Joke of the Day

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. Read 316046 times.

Bob in St. Louis

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 12746
  • "Introverted Basement Dwelling Troll"
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2180 on: 29 Aug 2017, 08:17 pm »
Run.

Wind Chaser

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2181 on: 30 Aug 2017, 02:29 am »


Deny it! Vehemently deny it and insist that she is right... then tell her there's nothing more important in the world for you to know that she is happy, even if that means she is wrong and you are right. Then tell her to fetch you a beer and get on with her chores. 

thunderbrick

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 5116
  • I'm just not right!
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2182 on: 31 Aug 2017, 11:10 pm »
Gotta love Scottish humor...

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2183 on: 1 Sep 2017, 02:57 am »



Bob in St. Louis

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 12746
  • "Introverted Basement Dwelling Troll"
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2184 on: 1 Sep 2017, 03:05 am »
YES!!!!  :lol:

JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2185 on: 2 Sep 2017, 07:30 pm »
A married couple was in a terrible accident, wherein the woman’'s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too svelte. So, the husband offered to donate his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, when she was alone with her husband, she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly ever repay you?”"

"“My darling,"” he replied, "“I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”"

thunderbrick

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 5116
  • I'm just not right!
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2186 on: 3 Sep 2017, 12:10 am »
You Can't Trust Silver
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispersin Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the
blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, andhe again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's
surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE. " The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and
Silver is again brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"

I.Greyhound Fan

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2187 on: 3 Sep 2017, 12:51 am »
LOL!

ted_b

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 6322
  • "we're all bozos on this bus" F.T.
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2188 on: 5 Sep 2017, 01:07 am »
Deep Thoughts

1. There are two sides to every divorce and every argument:  Yours  and  Shithead's.
 
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
 
 3. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.  I said, "Thyroid problem?"
 
4.  I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
 
5.  I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
 
6. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
 
7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
 
8.  I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
 
9. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
 
10. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
 
11. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 12. Marriage changes passion . . . Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
 13. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 14. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
 
15. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
 

JLM

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 7979
  • The elephant normally IS the room
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2189 on: 5 Sep 2017, 10:25 am »
Thanks Ted!

LesterSleepsIn

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 450
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2190 on: 9 Sep 2017, 10:34 am »






c'est si bon.

Skeeboingen

  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2191 on: 14 Sep 2017, 08:27 pm »
The quickest way to ruin a Friday is to realize it's only Teusday! :duh:

LesterSleepsIn

  • Full Member
  • Posts: 450
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2192 on: 15 Sep 2017, 09:12 am »
Hi - I'm reading "You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You" by The Believer and wanted to share this quote with you.

"Dear Rob:
My roommate is a slob and he never pays his share of the rent or bills. But he’s got an old record player and an amazing collection of vinyl, including a mint-condition copy of London Calling. My question is, if I murder him will the records be taken away as evidence?
Emma Lynsky Fort Wayne, IN

Dear Emma:
I’m not sure I understand your logic. Do you usually make a habit of watching only half of CSI? I think the records would be admissible only if you killed him with them, which would be a fuller, warmer, crackly kind of murder. But also kind of elitist."

Rob






Shakeydeal

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2193 on: 15 Sep 2017, 10:46 am »
The quickest way to ruin a Friday is to realize it's only Teusday! :duh:

And the quickest way to ruin a Tuesday is to realize you can't spell it........ :icon_lol:


fado

  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 138
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2194 on: 17 Sep 2017, 03:51 am »
A man stopped at a local restaurant after a day roaming around Spain. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. It looked good. It smelled good. He asked the waiter: "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy." The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said: "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here. Bring me an order." The waiter replied: "I am so sorry, Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
 
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said: "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday?" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied: "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Wind Chaser

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2195 on: 17 Sep 2017, 07:01 am »
Good one Fado, I didn't see that one coming. :lol:

JerryM

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2196 on: 22 Sep 2017, 02:57 am »
Reward Offered!!!

I will pay a one-thousand dollar reward to the first person who brings me $1,000.00 and two tacos.

Bob in St. Louis

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 12746
  • "Introverted Basement Dwelling Troll"
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2197 on: 22 Sep 2017, 01:05 pm »

thunderbrick

  • Volunteer
  • Posts: 5116
  • I'm just not right!
Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2198 on: 24 Sep 2017, 01:44 pm »



jhm731

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2199 on: 26 Sep 2017, 12:54 am »