[Len_Dreyer]

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried ... and this time, she & John had 5 more children. John passed away in his sleep.

Judy finally died quietly, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel."

[Len_Dreyer]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs some new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES!  I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the  dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she  roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't  know - I thought you were watching.'

[Ruby Mae]

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit....

 A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks.

"Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies,

"Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

[turkey]

A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.
"What's the matter, son?" asked his mammy.
"We were doing sums today, Mammy," he said.
"And were they too hard?"
"Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three."

[Len_Dreyer]

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.  Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
 

[Ruby Mae]

that made me laugh out loud Len! 

[Audiovista]

A classified ad:

Selling a house on the mudslide. Low mileage.

[Ruby Mae]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:



30% of women think their ass is too fat.............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny..........
 



The remaining 60% say they don't care,they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world. 
 

[TrungT]

7 Degrees of Blond

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the
coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[Ruby Mae]

7 Degrees of Blond

 

[Len_Dreyer]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after-life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. "Sally... Sally..."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No........I'm a fricken rabbit in Arizona!"

[Len_Dreyer]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,   "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F means 'Thank God, It's Friday'. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday', duuhhh."

[TrungT]

How to tell if you married a Texas Girl

The first man married a woman from North Carolina. He told her she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Florida. He gave his wife orders she was to
do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his
house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the
table.

The third man married a girl from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep
the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on
the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher.

[Len_Dreyer]

A husband asks his wife,'You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?'

'I clean the toilet,' she replies.

'How does that help?' he asks.

'I use your toothbrush.'

[Wind Chaser]

Saw these posted elsewhere...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'

He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

[thunderbrick]

A group of country friends wanted to
get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
       
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, “No mushrooms, they are too high.”
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'
So, Janet decided to give it a try She picked a bunch,
washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ole' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ole' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and
the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided
to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper
lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy
little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and
played a few games.
About then, the helper lady from
town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs Williams, Ole' Spot just died'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she
called the  doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said,
'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance
and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we
will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
       
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming
down the road.
The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a
stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor
came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.'
Then he left.
       
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room,
and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,
'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped.

[Len_Dreyer]

"FATHER OF THE YEAR"   

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"   

He replied,  "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."   

[Len_Dreyer]

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development.


1.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
4.  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"  The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
 
5.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
6.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
7.  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in   Egypt  and is named "Ahmal."  The other goes to a family in   Spain  ; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
8.  A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
 
9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him ... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
10.  And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

[ArthurDent]

Thanks Len, need all the laughs I can get at the moment. 

[Len_Dreyer]

Thanks Len, need all the laughs I can get at the moment. 

Arthur, hope it gets better for you soon.