You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
QuoteYou have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
This was scary experiencing it for the first time :D
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up any longer?wow! along those lines:
It was two(too) tired.
A man walks into his urologist's office.
"I've got good news, and I've got bad news for you. Which would you like first?", says the doc.
"The good news", says the man.
"Your penis is soon going to grow to twice its ordinary length and girth", replies the doctor.
"That's fantastic, doc! What's the bad news?", says the man.
"It's malignant". :cry:
A guy from New Orleans dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life.The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the guy from New Orleans is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The guy from New Orleans with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in New Orleans. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from New Orleans. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from New Orleans is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.The guy from New Orleans replies, "This is great! Just like April in New Orleans . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from New Orleans suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from New Orleans unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The guy from New Orleans is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down, the guy from New Orleans throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Saints won the Super Bowl.
Why I fired my Secretary...........
Yesterday was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
'Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
S0 What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously...
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day....
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
0K
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ........
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife: Honey, I think I'm going to do it. I want bigger boobs. I want $5000 to get a boob job.
Husband: We don't have $5000 to spend on boobs right now, why don't you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs 2-3 times a day.
Wife: Toilet paper? Why will that make my boobs bigger?
Husband: Beats me, but look what it has done for your a$$ over the years!! :lol:
How can you tell a vinyl-lover has been in your backyard?
Your dog is pregnant, and somebody ate your garbage. :icon_lol:
I don't get it?
It must be Make Fun of Vinyl Lovers Day.
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. ;
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for tw o years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Thanks for the ride in the time machine, Len! I can just see their faces when they said those lines. Paul Lynde was wicked funny on that show.
(http://co101w.col101.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.33.103/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dfa804ad4-fc6e-405b-8b6e-2979db3f841d.jpeg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26name%3dQVRUMDAwMDEuanBlZw_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a2.3027937945%2540web63302.mail.re1.yahoo.com%26msgHash%3dffffffffffffffff&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.128.8&d=d904&mf=2&a=01_0b590aaade5e800af268d347750ab151eca93264be20cd9ce2166e583b18cfe9)
7 Degrees of Blond
Thanks Len, need all the laughs I can get at the moment. :thumb:
Ruby Mae
"We're getting granite countertops."
:thumb:
And my dream went up a smoke :wink:
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."thanks to god my wife appreciates hard-as-granite, and no, i am not referring to counter-tops... 8)
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops." :lol:
thanks to god my wife appreciates hard-as-granite, and no, i am not referring to counter-tops... 8)
doug s.
thanks to god my wife appreciates hard-as-granite, and no, i am not referring to counter-tops... 8)
doug s.
nope, some of you appreciate home audio! :thumb: among other things... :lol:
:thumb: we're not all b*tches :wink:
My wife????!!!hey scott, thanks! yes, sidonie and i are no longer living in sin! :wink:
Did you get married? Congratulations!!!
Scott
Congrats in a big way! You are one lucky guy! I look forward to seeing you and Sidonie again.thanks! yes, the second time is a charm! :thumb:
I grew up playing the accordion ... polka's, 40's-50's pop music, some ragtime, etc. So I'm effectively making fun of myself. :|:thumb:
I grew up playing the accordion ... polka's, 40's-50's pop music, some ragtime, etc. So I'm effectively making fun of myself. :|
I don't do that to friends :nono: :eyebrows:
silly goose...it would be fun :thumb:
Accordion-playing can be fun, or it can be really awful.
Are you willing to risk it? :)
Well I don't own an accordion anymore and consequently I haven't played one for many years, but I would be willing to give it a shot if someone brings one along. The piano style keyboard, not the buttons.
You asked for it, you got it (Toyota).
I grew up playing the accordion ... polka's, 40's-50's pop music, some ragtime, etc. So I'm effectively making fun of myself. :|
If you were around in 1919, and saw this poster, would you stop drinking, or start?
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=28856)
:rotflmao:
i thought it was funny too :D (probably politically incorrect to state that openly as a woman :lol:)this is a true story - a few years back, the washington post interwiewed an old couple celebrating their 75th wedding anniwersary; there was a cute pic of them sitting on a double-porch-swing holding hands. the reporter asked the man what their secret was, to such a long marriage. he replied that, when they were younger and he was working, he was a traveling salesman, on the road and away from home a lot. then, after he retired, he lost his hearing... 8)
this is a true story - a few years back, the washington post interwiewed an old couple celebrating their 75th wedding anniwersary; there was a cute pic of them sitting on a double-porch-swing holding hands. the reporter asked the man what their secret was, to such a long marriage. he replied that, when they were younger and he was working, he was a traveling salesman, on the road and away from home a lot. then, after he retired, he lost his hearing... 8)
doug s.
Here's a couple of cute ones, one in line with the previous posting, and a Blonde joke I like......
You must really like that Blonde joke! You told it on page 8, post #149!
Steve
That's great!
I would like to know if it's really true and if so, meet her. :thumb: :thumb:
BobM told same joke on this thread.
BobM told same joke on this thread.
Yes, but for some reason BobM's "short" case of Budweiser only contained 18 cans.
Steve
Yes, but for some reason BobM's "short" case of Budweiser only contained 18 cans.
Steve
I think the crux of the joke is that he's drinking Budweiser, right?
Based on that, if you tell the joke using Keystone Light, your case would probably be best to only contain 13 beers.
I think most jokes involve bad beer just because its funny in and of itself that people insist that "budweiser" "coors" etc are "the best." If they told the joke with Guinness for example, it just wouldn't be very funny, because you would now be thinking of someone with decent taste, not some "stereotypical" bud drinker, who has to down 12 before he's even halfway to being lit.
If you're going to post a comment at least attach something humerous to it to keep the thread on topic.
I think the crux of the joke is that he's drinking Budweiser, right?
Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Remember this one.... :lol:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ho2QTjp6xVs
A man with Alzheimers walks into a bar, sits down next to a pretty woman and says "Do I come here often"?
What's the difference between a Martian baby and a used Kleenex? A used Kleenex is better behaved!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZf7erAcuKA&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZf7erAcuKA&feature=player_embedded)
Page 5...ok, Irish variation...we'll let you go this time with a warning :)
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg745773#msg745773
A monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, says "Make me one with everything".
Thanks, the guy who sent it to me is Irish. I didn't know they were into recycling.;-)
PS- when are you going to post some pictures of your new diffuser?
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At first you are happy with two hearts and a diamond.
Later, all you want is a frickin club and a spade!!
BEST...THREAD...EVER !
Arguably, it might be. :thumb:
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros; he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin' wife!”
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke:thumb:
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
Here's one that might be good for the kids;
A turtle calls 911 to report a crime. The cops get there and ask him what happened.
Turtle: I was robbed
Cops: Did you get a good look at 'em?
Turtle: Yeah, it was a gang of snails
Cops: Snails?? OK, what can you tell me about what happened?
Turtle, looking confused: I don't know, it all happened so fast...
http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
if you want some laughs, check out these maps... :green:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/alphadesigner/sets/72157622413981190/
doug s.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
"DAM"
I think the above post pretty much violates the no politics rule on several levels.
Don't know whether I should LMFAO or salute the woman's calm sense of creativity and planning.
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/529970_10151087351105889_1531859587_n.jpg)Iam sure that is my second ex-wife, always wanting a immediate response to anything...boring woman...
There were two friends and one said to the other,you know mr x passed away, will you go to his funeral,and then the other replies,why go, he wont come to mine...
:)
I don't get the second one.
An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.
"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."
He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.
"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."
He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.
"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"
The penis enlarger is a 21 year old named Kathy (not his wife).
reminds me of what i thought was the funniest scene in the simpson's movie - when everyone thought the end of the world was coming, the church emptied out and everyone ran to the bar across the street, while simultaneously, everyone in the bar was fleeing and running to the church... 8)
doug s.
