[Bob in St. Louis]

  I knew that question was coming.
It was posted on another forum I belong to....  and since I'm sure you don't believe me, here's a link:
About four posts down.
http://www.garagejournal.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56771&page=1389

I'm innocent. 

[ArthurDent]

I'm innocent. 

Undoubtedly   

[aragon63]

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a
call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody
in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced
a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at
25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about
average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a
typical Highland baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The
bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that
typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth,
aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how
big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh
now?â€

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What
happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker
Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
circumcised."
God Bless The Scots

[aragon63]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FU** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fu** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[ted_b]

At  the risk of stereotyping... Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.
       
     I'm just sayin'...           

[jhm731]

Advice for an old guy....



I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....



I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" 

The trainer looked me over and said:

"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

[aragon63]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[JoshK]

haha ^^

[Bob2]

I was waiting in line to check out when I realized I needed some spackle..

[thunderbrick]

 

[aragon63]

There is this guy who has a 25 inch d**k. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his d**k smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his c**k will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys d**k shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

[aragon63]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his  erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

[Bob2]

quote author=aragon63 link=topic=72917.msg1407950#msg1407950 date=1425086740]
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his  erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

[/quote]
So.... Bob is the only name you could use for that!! 

[I.Greyhound Fan]

At  the risk of stereotyping... Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.
       
     I'm just sayin'...           

ROFLMAO

[charmerci]

There is this guy who has a 25 inch d**k. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his d**k smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his c**k will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys d**k shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

The great thing about this joke is that you can use the punch line in other situations over and over again!   

[Bob in St. Louis]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER
 
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think... I had an elephant?

 
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I  told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger's won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of  crazy things to say.
 

[R_burke]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER
 
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think... I had an elephant?

 
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I  told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger's won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of  crazy things to say.

Kroger's should have given you the dog food free for keeping their customers amused while they were waiting in line

[charmerci]

Kroger's should have given you the dog food free for keeping their customers amused while they were waiting in line

It's a joke - this did not happen to Bob. I read this one last week.

[S Clark]

It's a joke - this did not happen to Bob. I read this one last week.

Oh, I don't know... I could see Bob peeing on a fire hydrant.

[srb]

It's a joke - this did not happen to Bob. I read this one last week.

It's a popular diet.  It also happened to Bigfish at Walmart in 2009 and to mightym at Costco in 2011.