Joke of the Day

JoshK · « **Reply #1300 on:** 17 Mar 2015, 04:06 pm »

turned into spam, so I edited it out.

jhm731 · « **Reply #1301 on:** 22 Mar 2015, 05:54 am »

Fifty shades of Golf

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

"She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she'd been reading 50 Shades of Grey... and on the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So... Here I am

PMAT · « **Reply #1302 on:** 22 Mar 2015, 07:43 am »

mightym · « **Reply #1303 on:** 23 Mar 2015, 02:14 am »

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his
cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has
just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said , my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."

Sorry, not getting my notices on this forum, I just found where this one was posted recently, I got from someone today and wanted to share with this group......

John

srb · « **Reply #1304 on:** 23 Mar 2015, 02:38 am »

Quote from: mightym on 23 Mar 2015, 02:14 am

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. .....

You know how when you think you've heard a joke before .... well 3 times in this topic alone and the last one was just a month ago!

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1305 on:** 23 Mar 2015, 02:42 am »

Quote from: srb on 23 Mar 2015, 02:38 am

You know how when you think you've heard a joke before .... well 3 times in this topic alone and the last one was just a month ago!

Hi srb,
well, first time I read it
(I missed the two other times)
I find it funny and glad it was posted for the third time.

Guy 13

aragon63 · « **Reply #1306 on:** 23 Mar 2015, 10:49 pm »

Beware of the type of fertilizer you use for your garden!

Kenneth Patchen · « **Reply #1307 on:** 25 Mar 2015, 09:48 pm »

Two antennas decided to get married. The wedding was awful but the reception was great.

What?? My nephew told me that one.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1308 on:** 26 Mar 2015, 12:03 am »

That's awesome!

brooklyn · « **Reply #1309 on:** 26 Mar 2015, 04:32 am »

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype
Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being?* "It's men like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general,
pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of
this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

weatherman1 · « **Reply #1310 on:** 26 Mar 2015, 05:22 pm »

Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I
'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is
wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."

Wind Chaser · « **Reply #1311 on:** 6 Apr 2015, 03:17 am »

Here's an Easter joke.

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey"
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth And exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me.

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

dex67 · « **Reply #1312 on:** 10 Apr 2015, 04:25 pm »

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally (since he was her husband.) Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

“Oh, the same old thing,” he said. “You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”

“Did you dance much ?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to............”

milford3 · « **Reply #1313 on:** 10 Apr 2015, 05:49 pm »

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1314 on:** 12 Apr 2015, 11:45 am »

Once and Only Once

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

"I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office.

"Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1315 on:** 12 Apr 2015, 11:50 am »

Walking Backward!

Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me, 'You've got such a great ass it could bring a dead man back to life.' So I'm not taking any chances!"

ACHiPo · « **Reply #1316 on:** 12 Apr 2015, 05:49 pm »

Great one, Guy!

jhm731 · « **Reply #1317 on:** 13 Apr 2015, 09:43 pm »

An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

The angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriendcaught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They're not too fond of that in heaven," said the angel.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"

Guy 13 · « **Reply #1318 on:** 14 Apr 2015, 02:25 am »

How to Avoid The Flu?

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air.

Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR

Take the doctor's office approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.

So....

I walk to the liquor store (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh (eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #1319 on:** 14 Apr 2015, 02:29 am »

I will copy and paste that to my wife.