Reminds me of an old joke (I grew up in a strict protestant family). What is the optimal number of Christians (fill in your favorite denomination here) to take fishing? 2. If you take one he/she will drink all your beer, take two and they will drink none.
Can't be. No one can be so dumb.
DUMB CROOK NEWS
Not a joke, but still funny.Disguised porn is revolting, most children see it everyday.
Parental advisory, as seen on the Bassocontinuo website............
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=74899)
I agree odd sign , did you see it in a sears or something?
Disguised porn is revolting, most children see it everyday.
I never mention Iam lost in translation pal, I have been suggested as such by you.
Disguised porn, are you that out of touch with reality? Maybe it's another case of "lost in translation" as is often the case with you.
I'm with you Full.
I'm kinda upset that we don't have more "women's legs exposed disguised as fashion show or TV gym class or walk at the mall in short dressing". All this cold weather up here has restricted the scenery severely, com'on June!
FRM is however allowed to be conservative, there's no law against that either. But considering my problem and his viewpoint, he might consider a move to arctic climes where everyone has to dress warmly, and fully, all the year long. :thumb:
My son is a personal trainer, here one of his clients who's been preparing for an upcoming fitness show:
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/532017_483638771683836_751713204_n.jpg)
I'm kinda upset that we don't have more "women's legs exposed disguised as fashion show or TV gym class or walk at the mall in short dressing". All this cold weather up here has restricted the scenery severely, com'on June!Out of topic, but I was talking about my country not someone country, as here we are in a overwhelming hot summer this year.
FRM is however allowed to be conservative, there's no law against that either. But considering my problem and his viewpoint, he might consider a move to arctic climes where everyone has to dress warmly, and fully, all the year long. :thumb:
Doesn't that belong in the DIY circle? :lol:
Saw this over on AudioGon, funny stuff. Check quotes for the (http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=75328) factor.Hi all Audio Circle members and bullshitter !
The Bla Bla Meter (http://www.blablameter.com/)
Hi all Audio Circle members and bullshitters !
Guy 13
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars. 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
'What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.'
the 1st time i heard this joke, it was holmes & watson...
doug s.
Same here, doug s. Heard it about 15 years ago while in business in South Africa and it stayed in my memory as a true classic. In that version Holmes and Watson are camping in the English country side. Holmes wakes up and, then, proceeds to wake up Watson while saying "Dear Dr. Watson, look up, what do you see?" "The sky, Mr. Holmes" he replies. Holmes, then, in his traditional logic-based quering manner, asks "My dear Dr., what conclusion does you draw from it?" Watson replies with a string of scientific, philosofical, and theological considerations which Holmes interrupts with the famous punch line " My dear Dr. Watson, it simply means that someone stole our tent!!"
Mario
The punch line should read, " Elementary my dear Dr. Watson, it simply means that someone stole our tent!!"
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?"
"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck!"
"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
How many audiophiles does it takes to change a light-bulb?
-One to tell all the others that they should be using HIS light bulb, which blows away all the competition. Worth fifteen times the price he paid, the light caused him to deposit his jaw somewhere in the room where he first witnessed the light of this amazing bulb. He also requests if anyone should find his jaw that he would be grateful for its prompt return as he hasn’t been able to eat any solid food ever since.
-Three to argue about bulb’s placement in the room for maximum light dispersion.
-Six to insist that the bulb would render superior light if powered by the Phallic Serpent $2500 power cord.
-Two to insist that light bulbs are old technology and introduce distortion into the spectrum of light.
-Four to declare that a light bulb is no substitute for “real” light, and to greater appreciate the light the bulb provides one must also go out and absorb as much “real” light as possible.
-Three to ask why there are so many used light bulbs on the market.
-Two to suggest a power regenerator may stabilize the bulb’s output and provide for greater enjoyment of the light eminating from it.
-Twelve to argue the chain of hierarchy in delivery of the optimum output of light from the bulb.
-One to design a custom stabilizing harness for the bulb, fabricated from polished steel and burled Bubinga wood to assure the bulb will be held in place and be immune to all vibrations…. in great style. Filled with lead shot, of course.
-Four to suggest doing several A/B/A comparisons of different bulbs before deciding upon one.
-Six to quote the recent bulb shootout in The Absolute Light that declared that Home Depot bulbs are every bit as good as NOS GE bulbs.
-Three to decry that it’s all snake oil, and point out that the rest of the bunch are all whackos and the world is coming to an end anyway.
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=79619)
Homesick Snowbird-:lol: :lol: :lol:
I was in Ft. Myers, Florida, the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I MISS CHICAGO"
So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker, and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"
For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalizedmarijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
Am I allowed to pick one or the other?
That was my bad. I shouldn't have opened that can.Not your falt at all. I will delete it.
So back to he humor and jokes.
Pointing to my own self:
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Hoover has the Dirtbag on the Inside!
Paul calls into work and says,
" I'm sorry, I can't come to work today, I'm really sick.
I have a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I'm not coming in."
The design manager says, " You know something Paul, we really need you today.
When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later, Paul calls again. "I did what you said and I feel great. I'll be at work soon.
You have a really nice house...!"
If you've spent any amount of time married, you may find this humorous. :thumb:
http://vimeo.com/m/66753575
Now is it a good idea to show this to the little women???
With 31 pages, I appologize if this is a repeat.
If you've spent any amount of time married, you may find this humorous. :thumb:
http://vimeo.com/m/66753575
There are three kinds of people in this world 1: Optimist- the glass is half full 2: Pessimist- the glass is half empty 3: Pragmatist- Hey there's room for Vodka!
THE DEAD COW LECTURE
This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Hi decal and all Audio Circle members.
I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable Nature shot that I’ve ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!
http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
Just a little Halloween jab at our good friends from "next door" . . .
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=89080)
The brain is the most fantastic organ of the human being, it works 24h a day, 365 days a year from his birth until the moment you fall in love!
Hi FULLRANGMAN and all Audio Circle members.Wow third wedding, you seems to be a friendly person.
I would not say that the brain stop working as soon as you get married,
however, once you get married it start working erratically and irrationally.
I should know, it`s my third marriage. :lol: :cry:
Guy 13
Wow third wedding, you seems to be a friendly person.
I cant say what to do better.
So Decal which one is you. LOL
Was that one of your audiophile buddies, Bob?Should I name names? :icon_twisted:
Sports quotes:
> "I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."
> -- Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
Hey everyone, don't forget about the bunnies.
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6nmOUbNDIH8/TO20mRytRmI/AAAAAAAAAeU/Am8tvkn7NNY/s1600/thanksbunny.jpgl)
Two cannibals were eating their victim
Two cannibal kids were fighting over dinner.
Bear interupts photo shoot.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0
I apologize if I somehow offended any cannibals in any way. :o
Yea, but then there was the story about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest... :thumb:
Yea, but then there was the story about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest
You don't need to understand Chinese:I think the joke's on us. Are we to believe an elephant has a transit time (ingestion to elimination) of minutes?
http://www.ubergizmo.com/2012/12/elephant-eats-chinese-tourists-iphone-in-thailand-park/
You don't need to understand Chinese:Wow, what a beautiful language, these girls talk sound like music.
http://www.ubergizmo.com/2012/12/elephant-eats-chinese-tourists-iphone-in-thailand-park/
You don't need to understand Chinese:
http://www.ubergizmo.com/2012/12/elephant-eats-chinese-tourists-iphone-in-thailand-park/
The Obamacare Website is now fully functional. Click here (http://home.roadrunner.com/~pjrpole/ACA.html) then click on "Apply Now!".
The Obamacare Website is now fully functional. Click here (http://home.roadrunner.com/~pjrpole/ACA.html) then click on "Apply Now!".
"...I'm in the bar right next to it."
Wife's First Hunt…
My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him thisyear.
I Couldn't believe it...the first time ever!
I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me!
And being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an
an opening day present.
He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'.
I'm so fortunate to be married to him.
