Joke of the Day

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1440 on:** 19 Jul 2015, 11:20 pm »

Yes...
That's a good one.
The end got the punch of Mohamed Ali !

ted_b · « **Reply #1441 on:** 19 Jul 2015, 11:22 pm »

THE PHONE CALL

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

(After a brief pause, Daddy says,) "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table; run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

**Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? ... "Is this 486-5731???"

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1442 on:** 20 Jul 2015, 12:23 am »

Saturn94 · « **Reply #1443 on:** 20 Jul 2015, 12:53 am »

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1444 on:** 20 Jul 2015, 01:13 am »

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1445 on:** 24 Jul 2015, 10:38 pm »

Four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the
most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned
on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where
he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on
the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was
no
way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

ArthurDent · « **Reply #1446 on:** 24 Jul 2015, 11:24 pm »

Thanks Bob, I never knew that.

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #1447 on:** 24 Jul 2015, 11:26 pm »

Quote from: ArthurDent on 24 Jul 2015, 11:24 pm

Thanks Bob, I never knew that.

Great one Arthur.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1448 on:** 25 Jul 2015, 12:05 am »

You're welcome Arthur.
My (Jewish) brother in law sent me that.

mightym · « **Reply #1449 on:** 25 Jul 2015, 10:48 am »

I'm gonna have to go out and look at the dash in my old F-150 now....

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1450 on:** 25 Jul 2015, 08:24 pm »

Question: What's the German word for brassiere?

Answer: Keepsemphromfloppen

....................................... .................. What?? It's Saturday.

mightym · « **Reply #1451 on:** 25 Jul 2015, 10:03 pm »

My two years of high school German, I remembered it as being "Titzenslinger"

Who knew.....

John

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1452 on:** 26 Jul 2015, 01:53 pm »

Quote from: mightym on 25 Jul 2015, 10:03 pm

My two years of high school German, I remembered it as being "Titzenslinger"

Who knew.....

John

John, isn't it comforting to know that our sense of humor remains just as sophisticated as it was back then.
Take care and cheerio,
KP

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1453 on:** 26 Jul 2015, 03:09 pm »

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

mightym · « **Reply #1454 on:** 26 Jul 2015, 03:29 pm »

Kenneth,

My wife, who knows everything, assures me that boys' sense of humor never matures beyond junior high (yes I know that ages me, it's now "middle school" ).

Bob in St. Louis,

Always bring an extra magazine.....

John

ted_b · « **Reply #1455 on:** 26 Jul 2015, 09:43 pm »

Dear Ted

Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.

One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

”My d.ck” is not an appropriate answer.

Thank you for your interest.

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1456 on:** 26 Jul 2015, 10:41 pm »

Quote from: ted_b on 26 Jul 2015, 09:43 pm

Dear Ted

Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.

One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'

”My d.ck” is not an appropriate answer.

Thank you for your interest.

Good lord Ted ....... my stomach hurts

ted_b · « **Reply #1457 on:** 29 Jul 2015, 07:28 pm »

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

GentleBender · « **Reply #1458 on:** 29 Jul 2015, 08:18 pm »

Quote from: ted_b on 29 Jul 2015, 07:28 pm

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

JerryM · « **Reply #1459 on:** 31 Jul 2015, 02:30 am »

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.