Joke of the Day

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gregfisk

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2260 on: 29 Dec 2017, 03:24 am »
First post here, thought this was pretty funny.






JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2261 on: 29 Dec 2017, 03:32 am »


JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2262 on: 19 Jan 2018, 07:50 pm »
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2263 on: 2 Feb 2018, 03:31 am »

mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2264 on: 9 Feb 2018, 11:57 pm »

Mrs.Blanchett’s furnace stop working so she calls a serviceman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the furnace, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send money to your account. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my doberman; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”
When the serviceman arrives at Mrs.Blanchett’s flat the next day, he discovers the biggest and scariest doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching him go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the serviceman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you idiot ugly bird!”
The parrot responded, “Get him,Apollo.”

Letitroll98

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2265 on: 11 Feb 2018, 08:14 am »
VERY, VERY SAD DAY.  A good friend of mine after seven years of medical school and training was fired from his job for one minor indiscretion.  He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.  What a waste of time, money, training, and effort.  He's still paying on his student loans.  This goes to show one small mistake can ruin your life.  Thoughts for him and his family.  He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2266 on: 13 Feb 2018, 02:02 am »

JoshK

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2267 on: 13 Feb 2018, 02:21 am »
VERY, VERY SAD DAY.  A good friend of mine after seven years of medical school and training was fired from his job for one minor indiscretion.  He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.  What a waste of time, money, training, and effort.  He's still paying on his student loans.  This goes to show one small mistake can ruin your life.  Thoughts for him and his family.  He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

I was about to guess mortician.

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2268 on: 15 Feb 2018, 03:49 am »
Me: "Sorry I'm late...  I was trying to jump my wife's car for like 30 minutes."

Boss: "Need a new battery?"

Me: "No, I think I just need better shoes."


JakeJ

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2269 on: 15 Feb 2018, 04:24 am »
I was about to guess mortician.

Nice!

Kenneth Patchen

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2270 on: 22 Feb 2018, 05:28 pm »
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Goosepond

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2271 on: 23 Feb 2018, 12:21 am »
They say the best test of a really funny joke is when you hear or read it when you're alone and you find yourself laughing out loud.

I just did!  :green:

Gene

2bigears

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2272 on: 23 Feb 2018, 01:07 am »
 :D that was a Good One,,,,,  D Van D ,,,, , ha.    :D.   
         Nicely done. 

I.Greyhound Fan

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2273 on: 23 Feb 2018, 04:17 am »
ROFLMAO!

mikeeastman

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2274 on: 24 Feb 2018, 02:46 am »



JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2275 on: 24 Feb 2018, 07:35 pm »
Husband and wife are out for a drive on an icy-cold day. All of a sudden the wife exclaims "Stop the car; there's a small animal injured on the side of the road!"

She gets out and says "It a baby skunk; it's alive we have to take it to the Veterinarian!"

The Husband says "OK Dear, put him in the car!"

As she gets into the car, she says "Oh the poor thing is freezing; it's shivering."

The Husband says "Put him between you legs to keep him warm."

She says "What about the awful smell?"

Husband says "Just pinch his nose."

I.Greyhound Fan

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2276 on: 24 Feb 2018, 09:41 pm »
Why don't Rednecks do it reverse cowgirl style?








Because they never turn their backs to family!

bside123

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2277 on: 24 Feb 2018, 10:33 pm »
Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

JerryM

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2278 on: 25 Feb 2018, 10:29 pm »
Why don't Rednecks do it reverse cowgirl style?








Because they never turn their backs to family!

Get off me, Dad; You're crushing my smokes!

bside123

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2279 on: 25 Feb 2018, 10:43 pm »
There’s 3 guys stranded on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but they have nothing to light them with. What did they do?
They threw 1 cigarette overboard, and the whole boat became cigarette lighter.