[mightym]

If you were around in 1919, and saw this poster, would you stop drinking, or start?

[thunderbrick]

Looks like a Win-Win situation to me, eh?   

[hmen]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'Look, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend; she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

[Ruby Mae]

If you were around in 1919, and saw this poster, would you stop drinking, or start?

and i thought flying monkeys were scary...i'd be drinking 24/7 

[Ruby Mae]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. 

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go pick her up."

[rpf]

  

[Ruby Mae]

i thought it was funny too  (probably politically incorrect to state that openly as a woman  )

[doug s.]

i thought it was funny too  (probably politically incorrect to state that openly as a woman  )

this is a true story - a few years back, the washington post interwiewed an old couple celebrating their 75th wedding anniwersary; there was a cute pic of them sitting on a double-porch-swing holding hands.  the reporter asked the man what their secret was, to such a long marriage.  he replied that, when they were younger and he was working, he was a traveling salesman, on the road and away from home a lot.  then, after he retired, he lost his hearing...   

doug s.

[Ruby Mae]

this is a true story - a few years back, the washington post interwiewed an old couple celebrating their 75th wedding anniwersary; there was a cute pic of them sitting on a double-porch-swing holding hands.  the reporter asked the man what their secret was, to such a long marriage.  he replied that, when they were younger and he was working, he was a traveling salesman, on the road and away from home a lot.  then, after he retired, he lost his hearing...   

doug s.

 there ya have it! 

[Ruby Mae]

 

[mightym]

Here's a couple of cute ones, one in line with the previous posting, and a Blonde joke I like......

VIAGRA

 A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.  It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
 
 At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
 
 Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

 "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Blind Cowboy
 
 An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.   He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
 
 After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
 
 In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,   "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,   considering that you are blind, that you should know fivethings:
 
 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 
 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
 
 belt in karate.
 
 4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
 
 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
 Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
 
 The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,   "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[srb]

Here's a couple of cute ones, one in line with the previous posting, and a Blonde joke I like......

You must really like that Blonde joke!  You told it on page 8, post #149!
 
Steve

[ted_b]

You must really like that Blonde joke!  You told it on page 8, post #149!
 
Steve

I guess he's blonde too.    It's like the third or fourth time it's been on this thread overall (dating back to the archived version)

[mightym]

OOps, 

Never been a blonde, thought about it though.  Now I'm graying, That's it I'm gettin' CRS!

Yep that's mah story, an' I'm stickin' toit!

[Len_Dreyer]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were drinking in an Aussie pub.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
 
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[BobM]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her
birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then
took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was..

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big
smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[BobM]

(Note: This is for those of you, like me, who are in their 50's, and have had the profound experience described below. It is even funnier when you can intimately relate to it.)

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
> make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
> his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
> lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
> point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
> explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
> didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
> was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
> 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
> and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
> which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
> I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
> to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
> America's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around
> being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
> began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
> didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
> flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
> two packets of powder together in a one-liter
> plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
> those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
> gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
> about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
> kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
> just a hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
> with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
> 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This
> is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
> you may experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
> graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
> launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
> you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
> commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
> much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
> eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
> totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
> at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
> into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
> even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
> nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
> had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
> spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
> Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
> like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
> understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
> forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
> colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
> space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
> that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
> than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
> my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
> was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
> told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
> first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this
> but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
> too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
> around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
> to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
> knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
> seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
> my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
> something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
> playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
> of all the songs that could be playing during this
> particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
> least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
> was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
> decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
> am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
> was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
> ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
> tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
> other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
> that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
> flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
> organ.

[mightym]

I don't care how many times I read that, I still giggle, every time....

Dave Barry is a funny , funny, man.

[Len_Dreyer]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over, women like that are hard to find.'

[ted_b]

I think we now know what the problem is:

Earl Woods, on his deathbed, says to Tiger:

"focus on golf; f**k everything else"