[Len_Dreyer]

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
   A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?.
   You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[TrungT]

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
   A crazy bitch who WILL find you!
 

[I.Greyhound Fan]

There was a husband and his wife sitting on the sofa and watching TV.  They were watching a show on psychology and they were talking about mixed emotions.  So the husband turns to his wife and says "honey, thats a bunch of crap.  I bet that there is not one thing that you can say to me that will make me feel both happy and sad at the same time".  His wife replies, "honey, out of all your freinds, you have the biggest penis"!

[Len_Dreyer]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order  'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with 'THE' exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning  the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
 
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' 

[Len_Dreyer]

Blonde Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde-Guy were doing Construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said: 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'

[jhm731]

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[Ruby Mae]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.  You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops." 

[TrungT]

Ruby Mae
"We're getting granite countertops."
 
And my dream went up a smoke 

[Ruby Mae]

Ruby Mae
"We're getting granite countertops."
 
And my dream went up a smoke 

 

[mightym]

 
BLIND COWBOY
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
 
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
 
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
 
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
 
considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:
 
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black  belt in karate.
 
4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
 
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
 
 

 
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[doug s.]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.  You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops." 

thanks to god my wife appreciates hard-as-granite, and no, i am not referring to counter-tops...   

doug s.

[Ruby Mae]

thanks to god my wife appreciates hard-as-granite, and no, i am not referring to counter-tops...   

doug s.

  we're not all b*tches 

[Scottdazzle]

thanks to god my wife appreciates hard-as-granite, and no, i am not referring to counter-tops...   

doug s.

My wife????!!!

Did you get married?  Congratulations!!!

Scott

[doug s.]

  we're not all b*tches 

nope, some of you appreciate home audio!    among other things...   

doug s.

[doug s.]

My wife????!!!

Did you get married?  Congratulations!!!

Scott

hey scott, thanks!  yes, sidonie and i are no longer living in sin!   

doug s.

[Scottdazzle]

Congrats in a big way!  You are one lucky guy!  I look forward to seeing you and Sidonie again.

[doug s.]

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the man.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."

"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.

"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you don't want to eat him all at once."

doug s.

[doug s.]

Congrats in a big way!  You are one lucky guy!  I look forward to seeing you and Sidonie again.

thanks!  yes, the second time is a charm!   

maybe we'll see you at the capitol audio fest in rockville, in june...  i wish we lived in something more conducive to having company than a one room studio apartment; it would be nice to be able to have a listening session here...

doug s.

[doug s.]

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Valentines.  After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "Wait a minute, I thought you told me before that she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?"
"Well she did," he replied... "But just where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?!"

doug s.

[rpf]

So many great jokes on this thread. I posted this one a while back on the old Sports Bar: it's still my favorite. 


A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"