[richidoo]

My son asked me what's it like to be married?
So I told him to leave me alone.
And when he did, I said why are you ignoring me?

[jschwenker]

When asked how he liked being tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail, the man said
“If it wasn’t for the honor of the thing, I’d rather walk.” - Abraham Lincoln

Cheers, John

[jschwenker]

My neighbor couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I got him a get well soon card.

Cheers, John

[jschwenker]

Saw a magician driving down the road.
He turned himself into a driveway.

Cheers, John

[Dick Hertz]

A woman goes into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she wants some cyanide. The pharmacist asks what for. The woman replies she wants to kill her husband. "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. We'd both go to jail!" Then the woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. She hands it to him and he looks at it for a minute. "Well that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

[mikeeastman]

 

[kd4ylq]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow, I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess I'd say you'd have to write your exam answers with your other hand."

[Audiovista]

 
       
             

[cementhead]

How does a pirate clean his ship?
With a treasure mop...
 

[Dick Hertz]

"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

[Dick Hertz]

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

[Dick Hertz]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

[Dick Hertz]

A ham sandwich goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here.

[charmerci]

How does a pirate clean his ship?
With a treasure mop...
 

That


is


the


worst


dad


joke


EVER!!!!          

[mix4fix]

That


is


the


worst


dad


joke


EVER!!!!          

This whole thread is full of the worst dad jokes ever. That's why it exists.

[mix4fix]

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

[kd4ylq]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. One day her husband came home unexpectedly early, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now had company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: $100.00
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: $500.00

Man: “Fine”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t - I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, $600.00”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge a person. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your sin.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!!”

[Audiovista]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. One day her husband came home unexpectedly early, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now had company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: $100.00
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: $500.00

Man: “Fine”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t - I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, $600.00”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge a person. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your sin.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!!”

I did not expect that ending

[richidoo]

Never laugh at your wife's choices.

You're one of them.

[jschwenker]

I could understand your anger with me.
But what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Cheers, John