I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=91616)
I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat
2 condoms were walking down the street when the come upon a gay bar. One condom looks at the other and says "do you want to go inside and get shit faced?"
I am sorry if I offended any one here with this joke.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
An Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
A Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘These are bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’
And So The Season Begins …
A man carrying a pig walks into his bedroom where his wife is resting and says "Here's the fat pig that I have been sleeping with". His wife then looks up at him and says "you've been sleeping with that pig?" The man replies "shut up, I wasn't talking to you".
So there is this Walrus driving down the road in his car when he see's steam coming from under the hood. So he drives to the nearest service station and the mechanic says we can take a look at the car and probably have if fixed in an hour or 2. He says to the Walrus, "why don't you go across the street and have lunch at the diner while we fix your car". The walrus says "thats a great idea" and he heads to the diner. After finishing his sandwich and ice cream he heads back to the service station and asks the manager "how's the car?" The service manager says "it looks like you blew a seal". The walrus then wipes something off his face and tastes it and says, "Oh that, that is just the vanilla ice cream that I had for lunch! :oops:
I could read it just fine. I'm fluent in SEC athletics.:lol: :lol: Good one thunderbrick, I burst out on that one.
I could read it just fine. I'm fluent in SEC athletics.
:rotflmao: GO Noles !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could read that, but one word had me baffled. I have a ???? mind?
Let me be the first to accept your offer of giving away your system
for free. :lol: Oh, that isn't what it said? My bad. :oops:
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" ... "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."
That night the kid and old man come walking up the street dragging 30 cats . . .
I commend your work ethic Bob, that's a lot of effort for that punchline. :lol:I agree - that's a dedicated comic for you.
As a former Georgian and UGA graduate I have to say I'm deeply offended by your callous, insensitive joke. In the future, please be sure to direct the brunt of these types of jokes to deserving Alabama residents. :lol:
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman.
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must
be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender packs it into the jar. "OK,"
the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks,"Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands
and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks,
but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and
soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pitbull
yelping and then. .silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.
"Now," he says. "where zat woman with the sore tooth?"
Fishing with a hand grenade.
1. Pull the pin.
2. Throw it far from the boat.
3. Net the stunned and dead fish.
These guys forgot step 2:
http://dragonlaffs.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/14.gif
Circuit Diagram
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/circuit_diagram.png)
That's 'cause it got blowed off!
It looks like it was photo-shopped. Look at the guy in the foreground. His head disappears when the explosion occurs.
That's 'cause it got blowed off!
Too late!!!
I was in my favorite restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass some gas... The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music... After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to that damn iPod my son gave me.
:o
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
I don't know where the expression originated or where it's in common use, but in my youth that was called "driving the porcelain bus."And in my youth what you did into it was called a technicolor yawn.
And in my youth what you did into it was called a technicolor yawn.:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I will consider those today's jokes as my birthday gift.
Less than one year ruleDoes that mean I get a spankin'? :eyebrows: :eyebrows:
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=72917.msg1245737#msg1245737
Does that mean I get a spankin'? :eyebrows: :eyebrows:Business before pleasure.
A widower is depressed over the prospects of having to spend his fast approaching 90th birthday alone. To cheer him up, several friends contact an escort service to arrange for a surprise gift: female companionship for the evening. On the night of his birthday the man answers a knock on his door to find a startlingly beautiful and scantily dressed young woman standing on his doorstep. "Happy Birthday handsome! I'm your gift and I'm here to offer you Super Sex". The shocked gentleman takes a few minutes to recover before responding, "Well, in that case young lady, I'm afraid I'll have to take the soup"
:lol:
It's gonna' be great :thumb:
I can visualize your use of hand gestures..... (http://www.maanclan.com/images/smilies/smiley_fingerinhole.gif)
If you buy stuff on Ebay, check out the seller carefully..
A friend of mine has just spent $95.00, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight.."
Why all CAPS? It only makes it harder to read.
I'm sorry, that's the way my friend sent it to me.....he's old.
Why all CAPS? It only makes it harder to read.
(http://positivedoggie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/33983_401285186633387_581795415_n.jpg)
Hey, whats with the peering eyeball in the bush? (About two thirds of the way up on the right side of the frame) CIA, NSA, or Homeland Security?Good eye Jake! But I dont know. Your theorys sound pretty good since we're talking about online security. :lol:
Damn funny as it hits home for me too.
Hey, whats with the peering eyeball in the bush? (About two thirds of the way up on the right side of the frame) CIA, NSA, or Homeland Security?
Hey, McLeod! Get offa ma ewe
On old days hard-drives. I remember back three decades ago, one of the R&D engineers having to write a full page memo to the company president justifying the need for a 15 meg hard-drive.
...the brunette shouts fire? Did you mean blonde?
yes - of course - thanks for spotting it - you passed the quizI thought maybe the plot had a twist.
What's long, hard and smells like pork?Pork sausage !
I figured the brunette had a grudge against the blonde and was standing in the crowd while the blonde was up for execution. :icon_twisted:That's what I was thinking, which actually makes the joke funnier in my opinion. :lol:
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password
USER: “cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: “boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: “1 boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password
USER: “cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: “boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: “1 boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
Back before the computers at work were connected to the internet, some of us had our passwords hidden in photos on our desk. Like a photo of their sailboat with it's name painted on the transom. Things were simpler then.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password
USER: “cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: “boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: “1 boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
I emailed that to a friend who's pretty picky about his jokes - it got under his skin.
He had his wife read it too and determined thereby which type she might be...
Cheers, John
He might like this one:
There are exactly threee erors in this sentence. :D
Not really jokes, but dayum funny.....
Via my FIL, uttered by SC Highway Patrol.....
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center )
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
My personal favorite.....
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=103491)
Hi all.Me too Guy :lol:
This is my joke of the day.
I find this very funny.
Guy 13
This isn't really a "joke", but it is humorous to watch.
Not for kids though, as the language is a bit strong.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VXQltHSkyY
Is YouTube available there?
Some might call that "ghetto".....a way of life in some urban areas.
And yes, the kids will grow up to talk and act just like her.
'Puce' isn't a color is it? I mean, that's a joke, right?
All the above was Bible except for:
"1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us"
Young bloods pay attention here. If asked that question the correct answer is "No, not at all". It's quick and painless and you'll get beaucoup 'Get out of Jail' points. It's an investment that will pay off later. Trust me. And one other thing, 'Puce' isn't a color is it? I mean, that's a joke, right?
, then the right response is "love you as you are, but we can all always do better"
And that answer is why neither of us is married.
My answer was "You're not nearly as fat as your Mom." :green:
...and how quick were the papers filed after that? :roll:
So, I'm guessing she took your advice and found somebody better? :icon_twisted:
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=104952)
That good one was already posted.Some of us have memories that aren't as good as others, and we're certainly not going back through 50+ pages to make sure the joke is "new".
Thanks anyway.
Some of us have memories that aren't as good as others, and we're certainly not going back through 50+ pages to make sure the joke is "new".
Too Much Sex
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys, in their mid-twenties, while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."
Funny little story, but a strange (mis)use of the alphabet and punctuation - "2", "u" and misplaced caps, yet the spelling is correct.I agree 100%. I love the story, but fixate on the twisted presentation.
appreciate the humor and the sentiment. Be thankful - not critical.Yes, I do agree.....however, this one was glaring. I wasn't going to say anything, but Russell mentioned it and I just wanted to "+1" his comment.
W/O ABS the skid was pretty straight. Isn't that what ABS is supposed to provide.It's also supposed to stop you in a shorter distance. But yes, stopping in a straight, predictable line is also a design element.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Good to hear I could bring a smile to your face Paul. :thumb:
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
ITALIAN ARITHMETIC
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said.
'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain?
Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '
Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree.
So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
but retirement = 127
Sound like the rooster should have been named Cosby.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.I thought this joke was great when I first heard it in 2006. It's kinda lost its meaning in the intervening years.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerging from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
And you consider this humor because ..... ?
