[thunderbrick]

'Puce' isn't a color is it? I mean, that's a joke, right?

Fuscia?  What the hell is Fuscia??   

Regarding the dreaded "Am I fat?" question?  MUCH better to preempt it by always telling her she's fabulous, sensuous, etc., so she doesn't get to the point of asking the question.  It's too late, and she'll KNOW you are lying.  And then it gets worse.............trust me.

[geezer]

mikeeastman, when did you meet my wife?

[jarcher]

All the above was Bible except for:

"1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us"

Young bloods pay attention here. If asked that question the correct answer is "No, not at all". It's quick and painless and you'll get beaucoup 'Get out of Jail' points. It's an investment that will pay off later. Trust me. And one other thing, 'Puce' isn't a color is it? I mean, that's a joke, right?

If your wife is still young, is starting to veer in that direction, and truly has the motivation to do something about it, then the right response is "love you as you are, but we can all always do better" as a preventative measure so she DOESN'T become fat and the lies become more and more unconvincing.  Oh yeah - this is advice coming from the divorced guy  - I guess THAT's the Joke of the Day (or at least the Joke of My Life)

[Letitroll98]

And that answer is why neither of us is married.

[thunderbrick]

, then the right response is "love you as you are, but we can all always do better"

So, I'm guessing she took your advice and found somebody better?   

[JerryM]

And that answer is why neither of us is married.

My answer was "You're not nearly as fat as your Mom." 

[charmerci]

My answer was "You're not nearly as fat as your Mom." 

...and how quick were the papers filed after that? 

[mikeeastman]

geezer, I met my present wife in 1986 and it will be 28 yr in Nov. 

[JerryM]

...and how quick were the papers filed after that? 

No where near quickly enough.      

[jarcher]

So, I'm guessing she took your advice and found somebody better?   

ZING - good one!   

Believe it or not (probably not), mine was a rare case of the opposite.  Though "somebody better" turned out to be enjoying my own & my dog's company and some good tunes on my hifi systems that I can amass, place in every damn room of the house, and listen to however and whenever I please! Life's good.   

Now back to the humor.  Damn, I wish I knew more jokes.  Where's my copy of "Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. II"?

[jhm731]

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

[milford3]

[smargo]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"


He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[jhm731]

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "how do you stay in such great physical condition?”

“I'm Italian and I am a golfer, says Silvio, and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”

"'Well says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?”

“Who said my Father's dead?”
 
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?”
 
“He's 100 years old, says Silvio. In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.”
 
“Well,' the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?”
 
“Who said my Nonno's dead?”
 
Stunned, the doctor asks, “you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”

“He's 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
 
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
 
“No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.”
 
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?”
 
“Who said he wanted  to get married?"

[decal]

^^^^^^    Good One   ^^^^^^

[Blu99Zoomer]

Ditto!!

[decal]

[thunderbrick]

Probably the same guy who ate the apple!   

[aragon63]

A biker dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" The biker answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" The biker says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Biker says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" The biker frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays.

[milford3]