[Bob in St. Louis]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

 

[jaywills]

The Redneck and the Gorilla

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.  Within a few weeks,
the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park
veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was
no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.  Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:

1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."  The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."  The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.

Enjoy.  Cordially,

[Bob in St. Louis]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________ _____________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_______________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

[ZLS]

   That is fall down and roll around hilarious!!  It could only have been better if we could have seen the expressions of the people's face!

[jimdgoulding]

Having dinner with my brother in law and his wife this weekend.  He'll love these.  He's an attorney.

[Bob in St. Louis]

 
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to sh!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and
lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the market; a local Safeway grocery store that I
often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at
the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh. Mistake!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Save on Foods. I can't say anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have
to repaint the store.

[Bob in St. Louis]

> KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA   
>
>
> 1) This is a picture of an octopus.
> It has eight testicles.
> (Kelly, age 6)
>
> 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
> (James, age 6)
>
> 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.
> If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
> (Wayne, age 7)
>
> 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
> Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
> (Kylie, age 6)
>
> 5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
> (Billy, age 8 )
>
> 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
> (Millie, age 6)
>
> 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
> ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
> make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
> eating beans.
> (William, age 7)
>
> 8 ) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And
> how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
> (Helen, age 6)
>
> 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
> screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
> sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write
> (Amy, age 6)
>
> 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
> you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
> have to plug themselves into chargers.
> (Christopher, age 7)
>
> 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
> willy small..
> (Kevin, age 6)
>
> 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
> go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
> (Becky, age 8 )
>
> 13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
> very fast.  She says she won't do it again because water fired right up
> her fat ass.
> (Julie, age 7)

[Bob in St. Louis]

Five Minute Management Course,
 
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
 When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
 After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 
 The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
 When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 
 Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 
 
 
Lesson 2:
A priest and a nun ...............
Um...Never mind. We won't have a "Lesson #2"  
 
 
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' say's the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
 
Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 
Lesson 5:
 A turkey was chatting with a bull.
 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
    friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
    your mouth shut!


      THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

 

[Martyn]

An Englishman, An Irishman, and a Scotsman are reminiscing about their home towns and favourite pubs.

"The pub in the village where I come from is truly exceptional" says the Englishman. "On Sunday evenings the landlord gives all the regulars a free pint."

"Where I come from," says the Scotsman, "if you drink four pints you get one free, whatever the day of the week."

"Dat's nothin", says the Irishman. "There's a pub in Dublin where all the drinks are free. You can drink as much as you like and when you can't drink another drop, they take you upstairs and you get laid. And it's all free!"

The Englishman and the Scotsman look at each other in disbelief. "Have you actually been to this pub?" asks the Englishman.

"No," says the Irishman, but me sister has."

[BrassEar]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes . 
 
After a few days they meet again.....
 
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.  My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?' 

[Bob in St. Louis]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it  over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands  them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies  and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled  vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?'  he asks.

'Helllooooooo!! !!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[ted_b]

HER DIARY/HIS DIARY

HER DIARY

 Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no  comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
 HIS DIARY

 I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got
 laid.





++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Golfing with his buddies."

[ted_b]

DINNER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS

 A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that  after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

 * * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,  with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 * * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[ted_b]

THE  WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"


The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.


THE  END

[Bob in St. Louis]

  Good one(s) Ted! 

[Bob in St. Louis]

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

[JP78]

more jokes! there are some good ones here .

[lonewolfny42]

Ouch !!!

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test ! ....

[ZLS]

Mickey Mouse is suing Minnie Mouse for a Divorce.  Needless to say the courtroom is packed as Mickey's lawyer stands up to make his opening statement;

    "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Minnie Mouse is clinically insane" It is at this point that Mickey Mouse  jumped up and yelled, " No, no, no I said she was f*#king Goofy!!"

[Bob in St. Louis]

Sometimes it does NOT pay to be curious!


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the 
patients were shouting '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the 
planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.

         
Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'