Joke of the Day

JoshK · « **Reply #1460 on:** 31 Jul 2015, 04:41 pm »

Quote from: JerryM on 31 Jul 2015, 02:30 am

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

The not-so-funny part of that joke is that it is increasingly true these days (or atleast to release vidz of you and your ex, post-humous).

Letitroll98 · « **Reply #1461 on:** 31 Jul 2015, 05:10 pm »

Quote from: JoshK on 31 Jul 2015, 04:41 pm

The not-so-funny part of that joke is that it is increasingly true these days (or atleast to release vidz of you and your ex, post-humous).

Hmmmm...

Never mind.

aragon63 · « **Reply #1462 on:** 31 Jul 2015, 05:22 pm »

Virus Alert

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible.

Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets

Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

brooklyn · « **Reply #1463 on:** 1 Aug 2015, 06:47 am »

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading
SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and
was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and
tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips
through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

aragon63 · « **Reply #1464 on:** 1 Aug 2015, 04:56 pm »

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1465 on:** 1 Aug 2015, 06:58 pm »

Worst Driver in The World

https://youtu.be/avlRv6Ej-vY

charmerci · « **Reply #1466 on:** 1 Aug 2015, 08:56 pm »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 1 Aug 2015, 06:58 pm

Worst Driver in The World
https://youtu.be/avlRv6Ej-vY

So many videos...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTGezRR46R8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14aUehd-Afk

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1467 on:** 1 Aug 2015, 10:04 pm »

This one is my favorite as far as "stupid people in parking lots".
There's a couple bad words, so it may not be suitable for work/kids.
Just amazing.

https://youtu.be/qfe6tqg3vsU

jhm731 · « **Reply #1468 on:** 1 Aug 2015, 10:56 pm »

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 46 destroyers

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash".

So out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The Ministry of Defence is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by the head Mullah from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The Captain will be Lt-Commander Abdulla bin Ikililou Dhoinine.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

FullRangeMan · « **Reply #1469 on:** 2 Aug 2015, 12:31 am »

Great very entartete as expected, the Argentines will love it.

charmerci · « **Reply #1470 on:** 3 Aug 2015, 08:34 pm »

Maybe I should post this under Headphone Mania?

jarcher · « **Reply #1471 on:** 3 Aug 2015, 10:00 pm »

Now replace the on ear headphones with ear buds and the computer monitor with a smartphone and it gets even more depressing.

brooklyn · « **Reply #1472 on:** 1 Sep 2015, 05:12 pm »

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the
other ten?" And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them
laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about
I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long
and labor under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give
back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll
give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we
slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

mikeeastman · « **Reply #1473 on:** 1 Sep 2015, 07:12 pm »

aragon63 · « **Reply #1474 on:** 3 Sep 2015, 11:45 pm »

What are the 3 shortest words in the English language ?

"Is it in ? "

dflee · « **Reply #1475 on:** 4 Sep 2015, 01:03 am »

Fourth word: No

JerryM · « **Reply #1476 on:** 4 Sep 2015, 02:14 am »

Quote from: dflee on 4 Sep 2015, 01:03 am

Fourth word: No

Actually, the shortest fourth word is "Yes".

PMAT · « **Reply #1477 on:** 4 Sep 2015, 03:18 am »

Actually the shortest words are followed by a short reply "In? Hell, I'm done!

JerryM · « **Reply #1478 on:** 4 Sep 2015, 03:23 am »

Quote from: PMAT on 4 Sep 2015, 03:18 am

Actually the shortest words are followed by a short reply "In? Hell, I'm done!

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1479 on:** 4 Sep 2015, 11:03 pm »