Joke of the Day

decal · « **Reply #360 on:** 2 Apr 2011, 05:24 pm »

This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go toFlorida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

djbnh · « **Reply #361 on:** 7 Apr 2011, 09:27 pm »

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

djbnh · « **Reply #362 on:** 7 Apr 2011, 09:32 pm »

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, he shows up!"

doug s. · « **Reply #363 on:** 8 Apr 2011, 12:47 pm »

Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else.
This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely,
Joseph

doug s.

djbnh · « **Reply #364 on:** 9 Apr 2011, 01:16 am »

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

mightym · « **Reply #365 on:** 10 Apr 2011, 04:07 pm »

Talk about priceless.....

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips
on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . and then there are educators.

H2K · « **Reply #366 on:** 6 May 2011, 10:09 pm »

I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.

My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... Don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say.."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!

bside123 · « **Reply #367 on:** 27 Aug 2011, 02:27 am »

Time flies like and arrow...

Fruit flies like a banana...

Eric · « **Reply #368 on:** 31 Aug 2011, 03:40 pm »

A man said to his friend that he had earned the hard way to mind his own business. "How?", asked the friend. "I was walking along the street right outside of the mental hospital and I heard a bunch of people chanting, 'Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen.'", said the man. "What was going on?", asked the friend. The man explained that there was a tall wooden fence blocking the view of the mental hospital from the street. "I found a peep hole and peered in to see a large group of patients chanting, 'Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen'". "What happened next?", asked the friend. "One of the patients poked me in the eye with a stick through the hole", said the man. "Why do you think he did that?", asked the friend. "I don't know", said the man. "But all the patients changed their chant to, 'Fourteen, Fourteen, Fourteen'".

doug s. · « **Reply #369 on:** 31 Aug 2011, 03:53 pm »

if you want some laughs, check out these maps...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/alphadesigner/sets/72157622413981190/

doug s.

ted_b · « **Reply #370 on:** 31 Aug 2011, 03:55 pm »

This is a generic joke. Fill in the group name with anything you want (irishmen, OSU grads, Republicans, lawyers, etc)

One day two (audiophiles) are sitting at the end of the bar. After a swig of drink they turn to each other, shout "two weeks!" and high-five each other! ?? The bartender minds his own business.

A few minutes later, after a couple more swigs of drink, they shout again "two weeks" and high-five each other. ? Clearly they are celebrating something. After the third time the bartender walks over and asks the boys:
"Guys, what are you celebrating? What's with the 'two weeks' thing?"
One of the (audiophiles) explains: "Well, Joe, out of boredom we bought a puzzle....and we just kicked this puzzles aaasssssss! It only took us two weeks! And the front lid of the puzzle said "3-4 years'!! "

thunderbrick · « **Reply #371 on:** 31 Aug 2011, 04:40 pm »

Quote from: doug s. on 31 Aug 2011, 03:53 pm

if you want some laughs, check out these maps...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/alphadesigner/sets/72157622413981190/

doug s.

That's BRUTAL!

2bigears · « **Reply #372 on:** 31 Aug 2011, 05:12 pm »

Ted,that was funny......

love this thread

Freedom · « **Reply #373 on:** 27 Sep 2011, 04:23 pm »

Here’s one of my favorites,

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff
had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, 'he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had The
same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

Happy Listening ..................

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #374 on:** 12 Oct 2011, 01:22 am »

The guy meet a friend on the street and says:
My mother-in-law died this night! And now I am in doubt whether I go work or go the funeral?
What do you think?
First the work, then the fun ...

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #375 on:** 12 Oct 2011, 01:30 am »

The husband is making noises in the kitchen and the wife go see what is happening:
What are you doing?
Killing flies.
Already killed any?
Yes, 3 males and 2 females.
As you know the gender?
3 were in the beer, and two on the phone ...

golfugh · « **Reply #376 on:** 4 Nov 2011, 10:15 pm »

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

doug s. · « **Reply #377 on:** 5 Nov 2011, 01:09 am »

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says;
"This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies:
"Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

doug s.

jobyts · « **Reply #378 on:** 8 Nov 2011, 05:41 am »

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Dan Driscoll · « **Reply #379 on:** 10 Nov 2011, 03:52 pm »