Once upon a time a small boy named Paul; he lived in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Paul !!!"Is that a true story?
One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took Paul out from that school. She even shifted to another city.
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and she eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Paul working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the life support machine to connect his vacuum cleaner.
Don't tell me you were thinking that Paul became a doctor...
Is that a true story?I'm sure it is true. It's on the internet, isn't it?
A lady goes to her Doctor for help with her sex life..
Doctor: Give your husband Viagra.
Lady: I can't, he hates pills.
Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.
The following week she returns unhappy.
Doctor: How did it go?
Lady: It was horrible! He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table, threw mw onto it, and did me right then and there.
Doctor: Isn't that what you wanted?
Lady: Yes, but I didn't want to be banned for life from Starbucks!
Jerry - Were you also banned or just your wife?
http://fortwayne.craigslist.org/tls/4900611822.html
I'm innocent. 8)
At the risk of stereotyping... Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.
I'm just sayin'...
There is this guy who has a 25 inch d**k. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his d**k smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his c**k will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."
The guys d**k shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think... I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger's won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Kroger's should have given you the dog food free for keeping their customers amused while they were waiting in line
It's a joke - this did not happen to Bob. I read this one last week.Oh, I don't know... I could see Bob peeing on a fire hydrant.
It's a joke - this did not happen to Bob. I read this one last week.
Oh, I don't know... I could see Bob peeing on a fire hydrant.Pictures, or it didn't happen. :lol:
Pictures, or it didn't happen. :lol:
Here's a good laugh:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51Le0GiL2vU
It's safe for work and kids.
(http://www.inkace.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/d/o/do_not_touch_4.jpg)
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. .....
You know how when you think you've heard a joke before .... well 3 times in this topic alone and the last one was just a month ago! ;)
Vladimir Putin is at the immigration desk in a foreign airport.
"Occupation?" asks the agent, without looking up.
"No, just visiting" says Putin.
There are some advantages having the name Bob.But Bob has a vowel??
It's easy to spell, you can spell it backwards and it says the same thing.
It even saves money!
The other day I had decided to have Bob tattooed on my butt. I figured it would be a good conversation starter, easy identification ect..
When the tattoo artist finished he only charged me $12. I asked why it was so cheap. He said it was so cheap because I didn't need to buy a vowel.
Bob is a great name!!!
But Bob has a vowel??
I don't get it :oops:
But Bob has a vowel??There's a "B" on each cheek. The "O" is ..... uhm.....right in the middle......
I don't get it :oops:
There's a "B" on each cheek. The "O" is ..... uhm.....right in the middle......
Get it now? ;)
There's a "B" on each cheek. The "O" is ..... uhm.....right in the middle......Oh, I get it now. Thanks.
Get it now? ;)
So I have tried to get my wife to have mom tattooed on her butt.
That way when she stands on her head it says............WOW!
Ya know when you're retired there sometimes not a lot going on.........
A jew gets pulled over for speeding.That's a funny one.
A jew gets pulled over for speeding.
I'm convinced this is one of you guys..... Just need to figure out who it is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMnmfYrJyHM
I'm convinced this is one of you guys..... Just need to figure out who it is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMnmfYrJyHM
Heard this at the THE Show in Irvine on Sunday.
What is an audiophile's worst nightmare?
When he dies, his wife sells all his gear for the amount of money he told her it cost.
Which I guess can be turned around a bit as,
What is an audiophile's greatest dream?
To find an estate sale where the wife is selling her deceased husband's gear for the prices he told he paid.
(http://www.fartinvite.com/lolz/037b6fd35db34522290cf26aa4fce1c8df11d286.jpg):P :icon_lol: :lol: :rotflmao:
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/8d/d9/e7/8dd9e79a5d53c11e8dea282113305a06.jpg)
On a Black and White TV, with a pair of pliers......
Make sure to add some tinfoil to those ears Bob!!!!!Now I know who used the last bit of aluminum foil! :icon_lol:
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"Remember remotes that had cords ? :lol:
Remember remotes that had cords ? :lol:
Remember remotes that had cords ? :lol:
In college I made a remote audio cord to my easy chair. A toggle switch killed the sound.
My parents' first remote was like a xylophone. It had metal bars that were struck by a piano-like hammer. Motorized channel changing that went CLUNK! real loud when it changed channels. Why we needed a remote when there were only three channels is beyond me! :scratch:
In college I made a remote audio cord to my easy chair. A toggle switch killed the sound.
My parents' first remote was like a xylophone. It had metal bars that were struck by a piano-like hammer. Motorized channel changing that went CLUNK! real loud when it changed channels. Why we needed a remote when there were only three channels is beyond me! :scratch:
Grampaw was a cutting edge early adopter of Electronic gear, I remember him having a remote with 2 count'em TWO buttons on it. One turned the big B and W TV on and off, and the other cycled it through the chanels, all 13 of them and the pre-set UHF one.
Clunk, Clunk, Clunk......
Of course if you missed the channel you wanted, you had to go all the way around the dial again!
(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Kg99tZJ4hW0/VYHTUh4f3eI/AAAAAAACfik/mDHGa6EofLw/s900/r6juerherherherherherh.jpg)
(http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Kg99tZJ4hW0/VYHTUh4f3eI/AAAAAAACfik/mDHGa6EofLw/s900/r6juerherherherherherh.jpg)
guys, please keep posting jokes...they lighten my day...at least 99% of these posts are funny...thank God!....much, much, MUCH better and funnier than dumb comments...:)Amen to that! :thumb:
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
Thanks Bob, I never knew that. :thumb: :wink::rotflmao: Great one Arthur. :thumb:
My two years of high school German, I remembered it as being "Titzenslinger"
Who knew.....
John
(http://www.abundantlifecs.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/eharmony.jpg)
Dear Ted
Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.
One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'
”My d.ck” is not an appropriate answer.
Thank you for your interest.
Rye Bread:icon_lol:
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
The not-so-funny part of that joke is that it is increasingly true these days (or atleast to release vidz of you and your ex, post-humous).
Worst Driver in The World :lol:
https://youtu.be/avlRv6Ej-vY (https://youtu.be/avlRv6Ej-vY)
Fourth word: No
Actually the shortest words are followed by a short reply "In? Hell, I'm done!
A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.
As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.
Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds, but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.
Everyone was astonished.
"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," asked the organizers, "how on earth did you manage that?"
"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's epileptic."
Kaitlyn B. Jenner??
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=127959)
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IBAAblp0AkU/UbwKRWSj5BI/AAAAAAAAAsc/e30Aw3EoM0Y/s1600/9340.jpg)
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=128552)Awesome! :thumb:
What?!?! :oThanks for the heads up, that couch will add a nice ambiance to any room!
https://stlouis.craigslist.org/zip/5198460746.html
What?!?! :o
https://stlouis.craigslist.org/zip/5198460746.html
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=128930)
glad that i'm not the only one feeling this way...wait, maybe i do need someone to explain this to me...:) :)http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=137688.msg1465040;topicseen#new
I wonder what 'DON'T TOUCH' is in Braille.
If you're in the indoor shooting range and it starts to burn down, what do you yell to warn everybody?
(https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/hphotos-xaf1/t51.2885-15/e15/11349163_469660696546431_1804351283_n.jpg)
(http://2graphics.s3.amazonaws.com/epipen.jpg)
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=133746)
OMG I needed that! Hilarious! :lol: :lol:Well...since you liked that one, how 'bout another:
NSFW due to language.For some reason, the video stops for me about 10 seconds in.
https://www.facebook.com/John.N.Claussen/videos/10151632331312129/
(You don't need to be a member of Facebook to view)
For some reason, the video stops for me about 10 seconds in.Not sure why that happens??
