Smith I have a very bad news about your mother.

Mr.Smith: She is not my mother, she is my mother in law.

Doctor: Then I have a very good news.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #437 on:** 5 Oct 2012, 11:07 pm »

jhm731 · « **Reply #438 on:** 9 Oct 2012, 05:34 pm »

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone And the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt Badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played Before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard One of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.

It's a man thing.

jhm731 · « **Reply #439 on:** 9 Oct 2012, 05:35 pm »

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..