A Christmas Story

thunderbrick · « **on:** 24 Dec 2015, 04:23 pm »

Chapter 1. It was a dark and stormy night, a terrible harbinger of things to come....

Chapter 2. to follow

thunderbrick · « **Reply #1 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 05:28 pm »

National Lampoon is gonna film another Christmas Vacation story.

At my house.

Here's the script:

The first wave of inlaws arrived yesterday

I pull in with a ton of groceries and start hauling them in the house. Does my stepson-in-law (SSIL) offer to help? He doesn't even get off his ass. Same with DIL and kids.

Next: In laws brought their standard poodles with them. Both are neurotic as hell and are fascinated with (want to eat) my wifes cockatiel. The bird is having none of it and wants to tear their noses off.

Part Deux. I'm hungry and dinner is an hour away so I make a plate of cheese and crackers for myself. SSIL walks over and takes some off the plate that I am holding.

Part Trois: Dogs seem anxious. DIL suggests to stepson-in-law/ husband that they (he) should walk them. The sloth doesn't move, says the dog will bark if he wants to go out.

Minutes later one dog pisses all over the (artificial) tree and the presents. Not three feet from SSIL.

And more...
When SSIL stands in the kitchen watching videos on his cell phone (with the sound turned WAY up) I tell them "I have to be at Physical Therapy at 7:00 a.m., so I'm going to bed.

Get up at 6:30 to find dogs have been barking in their cages all night long. Parents still in bed. Beer cans laying around.

Wife and I decide to walk dogs in 32 degree weather. God FORBID the parents actually DO something. So I don't have time to get breakfast, BUT Gail is starting to make breakfast. What's on the menu? Stepson-in-law's favorite.

Sure am glad I spent two fucking weeks making the house perfectly clean for our guests.

It gets better. There're gonna be here for several days and a good part of the time it's gonna rain. Second and third wave of inlaws arrive in the meantime.

I posted all this on FB and National Lampoon has been texting and calling all morning with an offer for the movie rights. If I don't kill the entire family I'm gonna be rich...

If my Maggies get pissed on there's gonna be a mass shooting....

daves · « **Reply #2 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 05:52 pm »

Bob, you have our sympathy. Around 4 pm, if it gets to be too much, here in St. Louis we will be plating a three pound french rack of lamb, with a parmesan/garlic/rosemary/fennel crust and lingonberry chutney, ricotta stuffed ravioli, a wilted French greens salad, hot French bread, and cold craft brews. After dinner we can descend to the man cave, where you will be welcome to select some good jazz and continue into sampling the ports, stouts, and german ales or fine wines.

Wasn't you son in law recently arrested trying to sneak back into the US?

And happy holidays to everyone!

thunderbrick · « **Reply #3 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 07:12 pm »

Dave, I appreciate the offer but we're roasting a turkey tomorrow. The wrong one...

JerryM · « **Reply #4 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 07:29 pm »

Nothing says 'Holiday Spirit' more than rain-soaked poodles shaking themselves off indoors.

Peter J · « **Reply #5 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 07:34 pm »

Oh what fun, Thunder!

Glad it's you and not me.

I'd be choking on all the words I'm not saying...

But don't let that stop the storytelling!

thunderbrick · « **Reply #6 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 08:34 pm »

Chapter 3.

The vagrants have left for a day. That's the good news.

The bad news?
They have left the wacked-out standard poodles for us to babysit. It's 58 degrees out and we'd LOVE to go to a nearby park to photograph eagles and deer, but oh, no we don't DARE leave the dogs here with the the bird, the Christmas tree, gifts, food on the counter and my Maggies.

Worse news?
While dog #2 looks like a stone statue staring at the cockatiel, dog #1 has decided that my recliner is HIS sweet spot. The very recliner that I have carefully position for just the perfect soundstage with my 20.1s .

I just can't WAIT to write Chapter 4….

JerryM · « **Reply #7 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 08:43 pm »

Quote from: thunderbrick on 24 Dec 2015, 08:34 pm

Worse news?
While dog #2 looks like a stone statue staring at the cockatiel, dog #1 has decided that my recliner is HIS sweet spot. The very recliner that I have carefully position for just the perfect soundstage with my 20.1s .

Now you know dog #1 is the smart dog.

thunderbrick · « **Reply #8 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 08:57 pm »

Chapter #4 is coming sooner than expected.

A pan of dessert left on a tall table was desecrated so we cut out the tool/paw marks.
Moments later we caught the Dumber (of Dumb and Dumber) licking the dessert pan. While it was in the sink.

NEVER should have put that "welcome" sign up….

daves · « **Reply #9 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 10:03 pm »

Dam, that's my job up here.

Better look in the bedroom, and see if the other poodle is in your bed smoking a cigarette.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #10 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 10:21 pm »

Yea...I'd have come unglued by now. Damn sure they won't be at my house again. Ever.
Best wishes Bob. Prayers are with ya buddy. My biggest hope is that you manage to stay out of jail.
Bob

thunderbrick · « **Reply #11 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 10:27 pm »

Here's half the problem:

I tricked him, though. I hid the remote.

daves · « **Reply #12 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 10:53 pm »

the bad news is the poodle in the chair has Bytor the Snow Dog on repeat...and has listened to it for the last two hours!

WGH · « **Reply #13 on:** 24 Dec 2015, 11:26 pm »

How about some Jingle Bells to lift your spirits:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xam01uaj6Vg

thunderbrick · « **Reply #14 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 01:08 am »

Quote from: WGH on 24 Dec 2015, 11:26 pm

How about some Jingle Bells to lift your spirits:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xam01uaj6Vg

That's kicking a man when he's down!

May YOUR stocking be filled with coal and your stylus mistrack!

daves · « **Reply #15 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 03:26 pm »

I am crackiing my knuckles with glee, waiting for the next chapter.

mjmsound · « **Reply #16 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 04:10 pm »

Next year (a week from now) go to Hawaii or some other out of the way place. You need your rest after all this Christmas cheer.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #17 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 04:22 pm »

Good morning Bob.
Everybody still alive?

JerryM · « **Reply #18 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 04:33 pm »

Quote from: Bob in St. Louis on 25 Dec 2015, 04:22 pm

Good morning Bob.
Everybody still alive?

The very best Christmas morning question ever.

Bob in St. Louis · « **Reply #19 on:** 25 Dec 2015, 04:36 pm »

Quote from: JerryM on 25 Dec 2015, 04:33 pm

The very best Christmas morning question ever.

Yea.....well.....so much potential there.....
The dog eating the bird, 'Brick killing a dog or maybe an inlaw, Mrs 'Brick killing Mr. Brick after he goes off the deep end....
Yea, I've been watching the local news broadcast, but I haven't seen anything.