Holy shit, Dude. :rotflmao:
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them
suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about
their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to
know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days
later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good
news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
Maybe. But that's funny s&*t, I don't care who you are........Agreed. :icon_twisted:
Shakey
Agreed. :icon_twisted:
(but yea...it's against the rules)
Was in the store today looking at diamonds just because. Saw this super nice car pull up. Think it was a Bentley. This uppity lady walks in and starts walking towards me. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like this.
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may I help you?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’
He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=149914)
Almost too true to be funny, Jerry. :icon_twisted:
(http://castboolits.gunloads.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=177761&d=1475202802&thumb=1)
Three (3) patients limp into three different doctors with the same complaint. They all have trouble walking and may require hip surgery.
Patient #1:
Is examined within the hour. Is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week at a total cost for the operation of $2,400.00
Patient #2:
Goes to the ER, is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week. Gets NO bill for Copay or deductible, in fact gets no bill at all. Total cost for this patient is $0.00
Patient #3:
See's the family doctor after already have waiting 3 weeks for the appointment. Then has to wait another 8 weeks to see a specialist. Get's an x-ray, which isn't read until the following week, and finally, is scheduled for surgery 6 months down the road, of course pending the review board's concern of his age and his value to society. Receives bill for the deductible which is $7,500.00, and has a copay of 20% which totals $6,000.00, or a total cost of $13,500.00.
Why the different treatments for the 3 patients ?
Patient #1 was a Golden Retriever taken to a Vet.
Patient #2 was an Illegal Alien
Patient #3 was a Senior Citizen on Obama Care.
Looks like we'll all have to find a good Vet.
Did you find that out the hard way?
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/16427611_1393994690647215_3706144263650326019_n.jpg?oh=1259682ea80f222cf7546c64957ed238&oe=593F07E3)
That's gold.
A new slant on Om's Law.
Spoiler Alert : contains adult lanquage. On the other hand, it really works.
Check out this video on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/92i5m3tV5XY
And LesterSleepsIn is right, it kinda works.Yes. Alcohol helps too. :wink:
Yes. Alcohol helps too. :wink:
(http://www.gifbin.com/bin/022013/1360259383_monkey_backside_grooming.gif)
Bob is obviously a butt man!
More-so when they're clean and bug free. 8)
So, Bob in St Louis.I think it is Bob.... PLEASE.... Take the heat off of me. :lol:
This a good time for the tattoo story you asked me about?
Or your belly. :duh:Speaking from experience, Bob?
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=157953)
College student's last three words..
Hey, watch this!
College student's last words.
"Hold my beer and watch this". :lol:
Ok! You win!
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=158753)
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=158898)Reminds me of a story a co-worker related...
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=158823)
I don't think we need to be laughing at people with disabilities. Life is hard enough for them. We're bigger than that and there but for the grace of God ...
Having epilepsy is not a disability, it's a treatable medical condition. It runs in my wife's family and no one has ever been offended by jokes and the like. My brother-in-law , like Neil Young, is nicknamed Shakey !!!!
https://i.imgur.com/s5D1GoY.gifv
That was a bit disturbing..... :o :green:More or less disturbing than JoshK's avatar :scratch: :lol:
I try not to make eye contact with Josh's avatar... creeps me out. Sorry JoshK! :?THIS. :o
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
courtesy of an article on msn.. :o ymmv
THIS. :oThank you sir! I'll will defer to your judgment... Just this once! JoshK rocks though!
Thank you sir! I'll will defer to your judgment... Just this once! JoshK rocks though!Oh yea, no doubt. Josh is cool, but his "face" taunts me. :lol:
Can we please enjoy this without getting political? :P :lol:
American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's healthcare package:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
My avatar creeps a lot of people out. That is why I like it, it is amusing to me.
My avatar creeps a lot of people out. That is why I like it, it is amusing to me.
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=159758)
Now, that’s static electricity! I hope this helps!
I'm trying to get a new cell phone with this number: 855-4013I could keep trying but I gave up. :scratch:
None of the carriers will accomodate.... :(
I'm trying to get a new cell phone with this number: 855-4013
None of the carriers will accomodate.... :(
Number letter substitution, here's a couple of hints... If the 5's are S, then what would you put in front that is sort of like an 8, a "B", no, that doesn't make any sense, an A, however...
If you have to waste all this time explaining it, you should realize it was stupid in the first place......
How about 867-5309? :wink:Curious if anybody got that?
Curious if anybody got that?:wink:
Curious if anybody got that?
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate...!!!"
"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."
Yep! Still don't get the other numbers though... :scratch:Cool, me either. Seems it's not a big deal anyway. :dunno:
Cool, me either. Seems it's not a big deal anyway. :dunno:
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate...!!!"
"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."
Ahhh... gotcha.
I assume you type them on a calculator and turn it upside down.
Curious if anybody got that?Tommy Tutone's song wasn't it?
Yep! Still don't get the other numbers though... :scratch:
I just saw a really hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid because he threw all his fries on the floor.
Sooooo, I threw mine on the floor too...
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Sweet. Everybody needs a good Sean Connery. :thumb:
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=160499)
"Knock Knock"
Who's There?
"Dishes"
Dishes Who?
"Dishes Sean Connery."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=160499)
This might be clearer:
11. When you get home in the evening, the car door stays locked and you have to sit there with the engine running for half an hour while the car "installs updates."You don't know how close we are to having that very thing John. :duh:
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Back in the '90s I owned a Ford Bronco II that enjoyed pulling this exact "prank" on me in the middle of intersections. Typically during rush hour. I traded it instead of replacing the engine."Back in the day", I was a mechanic, and I had a customer with a white Jeep Cherokee that died on left turns. Can't tell you how many times they came in. They got so much free labor from me looking for that gremlin. I never did fix that car. There weren't too many cars that kicked my butt, but that one did. :?
12. You are done shopping. You get into your self-driving car and select "home". Response is "404 not found" :lol::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"Back in the day", I was a mechanic, and I had a customer with a white Jeep Cherokee that died on left turns. Can't tell you how many times they came in. They got so much free labor from me looking for that gremlin. I never did fix that car. There weren't too many cars that kicked my butt, but that one did. :?
That was good BobThank you. :D
That hurt me Bob :thumb:You must be a parent. :wink:
You must be a parent. :wink:
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=160839)
Ohhh man... Facebook is LIT UP with United memes. :lol:
(Yea... for those of you that know me, I did "go to the dark side" and join Facebook) :duh: :oops:
Yea, I did. :oops: :duh: :roll:
Yea, I did. :oops: :duh: :roll:
Bob, you might want to think about rephrasing that. :lol:You don't know me. (http://www.maanclan.com/images/smilies/smiley_fingerinhole.gif)
You don't know me. (http://www.maanclan.com/images/smilies/smiley_fingerinhole.gif)
Nah, leave 'em be. At this rate they'll nuke themselves...
Yeah, my scanned version does suck.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhRe426KZE4
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=162150)
I heard this inappropriate joke on Jimmy Kimmel.:lol: :lol: :lol:
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 40 pounds!
A comedian told this joke to his wife and his 5 year old son heard it and told it in front of his class. Needless to say, his teacher called home.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
People need a sense of humor :green:
Well, it was a toss-up really, where to post this. Do I post this in IT Crowd or Personal Touch or Home Improvements or Health and Fitness or Spectator Sports or Enders Game?You Sir, did the rigth thing. :wink:
Then, as I always do, I asked myself, "What would Bob in St.Louis do?". So Jokes and Humor it is!
I made a butt wiping machine - YouTube
https://youtu.be/NmemOdsMtcg
https://www.yahoo.com/tech/simone-giertz-built-butt-wiping-190500847.html
You Sir, did the rigth thing. :wink:
And the 'right' thing, too... :thumb::duh: My brain types faster than my fingers do.
jhm,
That cartoon does not qualify as humor. :nono:
jhm,
That cartoon does not qualify as humor. :nono:
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=162597)
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=164439)This is fantastic. :rotflmao:
Just in time for the Fourth of July. Redneck BBQ Grill/Cooler.
