[Bob in St. Louis]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
 
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
 
Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the Finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
 
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy , decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .
 
"And how about you, Sarah?"
 
"I wanna be Jimmy ’s whore."

[brooklyn]

Too Much Sex
 
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys, in their mid-twenties, while sitting at the bar last night. 

One of the guys says to his buddy:  "Man you look tired."

His buddy says:  "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."

[jhm731]

Too Much Sex
 
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys, in their mid-twenties, while sitting at the bar last night. 

One of the guys says to his buddy:  "Man you look tired."

His buddy says:  "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."

This is supported by The Jelly Bean Theory:

A couple puts a jelly bean in the jar each time they have sex before they are married.  After they're married, they start removing a jelly bean each time they have sex. The theory goes that most couples will never empty the jar, even if they remain married for the rest of their lives.

[FireGuy]

[Bob in St. Louis]

 
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.  If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[Bob in St. Louis]

 
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
 
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught today?'

‘You're the eighth.'

[Bob in St. Louis]

A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.
The woman, tired and wanting to take a nap, politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persisted and explained that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explained, “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declined and tried to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, said, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.00.”
This caught the woman’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she played, she agreed to the game.
The lawyer asked the first question. “What is the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The woman didn't say a word, reached into her purse, pulled out a $5.00 bill and handed it to the lawyer. “Okay,” said the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asked the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, took out his laptop and searched all his references, no answer. He tapped into the air phone with his modem and searched the internet and the Library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sent email to all his friends and coworkers, again to no avail. After an hour, he woke the woman, and handed her $500.00.
The woman said, “Thank you,” and turned back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the woman and asked, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the woman reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5.00, and went back to sleep.

[rodge827]

[Russell Dawkins]

Funny little story, but a strange (mis)use of the alphabet and punctuation - "2", "u" and misplaced caps, yet the spelling is correct.

[Bob in St. Louis]

Funny little story, but a strange (mis)use of the alphabet and punctuation - "2", "u" and misplaced caps, yet the spelling is correct.

I agree 100%. I love the story, but fixate on the twisted presentation.

[rodge827]

It was sent to me this way and this is the Joke Circle...didn't think eye kneeded 2 fix the airer's 4 yooz 2 gyz. 

[macrojack]

Obviously repeated by a texter and possibly corrected by Siri. At least we were able to understand and enjoy the joke. What else matters?
Besides, at least half of the entries on this forum contain stupid mistakes. Does anybody else notice the expression "could of" or "should of" or "would of"? All incorrect. It should HAVE read that I would HAVE known if I could HAVE understood.
This is a "glass houses" situation --- keep your hands in your pockets and just appreciate the humor and the sentiment. Be thankful - not critical.

[Bob in St. Louis]

appreciate the humor and the sentiment. Be thankful - not critical.

Yes, I do agree.....however, this one was glaring. I wasn't going to say anything, but Russell mentioned it and I just wanted to "+1" his comment.
No...Nathan was not channeling his inner Grammar Nazi into me. 

Bob

[aragon63]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.   

She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. 
 
She asks him why he is staring.
 
He replies:  'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' 
 
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.   When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.  I'm sure  that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
 
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
 
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
 
#1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.'
 
The cab driver is very excited and says,  'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
 
"OK' the nun says.  'Pull into the next alley.'
 
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
   
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
 
'Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
 
The nun says, 'That's OK.........my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween  Party.'

[Bob in St. Louis]

<deleted>

Regional jokes aren't funny if you don't have all the information. My bad.

[Bob in St. Louis]

[macrojack]

W/O ABS the skid was pretty straight. Isn't that what ABS is supposed to provide.

[Bob in St. Louis]

W/O ABS the skid was pretty straight. Isn't that what ABS is supposed to provide.

It's also supposed to stop you in a shorter distance. But yes, stopping in a straight, predictable line is also a design element.

[brooklyn]

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken,
the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks,
"Will I be acquitted?"

[Bob in St. Louis]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.