Joke of the Day

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Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #80 on: 23 Feb 2010, 12:40 am »
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 
   
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." 
 
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. 
 
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
   
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #81 on: 24 Feb 2010, 01:39 am »
A NEW JERSEY LOVE STORY:

A young woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean ..

She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' 

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? 

Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life boat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.

'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me' 

'He certainly is', the Captain said.  'This is the Cape May Ferry!' 

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #82 on: 25 Feb 2010, 12:07 am »
From Andy Rooney (of 60 Minutes fame)

"As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here  are just a few reasons why:
 
A woman over 50  will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,  'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you  think.
 
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to  watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She does something she  wants to do, and it's usually more  interesting.
 
Women over 50 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera  or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if they think you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if  they think they can get away with it.
 
Older  women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They  know what it's like to be  unappreciated.
 
Women get psychic as they  age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over  50.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a  woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger  counterpart.
 
Older women are forthright and  honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to  wonder where you stand with her.
 
Yes, we  praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning,  smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize.
 
For all those men who say, 'Why  buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?  Here's an  update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against  marriage.  Why?  Because women  realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get  a little sausage!"
 

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #83 on: 25 Feb 2010, 12:13 am »
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #84 on: 25 Feb 2010, 12:20 am »
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

chuckb

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #85 on: 25 Feb 2010, 05:36 pm »
A husband whose wife went missing for a few days called the police to look for her.

A policeman knocked on his door a week later and said "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news."

Taken aback, the husband asked for the bad news first.

"Well sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you your wife is dead.  We recovered her body from the bay this morning, she drowned."

"Oh my God," the husband said, "this is terrible!"  Once he recovered from the initial shock, he had the presence of mind to ask "Well, what's the good news?"

The policemand replied "When we pulled her out of the bay, she had twelve of the biggest lobsters attached to her that we had ever seen.  We cooked them and they were delicious!"

"That's disgusting!" the husband said "I'm afraid to ask what the really great news is."

"We're going to pull her out again tomorrow!"



Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #86 on: 26 Feb 2010, 01:05 am »
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
 
1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.
 
2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?
 
1st woman:    I froze to death.
 
2nd woman:   How horrible!
 
1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit  shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
 
2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman:    So, what happened?
 
2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer...we'd both still be alive.

Mariusz

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #87 on: 27 Feb 2010, 05:16 pm »
A husband and wife decided they needed to use ‘code’
to indicate that they wanted to have sex without
letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter,

‘Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter’. 

The child told her mother what her dad said,
and her mom responded,

 
‘Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now
cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.’

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
 
A few days later the mom told the daughter,

 ‘Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.’ 

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,

 ‘Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand.’



 

Mariusz

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #88 on: 27 Feb 2010, 06:21 pm »
ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be ‘playing hard to get’.
INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Mariusz

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #89 on: 27 Feb 2010, 06:46 pm »
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. 
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.   
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.   
He replied in disgust, ‘I'd rather be savagely raped 
by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.’   
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 
‘Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice.’



Mariusz

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #90 on: 28 Feb 2010, 04:14 am »
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. 

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.' 

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?' She says, 'A hundred dollars.' 

He says, 'All I got is thirty'. She says, 'Hold on,' and runs back to Harry and asks, 'What can he get for thirty?' 

'A hand job', Harry replies. 

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ...... 

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.' She runs back to Harry, and asks, 'Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?'

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #91 on: 1 Mar 2010, 04:13 am »
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race...

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.  The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By now, Mitch was pulling in some serious money.  By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded,  "Father! What happened?  All day long you blessed horses and they all won.  Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.  Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!"

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.  "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."

BobM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #92 on: 1 Mar 2010, 03:32 pm »
For every wacky invention there will always be someone who says it increases soundstage depth, or gives you blacker backgrounds, etc. Here's one for some of you to try out. Please post your findings ...  :icon_lol:


Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #93 on: 2 Mar 2010, 12:19 am »
A koala was sitting in a gum tree  smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Daaaamn, dude...How much water did you drink!?'

thunderbrick

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #94 on: 2 Mar 2010, 02:05 am »
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

Yea, and it was so.


srb

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #95 on: 2 Mar 2010, 02:30 am »
It sounds like you may have climbed up the tree with the koala and the lizzard.
 
Steve

mfsoa

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #96 on: 2 Mar 2010, 02:48 am »
My friend, a bass player told me one, see if I can tell it OK:

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor, since their marriage was on the rocks and they wanted to give it one more try.

As they sit in his office, he can't get them to say a word - Just icy stares.

He asks the standard relationship questions etc. but still nothing.

Then, the counselor reaches behind his desk and pulls out an electric bass.

Just as he starts playing, the man and wife finally open up. They talk about their feelings, pain, expectations for the future - It turns

out to be a great session and they are amazed that the counselor was able to get them to really communicate after all these years.

"Easy" he says, "Everyone always talks during the bass solo"

-Mike

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #97 on: 4 Mar 2010, 02:14 am »
POWER  OUTAGE

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your  Honour," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?  My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4�?� pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
 
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'.

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #98 on: 5 Mar 2010, 07:01 pm »
A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.

The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"

Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?" Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."

"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?"

Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Len_Dreyer

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #99 on: 5 Mar 2010, 07:12 pm »
A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY
 
This happened a while ago in Belfast , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
 
John Bradford, a 20 yr old Queen's University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
 
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door....only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
 
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
 
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
 
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
 
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
 
Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
 
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy...there's that crazy idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it.'