When you get through cooking, flush the fire out!!!!
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=164920)
Just in time for the Fourth of July. Redneck BBQ Grill/Cooler.
When you get through cooking, flush the fire out!!!!
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=164920)
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=164977)LMFAO, as did my wife
Yeah, and people keep posting political content even though they know it's not allowed, facilitator?
Maybe it's just the wine talking but I really, really, really like wine.
http://audiophile.rocks/index.html
Nathanm lives!
She's single and very attractive... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!
http://audiophile.rocks/index.htmlNATHANM!!!!! :thumb:
Nathanm lives!
NATHANM!!!!! :thumb:But these aren't easy to make :roll:
$2000 for three? :rotflmao:
But these aren't easy to make :roll:
Imagine the effort involved in having to go to this cottage deep in the woods of Sweden every summer to harvest the ingredients for your resonance filters...
http://audiophile.rocks/index.html (http://audiophile.rocks/index.html)
Nathanm lives!
Wow. The guy is certainly shooting for the moon, isn't he? :lol:
It seems to be a woman, not a guy, surprisingly!Women know how to take advantage of guy's weaknesses. :wink:
Kamilla Liljegren.
see 'about the founder' here: http://audiophile.rocks/about.html
Women know how to take advantage of guy's weaknesses. :wink:The girls complain about us guys being idiots. This girl decided to make lemonade instead of griping. Exploit your adversaries' weaknesses, and all that.
http://audiophile.rocks/index.html
Nathanm lives!
The girls complain about us guys being idiots. This girl decided to make lemonade instead of griping. Exploit your adversaries' weaknesses, and all that.
For the newer members of AudioCircle who might be wondering...
http://www.audiocircle.com/index.php?topic=22961.0
Wow, I can't believe that was 12 years ago!No kidding, Bob. I agree. When it was published I was 58. In a few weeks I'll turn 70. I'm sure quite a few of you are personally aware of how enormous a difference that time period represents as changes in your life.
No kidding, Bob. I agree. When it was published I was 58. In a few weeks I'll turn 70. I'm sure quite a few of you are personally aware of how enormous a difference that time period represents as changes in your life.He did log in earlier this year, although it's been three years since he's posted.
I wish Nathan Marciniak would come back. Very imaginative and creative and, as far as I could tell, he was the most entertaining person ever to spend time with us. Badly missed. Sad!!!
I wish Nathan Marciniak would come back. Very imaginative and creative and, as far as I could tell, he was the most entertaining person ever to spend time with us. Badly missed. Sad!!!
How can you measure the look in a child's eye when he first hears his favorite song reproduced with breathtaking clarity? How can you measure the love radiating from your spouse when they realize what a wise investment you've made? You just can't!.
You people are nuts, under NO circumstances would I log in again to this board to comment on some jokes I made back in 2005! That would just be thinkable! Unthinkable I tell you!
You people are nuts, under NO circumstances would I log in again to this board to comment on some jokes I made back in 2005! That would just be thinkable! Unthinkable I tell you! But since my computer by some miracle still has my login info stored my password, heck why not? :P My god, the cobwebs…I think Shelob lives here.
Although one could argue that a 12 year slump in internet-based comedy was a thing to be mourned, I am glad people got a kick out of it. Much more traction than my current meme production. Back in olden times they weren't called memes, though. * hikes up britches, applies Polident *
What the heck is going on with Hi-Fi these days anyway? I honestly have no idea. Is there like brain implants that give you the impression you're listening to music or is it still the old school vibrating bits and electronics? I've heard whisperings that vinyl is still a thing from my cousin. I regretfully sold my Michell Gyrodec in the way back days, in the long long ago. Got some grey thing with a plastic lid on it now from a friend. Not as purdy. Still, all things considered it's good to still be here after my car accident. My Flickr page shows the aftermath if you're interested. Could have gone a lot worse for me there.
Welcome back Nathan. great to see/hear from you.Crappy shoebox that did its job and saved me from going through the windshield and into the bed of a pickup truck driven by a "distracted" 17 year old kid who thought it was a good idea to make a left turn across the median on the highway! I bought another one actually, a 2013 model. It's even cooler IMO.
I saw that crappy red shoebox with the altered front end. Seriously man, there are easier ways to save the planet that by driving that death trap. The world is a better place with you in it, please drive something more safe than that.
You still into photography? Namely, that fancy B&W stuff I used to drool over?
Nothing new in audio. Remember, everything old is new again, and we're just revolving around that same principle. Our expectations are low enough that $15 chip amps are getting more notoriety that you could imagine. In a few years, we'll be back to cassettes.
Are those nipples functional knobs?
I live in constant fear that my daughter will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
The parents of Picasso and Michelangelo.... :duh:
I wish there was a Confederate General named Joe Buck. :icon_twisted:
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=167724)
The quickest way to ruin a Friday is to realize it's only Teusday! :duh:
I wish I had come up with the comment about this cartoon - "...and shortly afterward, Toto released his first album."
If he could find another one, he could use them as a base for his Maggies.
It would make toe adjustments much easier. 8)
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Why do I have to press one for English when I just get transferred to someone I can't understand anyway?
Why do I have to press one for English when I just get transferred to someone I can't understand anyway?
(http://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=169963)
You sold our cow for magical bean bag chairs??
I'm dense I guess.
Welcome to Humour and Jokes. This circle is where you can post funny & witty jokes for other members to enjoy. Please be mindful that political/religious jokes are considered unacceptable if posted in a victimizing manner that disrespects a person or group of people. Make this an enjoyable part of the forum for others.
Much like audio, humour is a very... individual thing. What you may find hilarious may be deathly boring for others. Don't be offended, nor flame other members, should your particular brand of humour differ.
Most importantly, have fun!
Best if this stays non-political...
Just a reminder to everyone - whether we post here or not. :wink:
You guys know there is a "no politics" rule. Tired of asking nicely, deliberately breaking the rule will just earn you a timeout. If you don't care, fine, if you do then edit your post.
Yea Jerry, thanks man. You're a great "bartender". :wink:
VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine after seven years of medical school and training was fired from his job for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, money, training, and effort. He's still paying on his student loans. This goes to show one small mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
I was about to guess mortician.
Why don't Rednecks do it reverse cowgirl style?
Because they never turn their backs to family!
The world's wettest spy... Pond, James Pond.
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a penis? Oh I'm sorry... I mean't light bulb.
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a penis? Oh I'm sorry... I mean't light bulb.
If a plant gets sad, do other plants photosympathize with it?
Kinda like, “I chlorofeel you man!”
The first line was funny, should have stopped there :)
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / FSU
Reporter: Coach, what do you think of your team's execution.
Coach McKay: I'm in favor of it!
Gene
"Daddy, what is a transvestite?"
"Ask Mommy; he knows."
I looked up an old girlfriend today.
That's one of the perks of being a gynecologist.
Her, " That thing you said about doing a doo doo on the man's car. That was a joke right ? "
Him, "Of course it was. He didn't see it that way though."
He smiles and says: "'cause you're ugly."
Here's another member of the "Now where the hell did I put that screwdriver?" club. :oops: :lol:
A young woman is checking out at the grocery store. She notices the guy behind the register and thinks he's pretty cute.
He starts to scan her items. A soup for one. A small tube to toothpaste. One roll of toilet paper. One bar of soap. A pint of milk. And a Cosmopolitan magazine.
"I'll bet you're single," he says to her.
She beams looking back at him.
"I am," she says. "How could you tell?"
He smiles and says: "'cause you're ugly."
On a scale of 1 - 10 in funny (10 funniest) that gets a -5.
And then you realize it's in your hand.
As Iv'e gotten older I am thinking more and more about the here after.
I walk into a room and think "what the heck did I come in here after"?
Don
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.
At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
My wife has started calling me Amos and even when no one
else is around she'll shout out for people to ignore me.
I think she might be losing it.
