[decal]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[Bob in St. Louis]

    

[monte]

Great joke to wake up to

[thunderbrick]

[JerryM]

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

I was serious when I hung that note. Not sure why everybody thinks it's funny.   

[JerryM]

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds, but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished.

"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," asked the organizers, "how on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's epileptic."

[brooklyn]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
 
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
 
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
 
No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
 

 

[Bob in St. Louis]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
     
He  put up a sign outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
 
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know
beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to    Dr.Geezer's clinic.
 
Dr. Young:  "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.
Can you please help me ??"
                 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in Dr. Young's mouth." 
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in the patient's mouth."
 
Dr. Young:  "Oh, no you don't,  -- that is Gasoline!"
 Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back .
That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days. 
 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak    ---  I can hardly see anything !!!!
 
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back."
(giving him a $10 bill)
   
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!  That will be $500."
               
                                 ~~~~~ MORAL OF THE STORY~~~~~~:--
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean  you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

[JerryM]

[mikeeastman]

 

[GentleBender]

This thread is great! 

[monte]

You got that right

[jarcher]

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds, but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished.

"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," asked the organizers, "how on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's epileptic."

Good one. Haven't heard an epileptic joke since high school & the Truly Tasteless Joke books.......here's one chestnut from that collection (don't recall which volume):

What do you do when an epileptic falls in a swimming pool?
Throw in your laundry.

I told this one back then to a classmate - who then informed me that his sister was epileptic 

[thunderbrick]

[mikeeastman]

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear…
Is he still wrong?

[brooklyn]

A Doctors Lecture

 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The  
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed  
most of us sitting here, years ago.
 
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be  
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm  
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one  
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or  
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that  
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating  
it?"
 
 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the  
front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[aragon63]

[mikeeastman]

That's great. 

[mikeeastman]

No, No I'm listening.  It just takes me a minute to process so much stupid all at once...