[Guy 13]

Believe it or not.... Lawyers are the most preferred husbands for ladies. Surprised? Don't be, I asked a girl why do you prefer a lawyer to marry?

She Said: They bow their head while entering the room and again while going out.

They say 'your honor,' 'my lord' before and after every world.

They don't have male ego because they wear gown, they go to a BAR where liquor is not served.

More importantly they never question the judgment at least before the person who gives it, whether they like it or not. What more do I require?

[bearman2]

What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?



A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.



Here is her story:



While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerging from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.



She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!   Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.


It's one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

[thunderbrick]

 

[mightym]

What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?



A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.



Here is her story:



While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerging from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.



She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!   Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.


It's one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

Funny, had a friend who owned a liquor store shot in the head with one of those.  Bullet entered over his right eye, didn't penetrate the skull, exited behind the ear.  His 12 gauge under the counter ended the robbery attempt/robber.  Cops had to make him go to the hospital, drove himself....

One tough old Dude.

[Bizarroterl]

My understanding is that the .25 is considered one of the most dangerous guns by emergency rooms.  The bullet goes in and bounces around so they have no idea what damage there is.  It takes longer to figure out what they need to do.

[Kenneth Patchen]

 A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.  After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork? "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.  A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith." The rabbi then nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes. Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"

[Guy 13]

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers, "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us.

[Guy 13]

There is a story about monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several 100 feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks, who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous when he was half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they change the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

[Guy 13]

How to Cross the Road in a war/terrorist/troubled country...

Road Crossing Instructions.

Look both right and left for cars, motorcycles, animals and pedestrians;
Look "up" for American drones;
Look "down" for bombs and land mines;
Look sideways and backwards for kidnappers and suicide bombers;
Hold your bags tight and watch for every person near you;
Then walk zigzag to avoid bullets.

[srb]

And you consider this humor because ..... ?

[Guy 13]

And you consider this humor because ..... ?

Hi srb,
there are different types of humor,
if you don't like it,
you tell me directly and I will delete it.
No problem.

Guy 13

Hi (again) srb,
I've noticed that you are not a moderator or a volunteer,
you are just an AudioCircle member like me.
Therefore you have as much right as me to voice your opinion.
But since I am a guy guy,
I will try to modify my post so it's less specific about the ethnic or country.
Have a look again at my original post.

Guy 13

[Guy 13]

Law of equality:
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes!

Law of Queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule:
People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.

Law of Proposal:
After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...

Law of getting late:
When you reach early for something it will never start on time.

[mikeeastman]

men vs. women

[Guy 13]

Once upon a time a small boy named Paul; he lived in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Paul !!!"

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took Paul out from that school. She even shifted to another city.

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and she eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Paul working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the life support machine to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you were thinking that Paul became a doctor...

[sebrof]

Once upon a time a small boy named Paul; he lived in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Paul !!!"

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took Paul out from that school. She even shifted to another city.

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and she eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Paul working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the life support machine to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you were thinking that Paul became a doctor...

Is that a true story?

[macrojack]

Is that a true story?

I'm sure it is true. It's on the internet, isn't it?

[JerryM]

A lady goes to her Doctor for help with her sex life..

 Doctor: Give your husband Viagra.

 Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

 Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

The following week she returns unhappy.

 Doctor: How did it go?

 Lady: It was horrible! He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table, threw mw onto it, and did me right then and there.

 Doctor: Isn't that what you wanted?

 Lady: Yes, but I didn't want to be banned for life from Starbucks!

[macrojack]

A lady goes to her Doctor for help with her sex life..

 Doctor: Give your husband Viagra.

 Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

 Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

The following week she returns unhappy.

 Doctor: How did it go?

 Lady: It was horrible! He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table, threw mw onto it, and did me right then and there.

 Doctor: Isn't that what you wanted?

 Lady: Yes, but I didn't want to be banned for life from Starbucks!

Jerry - Were you also banned or just your wife?

[JerryM]

Jerry - Were you also banned or just your wife?

Just her! 

[Guy 13]

A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.