Don
My wife has started calling me Amos and even when no one
else is around she'll shout out for people to ignore me.
I think she might be losing it.
Don
Ignoramus
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=182741)
My wife has started calling me Amos and even when no one
else is around she'll shout out for people to ignore me.
I think she might be losing it.
Don
Maybe one shouldn't use water on Greece fires?
:wink:
https://www.facebook.com/bjewallace/videos/10151771000782709/
Sorry, but I don't get it either.
No need to do that. Just along with the joke, explain in detail what the punchline means. :green:
Gene
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=184168)
I think it’s sad that I find this so funny. Maybe I should be worried.
I have severe psoriatic arthritis in my hands and wrists, not so bad in elbows and shoulders. I have to develop strategies for opening jars, pill bottles, turning a key in a lock, not much fun. But I laughed heartily at the joke, you gotta laugh to keep from crying.
(https://i.imgur.com/mRJiiaj.jpg)
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...
The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.So they stopped....
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
??????????
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=188844)
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"
The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=189267)
That’s a pretty political joke . Remove it .
Another like the OK vs. Tx cowboy difference joke:
Difference is that in Oklahoma the bull shit is on the outside of the boots.
You know why Texas doesn't fall into the Gulf?
Because Oklahoma sucks.
(Told to me by my Baylor educated cardiologist!)
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=189394)
Classic :lol:
Only if you understand it. I don't. Maybe I'm too old! :green:
Gene
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=189394)
C'mon, guys! Give me a hint! I haven't got a clue! :scratch:
Gene
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=189420)Image is too small to get the joke.
Happy 89th birthday Buzz Aldrin, still my hero! :thumb:
https://mobile.twitter.com/MeredithFrost/status/1086968219238318080
Sent from my iPad
Happy 89th birthday Buzz Aldrin, still my hero! :thumb:
https://mobile.twitter.com/MeredithFrost/status/1086968219238318080
Sent from my iPad
Looks like all may not be so happy at home:
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/06/26/buzz-aldrin-suing-children-alleged-misuse-finances/
Why is this in the "Joke of the Day" thread?I think the video of Buzz Aldrin punching a 'moon landing denier' (sic) in the face was thought of as funny, so I thought I would atttempt to redress the balance.
I think the video of Buzz Aldrin punching a 'moon landing denier' (sic) in the face was thought of as funny, so I thought I would atttempt to redress the balance.
I don't think either posts belong in the Joke of the Day thread, but then I don't think many of the other 'jokes' belong here, either, not being very funny.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm. Making a hero out of questionable acts, when i got out of the high school induced its just always a right team or a wrong team, I found the most enlightened words, that made me laugh=
"I am not sure, and thats ok"
and found i could laugh again, instead of argue, while not funny, I hope some one gets this and laughs with me.
If that's not funny, only cause tho, its a hard joke to get, enjoy this, which is about a know it all, whose part i have often played.Mother Nature and the Great Scientist
So the Great Scientist goes to Mother Nature and says,
Like wow Mom, we don't need ya no more,
we can splice genes,
we can be delusional and make up truth to feel better-
which is one of our most popular inventions,
We can split the Adam ( oops) Atom,
we can replace a heart,
we can fly thru the air,
So thanks for all your help, but we'll be on our own way now.
Mother Nature looks down and says, I see, yes I see, I am most proud of you.
Before you go off on your own, could I have just a small present???
Of course, any thing you like.
Mother Nature says - thank you, that is most gracious of you.
I think I would like a tiny little Tea Cup, embossed with rose's, gold rim.
The Great Scientist says- Oh sure, easy stuff, let me just do that for ya, and we'll be off -
and so the Scientist bends over to get some dirt to make Clay for a tea cup...
And Mother Nature says..... Whoa, whoa whoa,
you said you don't need me any more,
you can do anything remember??????
So you go and get your own dirt to make that tea cup.
That's a whole lot of WTF right there........ :scratch:
Shakey
I feel that way about almost all of GR posts..... :o :roll:
Go back and read some, see if you don't agree.
I saw a Doctor eating an apple today. My whole life is a lie.
Life with or without women is a pain in the ass.
Sorry, you can't have both! :green:
Gene
Sure you can, its called divorce!
Today's performance of Hamilton was canceled in Chicago due to the polar blast.
Once again Brrrrr kills Hamilton.
(http://ace.mu.nu/archives/Vegan.jpg)
Motivational Speaker: Influence the room. Don't let the room influence you.
Me: Iv'e been told I suck the oxygen out of the room. Does that count?
Don
I feel that way about almost all of GR posts..... :o :roll:
Go back and read some, see if you don't agree.
That's a whole lot of WTF right there........ :scratch:
Shakey
its a very famious existentialist joke told at Harvard philosophy school.
what are you gonna do Shakey, beat up every person you meet you can not rationalize,
its about us humans, about whom you can only understand with a sense of humor
Darth Vader had no sense of humor, so he killed everything to bring "Order" to his confusion.
So the Great Scientist goes to Mother Nature and says,
....................................... ....................................... ..... -->
So you go and get your own dirt to make that tea cup.
i ll use smaller words next timeLess is more.
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=191000)
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=191017)
This has been around a while so.... not true. You can google how many ways we use algebra and other maths on a daily basis.
Do you think we could stop with the political bullshit?
And perhaps we could use a bit more eloquent language?
Do you think we could stop with the political bullshit?
This thread has gone to the dogs! :green:
Gene
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4aYoFdiHgTk/TCHeJU75eLI/AAAAAAAAgQg/P7Nk00kl07o/s1600/Image_1_130621974%40web36308_mail_mud_yahoo_com.jpg)
This is actually a common site in a lot of asian countries.
“Petition: Sell Montana to Canada for $1 Trillion to eliminate the national debt”
https://www.change.org/p/christian-moms-against-private-education-sell-montana-to-canada-for-1-trillion-to-eliminate-the-national-debt
Sent from my iPad
Or we could sell California to Mexico for $2T and have some beer money left over.
Well, since the national debt is $22 trillion you're gonna have to add some more states.
Jokes, please. Stop the current topic. Thanks.
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=191646)
(http://ace.mu.nu/archives/A-zoo-with-no-dogs.jpg)
Are they taking pictures or keeping their phones dry?
Taking pictures. You know this generation is useless because they are addicted to using their phones.And protecting their most important possession without which they cannot survive.
Thanks for that photo. I just love labs (we just lost our 5th a few weeks ago)!
(http://ace.mu.nu/archives/the%20fabulooous%20fifties.jpg)
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=191844)
Resetting the clocks at Stonehenge
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=191846)
More political content that violates site guidelines. It even has the political source on the cartoon.
https://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php/Americans_for_Limited_Government
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=192128)
More political content that violates site guidelines. It even has the political source on the cartoon.
https://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php/Americans_for_Limited_Government
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=192128)
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=192380)
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=192353)
So ? Didn't you order with Prime & 2 day shipping Mud ? Did they split your order ? Inquiring minds want to know. :wink:
jhm - just another case of what goes around comes around. :thumb:
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=192879)
Where's the beef!
Ya gotta be really old to remember that! :green:
Gene
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D3EXmtkXQAM5c_j.jpg)
Who you calling really old!? :green:
(https://i.imgur.com/sChbmQn.jpg)
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=194010)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UbH1eqxvs8
Note the closing graphic at the end :icon_lol:
When viewed in Canada, the placeholder for video is all black except for this notification in the middle: Video unavailable
The uploader has not made this video available in your country
It's crazy that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music".
But when I do it I'm "drunk" and "have to leave Home Depot".
A Jewish man leaves the deli with his espresso and sees a strange site. An Italian funeral is approaching the cemetery with a hearse in front and about 50 feet behind another hearse followed by a man walking a dog, followed by about 200 men in single file.
Overtaken by curiosity he approaches the man with the dog and says, "I'm sorry for your loss, I know this probably isn't the best time for this, but I have to know, who's in the hearse"?
"My wife". he responds.
"How did she die if I may ask"?
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked her and killed her".
"And who's in the second hearse"?
"My mother in law, she broke in to defend my wife and the dog killed her too".
There was a moment of silent Jewish Italian commadre, then the Jewish man asked, "Can I borrow the dog"?
"Get in line".
Professional streaker was thinking of retiring but he decided to stick it out for another yearA+ dad joke.
I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm Trans-slender.
I'm fat, but I identify as skinny. I'm Trans-slender.
It is a joke, I wasn't actually shopping for a turkey but overjoyed I fooled you :wink:
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=193648)
Say that again, but slowly.
I just heard that Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are merging.
Their new name is going to be TittyTitty Bang Bang
Charmin Ultra-Soft Toilet Paper has merged with Beretta.
GUESS what their new name will be....
:lol: :popcorn:
Looks like there's a whole second floor to explore. WOW!Wow. You sure are moving up!
Don
(https://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/604025/86241691.jpg)
@Emil,
Why are British police officers in Austria?? :lol:
@Emil,
Why are British police officers in Austria?? :lol:
@Emil,
Why are British police officers in Austria?? :lol:
(http://ace.mu.nu/archives/funny_memes_16%204%2018%2020.jpg)..and then he hands his card or cash directly to the cashier, neither of who are wearing gloves! :duh:
Who else wishes they had a Flowbee now? I can’t get anyone to reply on Craigslist for a back ally haircut! It was easy to do a month ago. I wanted to order one, but they are closed due to COVID-19. :cry: https://www.flowbee.com/order_page.htm
Been using a Wahl electric clipper with vacuum attachment for 20 years. Finally starting to get good at it. :lol:It takes at least 300 hours to get the clippers burned in. :lol:
And if you upgrade the power cord, the quality of any given hair cut is improved. :popcorn:Yeah, but just like my amp and preamp, my clippers are battery operated.. Off the Grid, Baby!!!
(http://ace.mu.nu/archives/murderhornetshutdown)That dotted line is the number 1. :lol:
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=211897)
Political...
:thumbdown:
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=211897)
Yes, 5.1 million cases and 163,000 deaths in the US (as of 8/12/2020) is political. :duh:
First, this is a joke thread. No politics.Really? Aren't politics a joke, especially now, Or do you live in "Thighland"?
IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!
(https://www.audiocircle.com/image.php?id=214337)
IT'S A BOY!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCX9fDazjuo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCX9fDazjuo)
(https://a57.foxnews.com/media2.foxnews.com/BrightCove/694940094001/2019/07/09/931/524/694940094001_6057007719001_6057009640001-vs.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)
Definitely not funny. :cry:Au contraire. I find it hilarious when stupid people reap the rewards of their actions. And the whole gender reveal thing is an 8:10 on the stupid scale.
Au contraire. I find it hilarious when stupid people reap the rewards of their actions. And the whole gender reveal thing is an 8:10 on the stupid scale.
WGH, it refers to the massive CA fire that was started by pyro at a "gender reveal" event. Stupid beyond measure.
I’d love to be at the party when they ‘reveal’ to their child they can’t afford to ever buy them a present because they’re spending every penny they earn to repay the state for damage to resources and the manpower to fight the fire that they started.
1/20/2021 is a palindrome
I was watching an Australian cooking show. The chef made a nice lemon meringue and the audience clapped and cheered. Surprised me a little, as we know many Australians... boo meringue.
I heard about a young people's book about Shrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog teaming up for a cross country adventure.This reads like a Steven Wright bit. :thumb:
So I thought I'd go down to the library to see if I could find it for my grandson.
The librarian said she thought it rang a bell, but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I asked the librarian if they had the latest book on ED. She said "I don't know if it is in yet." I said "Yes! That's the one!"
A German man went to New York City
He started peeing on the street
A lady walked pass him and said: "Gross"
He replied: "Danke"
What is the most frightening word in nuclear physics?
“Oops”.
Surgery trainee with drill
You’re a brave man Mudslide
A T-Rex and a Velociraptor are sitting in a bar.Some us us are just a bit slow. Read it yesterday, laughed today! :icon_lol:
The Velociraptor points out a Triceratops and says “Why is he the first to get served?”
And the T-Rex says “Because he was herbivorous."
John
“Because he was herbivorous."
Some us us are just a bit slow. Read it yesterday, laughed today! :icon_lol:
I always preferred the English spelling of diarrhea: “Diarrhoea”.
Because it really looks like you’ve...
...lost control of your vowels.
Cheers, John
Yup! Me too :lol:
The queen is entitled to a slice of every cake or pie baked in the UK, up to but not exceeding one-twelfth the entire mass of the confection.
It's in the Magna Tarta.
Still don't get it. Does it depend on a particular pronunciation of herbivorous?
It has to do with the T-Rex and Velociraptor being carnivores and by "served" they likely mean for dinner. Think luau pig. :wink:That interpretation makes me think it has something to do with the "try" in "triceratops" :-)
Still don't get it. Does it depend on a particular pronunciation of herbivorous?
I was abducted by aliens.This reads just like a Steven Wright joke.
They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was… on the mothership.
Cheers, John
RE: The herbivorous joke - finally got it.
The inventor of the wind chill factor died recently.
He was 82 but felt like he was 64.
Cheers, John
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
Some peanuts were walking in Central Park. They got asalted. :thumb:
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?
Answer: Because they wouldn't fit in the British Museum
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made.
Very few people die past that age.” —George Burns
If you go out drinking and call in sick the next day at work, I am here to let you know YOU ARE SOFT!
My generation showed up at work in the same clothes we had on the night before and with a hand stamp or wristband…
Cheers, John
I literally drove from the after hours club directly to work.
My wife and I decided we don't want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
…Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”Damn John, You can't say that anymore. But I know the innocent way in which you meant it. BTW, good one.
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Cheers, John
You've heard about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?Wait, what? That went right past me.
I searched for a lighter on Amazon.Good one. I miss you. Been a long time.
But all I could find were 6,000 matches.
Wait, what? That went right past me.Right or wrong I don’t know but “well hung” is what eventually came to me.
How does a pirate clean his ship?
With a treasure mop...
:D
That
is
the
worst
dad
joke
EVER!!!! :roll: :roll: :roll:
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. One day her husband came home unexpectedly early, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now had company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: $100.00
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: $500.00
Man: “Fine”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t - I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, $600.00”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge a person. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your sin.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!!”
Is very diffi:lol:
I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your whole text message is urined.
I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your whole text message is urined.
Cheers, John
poetry
I'm putting this under Joke rather than Smile of the Day for obvious reasons. How did I miss this joke? Cheap and cheerful! (Unless you wasted money on this....)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LPIJVdQkb1Q&pp=ygUKUm9jayBibG9jaw%3D%3D
And follow up.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VYjDXgPDU94 (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VYjDXgPDU94)
We always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll.
So our therapist suggested that we each try the other person’s way for a week.
You know … Roll reversal.
We always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll.
So our therapist suggested that we each try the other person’s way for a week.
You know … Roll reversal.
The only right way is "over". That is how the original patent is, and under creates a health hazard.
But under prevents empty roll when the 3 year old decides to play spin the toilet paper roll.
If you take the first two letters of the title of each of the 7 Hogwarts books, it spells out a secret message.
‘Fifty years ago.....23-year-old girl every night.
but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman.
1 + 9 + 8 = 1
one + nine + eight = one
one + nine + eight = one
o + n + e = one
one = one
I knew they were a couple!A couple of what? :icon_lol:
A photographer at the National Dairy Association was injured today when a huge block of cheddar fell on him from behind.Unfortunately the weren't serving Duck!
(To be fair, all the people he was photographing did try to warn him.).
C'mon, AudioCirclers, I have faith in you...
What do you call a fish who wears a bow-tie?
Sofishticated.
I didn't get the triangle joke. Am I obtuse?
No, your right.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?